Equating College Football Teams to Characters on The Office

Michael Scott is the Buckeyes? Read on.

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"Rich Rod? Really?"

Try as you might, it's hard to escape The Office. You can argue that the Ricky Gervais version is superior, sure; you can even argue 30 Rock is the better NBC product. Here's one thing you can't argue: the peacock gave the enormously-coveted post-Super Bowl timeslot to Steve Carrell and company this year. (Can you imagine the lead-in numbers if the SB is Giants vs. Colts?) We realize the BCS is on FOX (ESPN in a few years, though!), but when thinking about it over the long Thanksgiving weekend, the comparisons between some Office characters and top college gridiron programs was too much to ignore. Let's delve deeper.

Ryan = Notre Dame
The Quote: "I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top. But look what it cost."

A new guy walks into the hallowed halls of the Scranton Business Park. He's met with some apprehension and a little anxious hazing. Some co-workers are excited, others are apathetic, but hardly any seem to be in awe. But then, out of nowhere, he becomes the youngest VP in company history. Hundreds of miles away in South Bend, a slightly larger rookie head coach waltzes in from New England. Fast forward to January 2007 and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish are back in a BCS bowl with all the credit aimed at Charlie Weis. Then: catastrophe. The ex-temp is hit with fraud charges and gets tossed in the slammer while Notre Dame struggles through perhaps their worst season ever. Now both are limping back and let's be honest: Ryan isn't the only one keeping a list of those who wronged him when he was down.

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"Eh, I prefer reruns of Growing Pains."

Andy = Vandy
The Quote: "Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy tale wedding."

Cornell got some serious consideration here. Especially after Dwight dressed in an Ivy League sweatshirt and caused Andy to mutter that he "bleeds Big Red." Priceless. But still, Vandy rhymes with Andy, and with the season they've had they deserve a prestigious mention in a tongue-in-cheek Office article. The Commodores have been dreaming about a bowl game for a quarter of a century, and in 2008 the fairy tale finally came true. With Andrew Bernard "happily" engaged to his sweetheart Angela, it's time for the little preppy underdog to have his day.

Angela = TCU
The Quote: "Plan a party, Angela. Oh! And the entire world will see it. Oh! And here's $65.00 for your budget."

Defensive, religious,and loves posters of babies dressed as adults. OK, so only two of those sound like Texas Christian University. The feisty blond is far and away the disciplinarian of Scranton. She's taken some lumps this year including an apathetic engagement to Andy, but then again so have the Horned Frogs. After catching the nation's attention with a 32-7 woodshedding of unbeaten BYU, TCU folded late against Utah ruining a chance at a BCS bowl. Still, you have to admire what Gary Patterson has been able to do in Fort Worth, especially considering he competes for recruits with Texas, Oklahoma, and half of the other Big 12 schools. Doing something with nothing is not a foreign concept to Angela. Time after time the pint-sized party planning committee chairperson comes through with a celebration that keeps the Dunder-Mifflin spirits from reaching an all-time low. And even though both Angela and Texas Christian have small budgets, not too many people complain about generic cheesecake or a generic bowl game.

Kevin = Washington State
The Quote: "After Stacey left, it was…it did not go well for a while…and it was hard to see…It's just nice to win one."

After Mike Price left Pullman to hang out in Tuscaloosa night clubs, nothing has gone well for the Cougars. But after that Apple Cup win over Washington, it definitely feels nice to win at least one Pac 10 game. They're both so docile and defenseless that most can't help but pull for them. (Read this, though.)

Toby = Duke
The Quote: "Oh, I went zip lining my third day in Costa Rica. I guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And, I've been in the hospital five weeks now. I still haven't seen the beach."

How many times has North Carolina been able to hang their hats on a beatdown of Duke, even if it is only their fourth win of the year? Seems like every season, but it's still only half as many times as Michael has attempted to scapegoat Toby when he has obliviously floundered through another simple assignment. He's the resident punching bag. Sure, David Cutcliffe is a Blue Devil, and the win total has spiked for the first time since the head coach here donned a visor back in the 80s, but, come on, the legacy of lethargy can't be in the past just yet. Even a perceived panacea like a move to Costa Rica couldn't save Mr. Flenderson. Before he ever hit the beaches, a zip-line accident forced him into a hospital bed for months; just when Duke was upgraded from the ICU to the extended stay wing, rival UNC is having the kind of season that should give Michael another reason to bring up Toby's divorce. Or at least frame him for keeping caprese salad in his desk.

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"I could use some Outback coupons right now."

Meredith = Texas Tech
The Quote: "I'm excited about doing the ad but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around."

This might be a bit of a stretch, but that tiny play sheet that Mike Leach carries on the sidelines looks an awful lot like those Outback coupons that Meredith "earned" with her less-than-holy favors. If anyone in the college football world comes close to keeping up with the frenetic pace of Meredith's life, it's Texas Tech. That loss to Oklahoma? A clear allusion to Michael cracking Meredith's pelvis with his car. The Red Raiders couldn't handle the spotlight with so many fans looking on. The only difference? Leach doesn't get free sirloin steak coupons for doing Bob Stoops a solid favor.

Stanley = Wake Forest
The Quote: "I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is…I have lost a little of my speed, a little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. [holds up picture] Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted."

Wake Forest has definitely lost some weight this season: no longer can Wake sneak up on the ACC and fight the traditional powers, eating and beating whoever they wanted. The 2008 version of Jim Grobe's team more closely resembled the sassy salesman who keeps the sarcasm levels from dipping in the office. It's hard to say if Stanley is more eager to end his Friday and head home, or if Wake is more anxiously awaiting the end of an underachieving season. Just don't count out either of these lugs. Both are at their best when success is least expected.

Jim & Pam = LSU & USC
The Quote: "I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton Jim and I would have days like this. We're just…a little out of sync. You know, that's all."

LSU and USC have been more than a little out of sync even though both programs have dominated the BCS era. While Dunder-Mifflin's Romeo and Juliet managed to find each other at last, college football nuts everywhere are still perched on the edges of their La-Z-Boys anticipating a dream matchup between Pete Carroll and Les Miles. The talent is certainly there. Pam's looks are tops among the cubicles, and Jim has been anointed "coolest guy in the office" more than once by Michael. But the fact that Southern Cal and Louisiana State are loaded with skill hasn't put them completely in sync.

Dwight = Michigan
The Quote: "Michael always says 'K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid.' Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time."

Even a team with as many inter-conference shortcomings as Ohio State needs a whipping boy. Enter Dwight. No matter what the punishment awaiting the Buckeyes outside the friendly confines of the Big Ten, Michigan is always ready to play doormat to the scarlet and gray. CFO David Wallace tells Michael he can't host a Hefner-style bikini bash? No problem! Just humiliate the beet farmer. The best part: even when the Wolverines appear loaded (remember Chad Henne and Mike Hart?) and ready to steal the league crown, Dwight gets fired (remember when he tried to have Michael terminated?) and has to take a job at the local Office Depot. At least the Citrus Bowl is far from Scranton in sunny south Florida. In the end, Michigan is definitely the assistant to the regional manager of the Midwest.

Michael = Ohio State
The Quote: "What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went…I once went twenty-eight years without having sex. And then again for seven years."

Cue the peanut gallery: "Seems like about 28 years since Ohio State proved worthy on the national stage!" If there has been one team over the last few seasons that has managed to stay in a power position while proving how unworthy they are, it's Ohio State. No matter how many times Michael tries to shake things up or rejuvenate the office, in the end it's always the same ol' "World's Best Boss." Luckily for the Buckeyes, the office is about as competent as the Big Ten has been in recent years. As long as his rarely-loyal and often-bumbling employees perform like good yes-men and women the leader-by-default will continue his reign. Of course, the jury's still out on whether or not Terrelle Pryor can pump it out for a whole year. That's what she said. Hey-o!

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