Outtakes At 200
Sometimes it's important to take inventory of your achievements.
After eight years and roughly 80,000 words for The Magazine, no one knows this better than our own Dan Patrick. But Dan's a busy guy. So to celebrate his 200th Outtakes column, we decided to do it for him, with a highlight reel of 'Takes' greatest hits. And because it was high time to put Dan in the hot seat, we got Reggie Miller to grill his old pal DP-style. It's the least we could do for the man with the most popular page in The Mag, issue after issue after issue after issue …
DP takes on everyone and everything …
NO. 14 (11/16/1998)
DP: Favorite celebrity you've met.
TD: Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann.
DP: You obviously don't get out much. You've met Jordan.
TD: I WAS NEVER A BIG FAN OF MICHAEL JORDAN. There's nobody in the world I'm that impressed with. Except for you and Keith.
NO. 189 (08/01/2005)
DP: Last time you wore your World Series ring?
DL: Never. Have you seen it?! I mean, it's like wearing a piece of furniture around your finger.
NO. 150 (02/02/2004)
DP: So are we playing a round or what?
TW: I don't know. What's your handicap?
DP: I'm an eight.
TW: I'll give you four a side. I'M A SCRATCH.
DP: You are not a scratch.
TW: I am a scratch. I play every tournament as a scratch.
ON GOALIES …
NO. 17 (12/28/1998)
DP: Do you have sympathy for goalies?
EL: None at all. Anybody who puts on that equipment at such a young age makes that first mistake.
NO. 125 (02/17/2003)
DP: Why is it that goaltenders don't have roommates?
MT: I had a roommate my first couple of years. Brenden Morrow. I ran the show, of course. He'd do everything: check the thermostat, do the blinds, pull down my covers. When I got my own room, I was lost. Mr. Buff couldn't sleep. And I had BAD TEETH after a while.
NO. 65 (10/30/2000)
DP: Are you a Republican?
JS: I'm noncommittal. I love everyone. I love Democrats. I love Republicans.
I LOVE YOU, DAN, and that's the way it is.
NO. 156 (04/26/2004)
DP: Did PEYTON pick on you when you were growing up?
EM: Definitely! My oldest brother, Cooper, used to pick on him, so in turn, Peyton gave me beatings. Man, Peyton liked to make me cry.
NO. 13 (11/02/1998)
DP: When you run into guys, what do you hear?
JB: A lot of grunts. Sometimes I hear MOANS. Every now and then, I hear a cry for help.
>ON HUMILITY …
NO. 175 (01/17/2005)
DP: What's scarier, facing Ray Lewis or showing up late for a TOM COUGHLIN meeting?
TB: Late for a Coughlin meeting, because he'll berate you in front of everyone. And he doesn't discriminate because you're a certain status player.
NO. 93 (11/26/2001)
DP: Are you concerned that if QBs don't produce immediately, they're considered bums?
BF: Absolutely. Just the tag of being the first pick means you're expected to be the savior. I wasn't ready as the Falcons' third pick, and I really wasn't even ready when I got to Green Bay. I made some plays and luckily, I GOT AWAY WITH IT.
>ON RACE RELATIONS …
NO. 4 (05/18/1998)
DP: Should we embrace you as a spokesperson the way we embrace Michael Jordan or Grant Hill?
CB: America doesn't want any strong, opinionated black men … I SCARE WHITE AMERICA.
NO. 51 (04/17/2000)
DP: If you could be reincarnated, what are you coming back as?
DR: I ain't coming back. Man, I love being me. I think there's never been a better time to be a black man in the United States.
NO. 109 (07/08/2002)
DP: Strangest thought you had standing over a putt.
DD: Boy, this is all a WASTE OF TIME.
NO. 183 (05/09/2005)
DP: Give me the male tennis player you'd like to face.
MS: There are a few guys' asses I'd equally like to KICK, but first is Roddick.
NO. 50 (04/03/2000)
DW: Hey Dan, isn't Wayne Gretzky the best? When he goes to heaven, boy, there's going to be a whole section for him.
DP: Too bad we're not going to know about that!
DW: God'll pick me out of a crowd. He needs me … I've sweated enough in my life, I don't need to be going to hell.
NO. 100 (03/04/2002)
DP: Have you eaten out of the Stanley Cup?
MB: My kids had popcorn in the Cup. Next day, they ate cereal out of it. And my wife used it to make Jell-O shots.
DP: And then you rushed them to the hospital with diphtheria.
NO. 35 (09/06/1999)
DP: Is there somebody who has no business TALKING TRASH?
GP: Jamie Feick. He said something to me. I said, "Man, you won't even be in the league next year." And then Scott Burrell came over and said I hurt Feick's feelings.
>ON CLUBHOUSE HUMOR …
NO. 101 (03/18/2002)
DP: Your favorite Olympic moment from Sydney?
DM: Tom Lasorda peed on himself during a pep talk. No lie! I mean, he's trying to motivate us, telling us to shock the world. Sure seemed to work.
NO. 54 (05/29/2000)
DP: Your best clubhouse prank.
CS: DEFLOWERING Rob Dibble's glove.
NO. 38 (10/18/1999)
DP: Can we do away with AstroTurf?
WS: If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can grow grass inside.
NO. 22 (03/08/1999)
DP: I didn't get you a wedding present. Did Jordan or Pippen?
DR: Nobody gave me anything. I'm the RODNEY DANGERFIELD of the NBA.
>ON PAIN …
NO. 59 (08/07/2000)
DP: Give me what you've broken.
TH: Officially, only my elbow. Unofficially, I cracked a rib. Sprained both my ankles many times, tore cartilage in my knee. I've gotten knocked out about eight times and broke my front teeth three times. And I've BRUISED MY EGO many times.
NO. 76 (04/02/2001)
DP: What hurts more, a loss by the Pistons or a loss by Carolina?
JS: Carolina losses burn deep. But really, all losses are equally bad. Except to Duke. I really hate losses to Duke.
NO. 141 (09/29/2003)
DP: What hurts on Monday morning?
JT: If we win, EVERYTHING HURTS BUT MY FEELINGS.
NO. 91 (10/29/2001)
DP: What's your idea of hell?
EG: Very dark and hot and slimy. And no J.LO.
> ON THE BIG UNIT …
NO. 55 (06/12/2000)
DP: Has anybody challenged you on the mound?
RJ: I've only ever hit two people in the head … The last time was J.T. Snow in spring training , when I was coming off surgery. He was lying facedown in the dirt in a PUDDLE OF BLOOD, and I realized I have the ability to seriously hurt somebody. It's scary.
NO. 129 (04/14/2003)
DP: What are you afraid of?
TH: Show me a baby snake and I'll faint. And gunshots. And Randy Johnson.
NO. 133 (06/09/2003)
DP: Who's the Mick Jagger of baseball?
EC: Old guy who's still got it? Randy. I swear, I'll never face him. I ducked The Unit this spring. I'm scared to death. I almost PEED MY PANTS when he was going to come to our league.
NO. 43 (12/27/1999)
DP: Do you ever feel sorry for quarterbacks?
MS: No way! They only get hit in the game. I GET HIT in camp every day. I get hit in practice every day.
> ON SHAQ …
NO. 102 (04/01/2002)
DP: It's a guard's league, even though the most dominating player is Shaq.
BD: You'd have to recruit somebody out of the state pen to guard Shaq, and even then he'd need a shank.
NO. 26 (05/03/1999)
DP: You're Superman. What's your Kryptonite?
SO: Milk. I'm LACTOSE INTOLERANT.
DP: At least you didn't say free throws.
SO: No I didn't.
NO. 146 (12/08/2003)
DP: Best athlete from your high school [Serra High in San Mateo, Calif.]?
TB: Barry Bonds. But Lynn Swann is up there too.
DP: Where would you be on that list?
TB: I'M NOT AN ATHLETE. I'M A QUARTERBACK.
NO. 115 (09/30/2002)
DP: Would you cheat to win?
KT: If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying.
NO. 29 (06/14/1999)
DP: Mark Grace says pitchers aren't athletes.
DC: Try getting drunk four nights a week and going out to pitch nine innings. That's an athlete to me.
NO. 58 (07/24/2000)
DP: Why don't you guys wear those short shorts like John Stockton?
CC: Why don't we just put on tights and TATTOO the numbers on our backs, and call it a day?
NO. 33 (08/09/1999)
DP: Does your wife mind that chicks dig the long ball?
TG: She's not worried because I have only one career home run. I wouldn't know if they dig it or not.
NO. 49 (03/20/2000)
DP: Three favorite musical groups.
JK: Boyz II Men. KENNY G. Does it have to be a group or can …
DP: Well, you already went with Kenny G, so I lost my lunch.
JK: I like jazz in the morning. I'm a mellow cat. I DON'T RAISE THE ROOF IN MY HOUSE.
NO. 11 (09/21/1998)
AR: I'm having a hard time finding a date. I DON'T TRUST ANY WOMEN I MEET.
DP: So you would have an easier time if you worked at a record store?
AR: And if I was the ugliest son of a bitch in the world.
NO. 94 (12/10/2001)
DP: You majored in psychology at Michigan. Who's the easiest to psych out?
CW: GARY PAYTON. It won't affect his points but he won't enjoy the game as much.
NO. 69 (12/25/2000)
DP: When was the last time you got yelled at?
KB: Maybe eighth grade.
DP: You never get in trouble?
KB: I never get caught.
ON LOVE …
NO. 84 (07/23/2001)
DP: So your favorite doll is Bozo the Clown.
MT: Oh my god, how embarrassing! And I can't believe I'm going to tell all of America this—I practiced kissing on the doll. In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, I've kissed a few BOZOS in my time.
NO. 82 (06/25/2001)
MM: Dan, can you hold on a second. My girlfriend is calling.
DP: You are G-O-N-E.
MM: She's a good girl. It's taken me 13 years to find somebody.
MM: Yeah, Dan.
DP: I LOVE YOU.
MM: Me too.
NO. 149 (01/19/2004)
DP: What's your greatest athletic achievement?
WF: I ran the Boston Marathon in 3:56. You can't take that away from me, even though you'd like to, Dan Patrick.
DP: Didn't Oprah run a marathon in less than four hours?
WF: You son of a bitch.
… AND SELF-WORSHIP
NO. 36 (09/20/1999)
DP: Best thing about working on SportsCenter?
DP: I don't have to wear pants.
DP: Good answer. Best hair in sports broadcasting?
DP: Besides mine? Nick Charles of CNN. It's this majestic mound of flowing black curls. I'm envious.
Reggie Miller Turns The Tables On Dan Patrick
Just Some Dork On Tv
RM: Do your kids think you're a celebrity?
DP: They know there are some perks with this goofy job, but c'mon, I'm no SpongeBob SquarePants. Just some dork on TV.
RM: I know you can answer this because you've got a foot in both eras: Pam Anderson or Marilyn Monroe?
DP: Marilyn Monroe. She's got far more interesting stories. Plus, I've already had Pamela, so …
RM: Oh, Dan.
RM: Pick one: throwing a touchdown pass in the Super Bowl or hitting the game-winning three in Game 7 of the NBA Finals?
DP: Well, the jump shot wouldn't be a stretch for me.
RM: Why is it that you think you can take everyone in a game of one-on-one?
DP: I never back down. I challenged Jordan and I'd do it again.
RM: Favorite vacation spot?
DP: I don't want to say because of all my stalkers.
RM: You don't have anybody following you! Who cares where Dan Patrick is sunbathing nude?
DP: Ah, so you have been following me!
RM: Who's bigger: Chris Berman or Dan Patrick?
DP: Berman. He's probably 6'5", 250, and I'm six-foot-
RM: No, no, no. Bigger in status, not waist size!
DP: Berman's the most popular sportscaster in the business.
RM: Who's your favorite Desperate Housewife?
DP: Felicity Huffman, because she was in Sports Night, the show about me and Olbermann. Plus, she's a good kisser.
RM: Give me your top three bands of all time.
DP: Led Zeppelin, The Stones, The Who.
RM: You have to have U2 in there. I hear you're a groupie.
DP: I prefer "admirer." Oh and, of course … Ashlee Simpson.
RM: Who's your favorite guest on your radio show? Ahem …
DP: Michael Irvin. He's got so much baggage, plus the willingness to share it. You may have baggage, Miller, but you won't cough it up. Don't worry. You may not be starting, but you're on the team. Really, buddy, wish you worked here. We'd have fun.
RM: Oh, Daniel, now you're making me tear up.
DP: Well, well, well.
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