DEAR FLEM

FLEM: Dr. Mike, in fact, there is something I can do. How about this: it's been 12 years since the Cowboys won a playoff game, and did you know that no team has ever won a Super Bowl after a 12-year drought in the playoffs? With that little exclusive tidbit, the help of the Redskins and a dash of T.O.'s erratic behavior, that should be enough to ease your mind for the time being.

MIKE: Whew! Thanks for the encouraging comments. I feel better already!

FLEM: So what's it like to be a Steelers fan in Texas? Do you have to hide your black and gold? Do you watch games in secret with other Steelers fans? Have there been moments, and be honest, when you were with your boss and other coworkers or friends and you just pretended to be a Cowboys fan, too? Like, 'hooray for Michael Irvin, I really love him!' For a Steelers fan living in Texas, has Larry Brown become your Bill Buckner?

MIKE: It's not too bad being a Steelers fan here in Texas because it seems like Steelers fans are everywhere. I took the family to the Steelers-Cowboy game during Big Ben's rookie season and I swear 50% of the crowd was wearing the Black and Gold.

FLEM: Yes, um, we try to refrain from gratuitous capitalization here in The One and Only Flem File.

MIKE: Well, without endorsing anything, I will say that it is much easier and less frustrating now than it used to be thanks to NFL Sunday Ticket (and no I don't work for any satellite company).

FLEM: Yes, again, we have a pretty strict policy against endorsing products, and if you violate that again I will have to walk over to my Dell Dimension E520 computer in my new incredibly light, comfortable but supportive Asics GEL Duomax GT 2130 running shoes and delete your next email.

MIKE: I never hide my allegiance to the Steelers. In fact, I sing the virtues of being a Steeler fan in enemy territory. My best friend (a die hard Cowboy fan) doesn't talk to me much anymore because I convinced his son that being a Steeler fan was nirvana. I really can't watch the games with anyone except my family. My daughter, two sons and I are fairly passionate, and that's about all the drama I can handle.

When Troy Polamalu intercepted Peyton Manning three years ago during the playoffs, my 17-year-old daughter, thinking we had just iced the game, jumped up in a fit of excitement and was knocked silly by the ceiling fan. When the play was inexplicably overturned, she nearly passed out. I was thinking she might seriously be injured, but it was just a swoon of passion.

FLEM: Wow, your daughter has some mad ups. My vertical, by the way, is in the George Costanza range. And yet, I talk more junk than anyone when we hoop in my neighbor's driveway. Hmmm.

MIKE: I've never pretended to be a Cowboys fan. It just isn't right. It would kinda be like me cheating on my wife … but worse.

And Larry Brown? Anybody reading this could have made those interceptions. Cowboy fans think they dominated that game. Makes me sick just thinking about it. When I finish this sentence, I am going to put my head in my hands and try to regain my composure.

FLEM: Sorry about that. Ya know, the Flem File started at that Super Bowl in Phoenix. That year I watched a fan dive into a steaming hot pile of horse manure for tickets to the game—perhaps the greatest metaphor I have found for the Super Bowl.

I think linebacker Levon Kirkland would have been the MVP if Neil O'Donnell could have completed one of those passes. (The second one was the receiver's fault.) But it was very telling in the cramped, hot, disgusting Sun Devil locker room after the game that not a single teammate stood up for O'Donnell.

Anyway, I've had some classic times with Steelers over the years. Kevin Greene showing me his (unloaded, I hope) automatic weapons and serving me chicken casserole at his house in Alabama. Playing golf with Dermontti Dawson in Kentucky. Man, if he doesn't make the Hall of Fame they should close that thing down. (Jerome Bettis, though, I don't think so.) A few summers ago, I traveled around Switzerland with Ben and his family. I made the Swiss version of CNN during the trip when I got locked in some giant national treasure clock tower in Bern.

MIKE: I'm envious of all the great times you have had with some great Steeler players. Next time you're going with one of my Steelers, and you need some company, drop me a note.

FLEM: Sorry about all the name-dropping-look-at-me-I'm-so-cool stuff, I was just trying to relate to Steeler Nation and came off like a spoiled egomaniac sportswriter.

MIKE: I totally agree about Dermontti, but would think Jerome gets in also. As a borderline inductee, I think his character puts him over the top.

FLEM: So anyway, last week, the reader I emailed with was complaining about his Lions and the worst GM in sports history, Matt Millen—and the next day Millen got FIRED! If there was one Steelers wish I could grant for you, what would it be? A healthy Willie? Perpetual ownership by the Rooneys? More games against the Browns? Anything … ?

MIKE: I have many Steeler wishes, but since I am only allowed one, I won't go back in time and wish to change SB XXX, or all those AFC Championship games we lost, or put a curse on New England for cheating us out of at least a couple of big wins.

My wish would dwell on the future, and it would be that a Steeler dynasty would be reborn under Mike Tomlin, and that we would be REALLY good instead of just above-average good. Nothing outrageous or unrealistic, just something like the next four out of six Super Bowls.

Hey it's been done before.

FLEM: Okay, a few more questions:

1. Why do the Steelers, perhaps more than any other football team, transcend their region and the sport and enjoy such a huge, nation-wide fan base?
2. I want you to write one full sentence in Pittsburgh-ese. You know, like, I want don-tawn to waych da stillers
3. You have to give me one thing you hate about the team, or one player you absolutely hate on the Steelers.

MIKE:

1. I've always heard the reason for the national appeal of the Steelers was the dispersion of all the fans when the steel industry hit some hard times. I don't know if that is true or not. Maybe it is the longevity of the coaches, or the integrity of the owners (which I hope doesn't change), or the striking beauty of the uniforms. What I do know is that I have spent exactly three days in Pittsburgh, have never met a steel worker, live in Texas and love the Steelers as much as anybody.


2. This is impossible for me for obvious reasons (please see above answer). How 'bout this: I sure does hope them there Stillers winnother Super Bowl some time soon. sptht! (That's me spittin' out some tubacca.)

FLEM: That was almost as bad as the Steelers pass protection in Philly, Doc.

MIKE: And as for number three, Flem, I don't think I can do this. It's like cutting off a part of my body, but since you asked, here goes. Deshea Townsend is tough to like when he drops so many interceptions. His hands are like stone. Can't we get a real shut-down corner that can catch?

There, I said it. Hope you're happy.

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