THE MORNING ACCORDING TO US

Thank you sir, I'd like another.

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"Sometimes love don't feel like it should, make it ... hurt so good."

A crack team of Second City investigators has uncovered the physical abuse of high school athletes by their "trusted" coaches. Chicago, Chicago that paddlin' town. No more, says the head of Chicago Public Schools. Turns out he'd been beaten via paddle, too, when he was a prep athlete. Corporal Punishment meet Sergeant Sanity. This time there'll be no "turning the other cheek", so to speak.

Present and future scholastic athletes can thank volleyballer Bruce Zayas who delivered an ace serve, blowing the coach's whistle on these barbaric acts. Spurred on by his courage, players from Chicago's powerhouse hoops programs are coming out of the hardwood to speak out about being disciplined with wooden paddles during practices. A coach's chalkboard shouldn't read: Practice + Pain + Humiliation = Wins. Young players' psyches need to have that formula erased. Unsettling is the image of a prep coach morphing into a sort of Neo-Neidermeyer.

While we're not advocates of corporal punishment, and we agree that paddling is an antediluvian, illegal practice, still we can't help but think how nice it would be to wield the wooden board on today's wicked Wall Street execs. "Dick Lund. Assume the position." "Thwack!" "John Thain. Assume the position." "Thwack!" "Ed Liddy and Kerry Killinger…"

Oh, and before you permanently pack away those paddles, Windy City coaches, you're allowed to use them on just one more of your local sports-like figures. Thank you, sir. May you have another, indeed.

Elsewhere…

Hooliganism in Croatia may be the worst in the world. And so the children of hooligan parents will have to learn, as a nationwide government initiative, The Fan's Guide to Etiquette.

Morten Andersen wants to keep kicking, oh, for one more day!

The only way you can one-up the most gruesome hockey injury of all time is to shoot yourself, in the face, on accident. Really.

Uh, look at that fish.

How to write a good sports article on toast. We may start toast-blogging.

Because sports and cheap food go together, here's some places you can still eat for a buck in New York. What? We just like these kinds of articles.

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