Piracy By Example

What Pittsburgh's team can learn from Somali pirates.

Getty Images

This man would still be holding Aramis Ramirez captive.

If you're up to date on your world affairs, you've no doubt heard about the Somali pirates who've been hijacking ships like crazy—80 attacks in the past year!—and holding the contents (or in PirateSpeak, "booty") for ransom. The pirates have been drastically expanding their operation as of late, with 14 attacks in the past 10 days, and you can see why: So far this year, they've collected an estimated $100 million in ransom! They've been so successful, in fact, that once-decrepit villages have been turned into "boomtowns" of luxury, all due to the spoils of piratedom.

Now, while we have no truck with the violence and condem the Somali's general unlawfullness, it got us thinking: If these down-on-their-luck pirates could become a quasi-success story, then why couldn't another dismal nautical-themed organization, the Pirates of Pittsburgh? If they want to turn the past 16 years of futility around, they'd be smart to take away the following lessons from their like-named brethren off the Somali coast.

Know Your Waters
The Somali pirates do their hijacking on ships that sail through the Gulf of Aden, a stretch of ocean where 20,000 merchant vessels pass through each year. By choosing such a strategic location, the pirates are improving their odds for getting that booty they so desperately need. In the same way, the Pittsburgh variety of buccaneer must know their own surroundings at PNC Park. The park is one of the most pitcher-friendly places in the league, averaging 0.869 home runs per game played there, good for 23rd in the league.
The Lesson: They should devote a majority of their salary towards hitters, leaving them to build their starting rotation from the scrap heap—someone like Paul Byrd would fit nicely—and let the magic of the park effect do its work. Any extra money should be spent on the bullpen since there's going to be plenty of 1-0, 2-1 games. At the very least, they should hire a member of the Bossard family to water down the infield whenever they play a speedy team like the Astros. A true pirate wouldn't think twice about doing that.

Guerrilla Warfare
Even though the Somali pirates just have a few motorboats at their disposal, they were able to capture a supertanker carrying over $100 million worth of crude oil! This, obviously, is a classic David vs. Goliath story. Except, you know, if David was a machine gun-toting criminal. But the reason the pirates have been able to tackle such gigantic ships is because they have ingenuity, something their Pittsburgh kin lack.
The Lesson: To get some extra wins, try a little trickeration. Sure, maneuvers like the ol' hit-and-run and double-steal are all well and good, but how about a few hidden ball tricks? Or the throw over the 2nd baseman to the center fielder to throw out the runner at 3rd? Or general witchcraft? Nothing should be off-limits, unspoken baseball rulebook be damned!

Image is Everything
Pirates wear eye patches.
The Lesson: Why not? It'll make the team all that much better when they finally take them off. Kind of like a batting donut for depth perception. Barring that, it could be used as a general excuse for why the team's doing so poorly. Those are always necessary.

Getty Images

Freddy is un-needed booty.

Booty Trading
When the Somali pirates steal a tanker, they're not doing it for the actual contents within. They're doing so because people are willing to pay big bucks for it. In the same way, the "stars" of the Pirates are essentially worthless to them—by the time they'll be in contention, they'll have moved on—but they mean a whole lot to teams that have a shot this year.
The Lesson: The team already took a few steps in this direction last year by jettisoning Jason Bay and Xavier Nady, but now it's time to finish things off. Find the largest bidder and say goodbye to Nate McLouth, Paul Maholm, Andrew McCutchen, Freddy Sanchez and, well, there's not a whole lot else; this team isn't good, remember? By this time next year, there shouldn't be a recognizable name on the roster.

Drink Lots of Rum
This is more a suggestion for the fans.

High Risk, High Reward
The Somalis wouldn't take the enormous risk of hijacking a ship if the reward wasn't amazing, and this lack of risk/reward evaluation is one of the problems with the Pirates. Instead of going after high-profile draft prospects, they've been "building their team" with a bunch of mediocre, yet extremely signable, youngsters. This is why they were Baseball America's 26th ranked farm system last season, despite oodles of high draft picks over the years.
The Lesson: The team seems to have gotten on the right track with last year's selection of franchise-quality slugger Pedro Alvarez, but now they better make sure the trend continues. Essentially, it's about knowing who to model yourself after. The Somali pirates presumably modeled themselves off of Blackbeard and Captain Jack Sparrow, while the Pirates should look at the Tampa Bay Rays for their archetype.

A Pirate's Life For Me
If all else fails, then it's time to get creative. The pirate way. One option: send the Pirate Parrot on a covert operation to break into new Yankee stadium and steal the Babe Ruth monument. Maybe they can force Hank Steinbrenner into ponying up some cash—or Joba Chamberlain—to retrieve it. Or maybe the Pirates should finally call in that favor from Jim Hendry for essentially giving him Aramis Ramirez for free. And those compromising photos of Theo Epstein that were "found" in the Pirates' team camera with the long-distance zoom lens? Might also see if he's interested in owning the only copies of them. All it'll cost him is Jon Lester.

There are no bounds in the life of a bandit. After all, as every pirate knows, "take what ye can and give nothing back!" Arrrgh.

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