THE MORNING ACCORDING TO US

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"Wait, is this a real press conference, or one of those stupid Coors Light TV commercials?"

An Open Letter to Joe Paterno:

JoePa,

Big game coming up this weekend. Ohio State—with that young, threatening quarterback—and you with a clear path to the BCS title game. The way we see it, you have two ways to inspire your Lions. You can take the God-is-raining-down-plagues approach, which says that the game is bigger than the BCS: Because of Ohio State's dominance in the conference the past three years, nothing less than the fate of the Big 10 is on the line. Or you can liken the game to some Iranians eating a world-record sandwich before it was measured.

In coaching, metaphors are an all-purpose tool. The first approach is heavy on the blunt-force trauma, with a pep talk that goes something like this: "Ohio State is a bully! Has been a bully for three years! If we don't win, no one else will beat them, and the Big 10 will become a one-team conference, with the Buckeyes hocking spit wads at the rest of us! It'll be terrible for ratings! And, worse, it'll be like the ACC in the '90s, with Ohio State as Florida State and the rest of us as Maryland! Who wants to be Maryland!"

Now, coach, you may want to stay away from the ratings stuff, but that Maryland line is solid gold. Still, there is no levity there, no nuance, no allegory. Yours are student athletes, are they not, JoePa? So give them a little bit of subtlety. The change in technique should be appreciated. Maybe something like this:

"Some people in Tehran thought they had an impressive sandwich! On paper—and it was literally on paper—it sure looked impressive, longer than any sandwich in the world! They were sure of it! And they were hungry to prove it was the longest in the world! Most of all though, they were just hungry! So, before the contest was over, before the sandwich was measured, they started eating their sandwich, sure it would still measure up! They were sure that because their sandwich looked better on paper than the competition, it would win! Well, it didn't! They didn't wait until the sandwich was measured! And because they didn't, because they didn't take the sandwich measurers and other sandwich makers seriously, those hungry people in Tehran will never know if they can make the world's longest sandwich!"

Elsewhere…

A rugby player collapses and dies, and the teams play on. Sort of morbid, no?

The Jamaican ski team trains in, where else, Marina Green in San Francisco on a snowless day. We did like Cool Runnings.

You know about that Mom who decided to steal her daughter's identity because she wanted to go back to high school, then joined the cheerleading squad? Well—happy ending alert!—she pleads insanity.

A girl breaks the world record for having the most snails on her face. This sort of grossed us out. Give it a whirl.

Springsteen hooks a team up with jackets. Were they Boss jackets? No. Well, we hate jokes anyway.

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