THE MORNING ACCORDING TO US

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"Canyoner-oooh!"

We were pretty bummed to learn last night that John Madden wouldn't be throwing the Cruiser into drive and heading off toward a game next week. He is, he announced, taking the week off, ending a 476-week run that even Brett Favre can't sniff. When Madden was in his prime, his Bay Area home was a perfect location, with the Niners and Raiders both highly competitive, saving him a couple trips a year. Which got us thinking.

Talk about a West Coast offense.

As in, we're slightly offended. Look at it this way: to make the trip he did last week, from Jacksonville to San Diego, Madden cruised 2,337 miles. We've consulted about a dozen forums and info sites, and believe he's getting about 7-8 miles per gallon in The Cruiser. In other words, Madden shelled out $994 in gas for that one trip. Madden took the week off so he wouldn't have to return to Tampa Bay this coming Sunday. Fair enough. Sunday night, he would have left San Diego. From there, he went home, then drove to Tampa and returned. Including this past trip, to cover two games and a return trip home, he's looking at 8,597 miles, which at $3.19/gallon (not a bad price), is $3,656 and 59 cents.

And that's before you baste the Turducken.

We're not tree-spiking environmentalists—we once threw away a can…in Michigan!—but Madden has a bigger carbon footprint than Nate Newton's cargo van. At least it's not a Canyonero. Either way, we hope he enjoys his break. Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth can take their solar-powered Lear Jets to the game and take one for the team. Those are solar-powered, right?

Elsewhere…

A court order shuts down the par-3 6th at Winged Foot for the rest of the season. A restaurateur near the hole complained about all the golf balls landing in his property. The Donald, a member, is not pleased: "This is devastating and it's inconceivable. The course, which is a great one, has been there for 100 years."

Fisherman in Cologne reel in a severed arm. Police say because it was hairy it was probably a man's. Either that or an East German gymnast's. (Rimshot! Communist bloc jokes never get old.)

Dropping the "l" from words in Australia, once the province of ex-jocks in the broadcast booth, has become part of the national dialect. Not everyone is happy about that.

A photo gallery with a 14-year old sumo wrestling champ!? Don't mind if we do!

Losing by 13 TD's tends to linger.

The European Union hands a check to a dude to build a ski jumping hill. Problem? It's on an island without snow or elevation. Bridge to Nowhere? They have 'em too! (We feel so much better.)

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