THE MORNING ACCORDING TO US

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Everything you see here is real.

The Idaho Vandals this week have decided that once again, their cheerleaders aren't showing enough class by wearing uniforms that look a little bit too much like the naughtier versions in the NFL. The girls must lengthen the skirts because of complaints from fans. Some 3,000 miles away, Chicago's Mayor Daley wants the neighborhood surrounding Wrigley Field to comply with stadium booze rules and not saturate the fan base with liquor after the 7th inning. Daley is a Sox fan. Not sayin', just sayin'.

The short skirts in Idaho, however, may have been a good distraction orchestrated by the school. When the team was losing 70-0 to Arizona or 42-17 to mighty Utah State, a thigh serves as a good look-away dalliance for fans and players alike. Yet, this is a growing program used to losing, and the mini-skirts were also there when the Vandals beat Idaho State 42-27! And the booze in Chicago has served for a century as hope juice during an epic run of futility. This year, there are often more celebratory cheers in Wrigleyville. The team looks better than ever!

Which brings us (again) to Wall Street. While the Vandals and Cubs try to grow their product and have a little fun, these morons take foolish risks, beg for bailouts and still pay themselves handily. Our suggestion: Split the $700 billion between Wrigleyville and the Vandals, and make skimpy skirts and mid-day drunkeness required on Wall Street. Turn it into a dive-infested red light district! That way, pro-active folks get the dough, and the the government-looting folks on Wall Street bask in the same "dignity" with which they've been operating their companies for years. Everybody wins!

Elsewhere...

At least 34 skydivers from 14 countries will jump from a plane overlooking Mount Everest next week. The jump is being billed as the biggest adventure since Sir Edmund Hillary's climb.

In Britain, they're going to let a girl who should barely drive fly a plane. What could go wrong?

Pro football players are going to use their brains for something useful. Science. "Just leave it in the jar and close the lid. Thanks!"

Hefner's world, falling apart due to a Philadelphia Eagle?! We fear for our world.

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