THE ULTIMATE RACE

Getty Images

Staph's archenemy.

WHICH WILL END THE WORLD FIRST: GLOBAL WARMING OR PEAK OIL?

We thought it might be fun to run the two doomsday scenarios head to head, based on a mostly random reading of current events. What can we say? We like competition.

THIS WEEK: WINNING IS INFECTIOUS!

As the economic wheels fall off and society hurtles—wrecked and angry, like Kevin Harvick—off a steep, ocean-side cliff, few are pondering whether this old world will die from the fall or from drowning in the chilly spume below. Most people probably think, "The result is the same, so who cares?"

The answer? The Ultimate Race cares! We care whether Peak Oil or Global Warming should get credit for this so-called financial "crisis," which is actually an opportunity to hasten civilization's end!

And thorough analysis leads us to this week's winner: the Oilers!

How can that be, when the price of a barrel of crude hovered, like Derek Anderson's QB rating, is in the low 60s? How can that be, when gas prices are back below $3, and if you had a job, you could afford to tailgate again?

As we always advise, when in a conundrum, which is a Tim McCarver word for "tough spot," think of Tom Brady! Peak Oil's price run-up this summer is just like No. 12's season-opening knee injury—devastating on its face. But the worst isn't over. Just because oil prices start to come down doesn't mean anything is healing. Think of the rampant oil price deflation, which has made the oil companies even less likely to explore for new sources, as the staph infection that in the long run can do even more damage!

And think of the Ultimate Race as a kind of Kellen Winslow Jr., a soldier for truth willing to pay any price to let the world in on the not-so-well-kept secret that the Browns, and the rest of the world, are disease-riddled—and doomed!

Like that's a bad thing.

Going into the final week of the Ultimate Race's inaugural season, the Oilers are within striking distance, trailing the Heat 17-16-2!

WHAT IT MEANS TO YOU, THE FAN:
The great thing about gas dipping below $3 and being available once more in sprawling Atlanta is that you just might have enough cheese to check out the Chase for the Cup at the Pep Boys 500, where you're likely to see more legit fisticuffs than at a Kimbo Slice fight! We call that a two-fer!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE ULTIMATE RACE ...

Print Article . Email Article. Subscribe to The Magazine