THE WORLD'S GAME (ACCORDING TO US)

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Money can't buy hapiness, but it can buy this mustache.

In these troubled economic times, it's important to diversify your portfolio. Especially your pro sports portfolio. Perhaps you're too concerned with that NBA team you own, or maybe you're pouring everything into the NHL (Risky!). To cover your assets, you might want to get a piece of an arena football team and perhaps a little bit of pro lacrosse, and, of course, you'll want some English Premier League stock. We're bullish on the Premiership.

At least, that might be the advice of Stan Kroenke's accountant.

Kroenke, a real estate mogul and husband of a Walmart heiress, has a major stake in an arena football team (the Crush), an NFL team (the Rams) and owns—or runs companies that own—the Denver Nuggets, the Colorado Avalanche, the Colorado Rapids and lacrosse giants the Colorado Mammoth. Recently, he's been building up his share of North London's legendary soccer club, Arsenal. Last week, Kroenke even joined Arsenal's board of directors, a move seen by some as a precursor to taking over the team.

Kroenke is the fourth American to burst onto the Premier League scene—a yankee invasion that has forced some Brits to weep into their flat, warm beers. But Kroenke's Arsenal assault is also part of another trend—the growth of the multi-sport mogul for whom international soccer is just another jewel in the athletic crown. Malcolm Glazer, the path-blazing Manchester United owner, also controls the Tampa Bay Bucs. Randy Lerner, Aston Villa chief, owns the Cleveland Browns. George Gillett, co-owner of Liverpool, has a controlling stake in the Montreal Canadiens and a NASCAR team. His Liverpool partner Tom Hicks has the Texas Rangers, the Dallas Stars and a rodeo.

Once upon a time (even just a few months ago), an owner with such wide and thinly spread athletic passion (and capital) seemed like a negative thing from a fan's perspective. When Glazer took over United, he had to argue over and over that his sons were fans; that he was interested in the sport and the club's storied tradition; that he wasn't going to force his American soccer-blind, economics-first policies onto the Red Devils.

Kroenke doesn't even bother. He's just a businessman. But compared with Russian oligarch Alisher Usmanov, Arsenal's leading shareholder, Kroenke seems like a friendly, stable long-term investor (His appointment was widely seen as a rebuff to Usmanov). Kroenke's wide-ranging non-soccer "interests" are even presented as assets. "He brings with him a wealth of experience through his direct involvement in sports clubs in the U.S.," said Arsenal Chairman Peter Hill-Wood. "We expect to benefit from his commercial insights and knowledge."

But just because you own a lot of sports teams doesn't mean you're good at owning a lot of sports teams. So let's look at Kroenke's record: He's made the typical sports-magnate move, buying the media company that shows his team's games, as well as the stadium where some of them play (the Pepsi Center). So he's got that going for him. He's also built a soccer-only stadium for the Rapids and banked on player development—both long-term investments that may actually be good for the team. And he pulled the Nuggets out of dire straits, financially and otherwise.

But on the field, his teams haven't exactly dazzled. The Nuggets may have progressed from perennial losers to perennial playoff losers, but the Avalanche fell from lofty heights. Kroenke inherited an outstanding team, which won the Stanley Cup in his first year. They haven't made the Cup Finals since. The Rapids meanwhile have remained mediocre at best.

Lastly, though we're not sure he is entirely to blame, Kronke's teams have funny names. While we love saying "Kroenke" and "Nuggets" (Try using it as an exclamation, "Oh, Nuggets!"), the Rapids, the Avalanche, the Mammoth and the Crush sound more like Gatorade flavors than sports teams.

Look out, Gunners. Next thing you know, you'll be the London Lemon-Lime.

EXTRA TIME

• We bet Jacques Cousteau was an awesome foosball player.
• Paraguayans decide to cast the first stone, and the second and third, at the referee.
• Yankee Stadium: the house that Pele built.
• Nigeria is the new Dubai, at least in Newcastle.
• If you're good, the Serie A will let you join their club.
• Maradona might get a real job in Milan.

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