Fantasy World: Designer Imposters

These players are cheaper versions of pricey stars.

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Fantasy Rule #37: Always take a player with a perfect old time gangster name.

Last weekend, NFL fans were treated to one of the more rare events in sports. No, not the 49ers win, as much fun as that was. I'm talking about the Bengals and Eagles playing for a full 75 minutes and ending in an official 13-13 tie. There were no losers, just like anyone who's played "spin the bottle", and no winners, just like anyone who was associated with Zwan.

The odd part about the tie is that you'd never expect it from these two teams. The Eagles are considered by most (or at least were considered) to be playoff contenders, while the Bengals were officially eliminated by losing their first eight games. And yet this is what happens every year in the Fantasy World: some player comes out of nowhere and finishes with (or, in some cases, surpasses) the point output of a bona fide superstar.

Let's look at a few cases that have happened so far this year, if only to make us all look foolish.

(Note: As usual, all stats are based off of ESPN's standard scoring system.)

Quarterbacks

Drew Brees — Points: 173; Average Draft Spot: 27th
Kurt Warner — Points: 178; Average Draft Spot: 132nd

Why We Should Have Known Better: You can't say you haven't got your money's worth with Brees, but why was Warner so far off everyone's radar? Here's a guy who (a) has two of the league's greatest receivers at his disposal, (b) doesn't have to worry about a barely-existent running game taking over games, and (c) has a defense that historically keeps the competition in games. Plus, most importantly, dude's got Jesus Power! (No, really.) This oversight was inexcusable.

Peyton Manning — Points: 156; Average Draft Spot: 11th
Aaron Rodgers — Points: 159; Average Draft Spot 125th

Why We Should Have Known Better: Because the Packers brain trust hasn't made any mistakes regarding their quarterbacks in over 16 years! That's a track record you can rely on. And hey, even Don Majkowski was good.

Tony Romo — Points: 112; Average Draft Spot: 17th
Joe Flacco — Points: 109; Average Draft Spot: Undrafted

Why We Should Have Known Better: Um, because the Ravens have a rich history of developing a potent offensive attack, one so great that you just knew whoever they installed behind center was going to put up big offensive numbers? Obviously.

Running Backs

Marion Barber III — Points: 146; Average Draft Position: 11th
Thomas Jones — Points: 146; Average Draft Position: 45th

Why We Should Have Known Better: This one's actually easy. Last year, Jones' poor point total was mostly due to the fact he only got into the end zone twice, even though his yardage numbers were normal. Thing is, unless you're a goal line back or a pure touchdown vulture like a LenDale White—and Jones is not—you really have no way to predict a player's touchdowns because they're based on so many variable factors. You kind of had to guess he'd bounce back in that department, and so far he has, to the tune of 11 TDs thus far. When doing your scouting in the future, look at touchdowns as the BABIP of the fantasy football world; look for oddly low totals to bounce back up the following year.

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We had to know the Bears would try anything to make Cedric Benson a forgotten memory.

Brandon Jacobs — Points: 146; Average Draft Position: 29th
Matt Forte — Points: 143; Average Draft Position: 68th

Why We Should Have Known Better: Because the Bears wanted everyone to forget the train wreck that was Cedric Benson (and he may have physically wrecked a train at one point, we're looking into it) so much they would have given any running back 25 touches a game, just to prove a point.

LaDainian Tomlinson — Points: 124; Average Draft Position: 1st
Chris Johnson — Points: 125; Average Draft Position: 127th

Why We Should Have Known Better: In high school, Johnson was such a track superstar that he put up the 2nd fastest time in the country after Walter Dix, who went on to win a bronze medal in 2008. So, duh.

Wide Receiver

Steve Smith — Points: 87; Average Draft Position: 34th
Eddie Royal — Points: 86; Average Draft Position: Undrafted

Why We Should Have Known Better: This excuse is kind of convoluted, so pay attention. Last year, you could tell Mike Shanahan finally found a quarterback he was comfortable with in Jay Cutler. The only problem was Cutler had one true target at his disposal in Brandon Marshall, a premiere wideout who would no doubt be double-covered most of the year. So when Shanahan drafted Royal in the 2nd round, we should have expected him to be heavily involved in the offense, if only because he has one of the better old-time sounding gangster names in pro sports.

Larry Fitzgerald — Points: 126; Average Draft Position: 25th
Roddy White — Points: 122; Average Draft Position: 67th

Why We Should Have Known Better: Because you knew the Falcons were due for the cosmos to give them a productive season following that whole Bobby Petrino/Michael Vick debacle they've had to deal with for the past eternity.

Reggie Wayne — Points: 106; Average Draft Position: 18th
Santana Moss — Points: 104; Average Draft Position: 79th

Why We Should Have Known Better: This ultimately has less to do with Moss' skill—we knew what we could do when given the opportunity—and more with what we expected from quarterback Jason Campbell. While Campbell's totals last year were kind of a wash—he missed the last six games to injury—we should have given him the benefit of the doubt based on his sweet nickname, "Lips".

Tight End

Jason Witten — Points: 66; Average Draft Position: 44th
Owen Daniels — Points: 64; Average Draft Position: 133rd

Why We Should Have Known Better: Kind of the same deal as the previously-mentioned Eddie Royal. Besides super-stud Andre Johnson, who else were the Texans going to throw to? (Well, besides Kevin Walter, apparently.) More importantly, Daniels is from Berwyn! Ladies and gentlemen, my first Svengoolie reference.

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Player On My Team of the Week: Kevin Smith, who followed up his 123-yard week by putting up another 135 yards on Sunday. I'm not sure how long he can keep this up—it's the Lions, after all—which is why he's getting his due now while he still can.

How to Heckle One of My Players this Week: "Hey Chicago Bears defense-slash-special teams, remember when you didn't let running backs put up 145 rushing against you? Or when a certain return man of yours was worth the 100-speed rating on Madden? Papa Bear would not be proud."

The "Prepare Yourself For A Massive Letdown" Watch Of The Week: Paul McCartney announced last week he's finally going to release the long held-under-wraps Beatles track "Carnival of Light", a 14-minute song produced during their "experimental" phase. Read that last part again, slowly, and time how long it takes for your excitement to dwindle down to nothing.

Sell Low: Feeling passionate about anything, after the Collins English Dictionary announced it's including the word "meh" in next year's edition.

Buy High: The world becoming a greater place for everyone everywhere, after producer Ron Howard confirmed officially that there will indeed be an Arrested Development movie.

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