The Power of the 'Stache

The NFL still readily features the stache. We take a closer look.

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Strong enough to catch plenty of soup, but perhaps a bit fluffy.

Unless he takes a Favre-like mulligan, this year will be the last on the sidelines for coach Mike Holmgren, at least with the Seahawks. While he may have taken a bit of a hit with the horrific season his team is having this year, there's one positive aspect of his coaching style that cannot be questioned: his undying commitment to his mustache. In fact, his is just one in the long history of Great NFL Coaching 'Staches. (Rumor has it, the first NFL-related mustache was worn by Canton Bulldogs head coach Cap Edwards back in 1923. Incidentally, Cap's mustache doubled as the team's offensive coordinator.)

So in honor of Holmgren, let's look at some of the other great mustaches in the NFL head coaching fraternity, past and present. Along for the ride to offer some commentary is an expert who has managed-and-maintained his own mustache for the past 37 years: my father.

Now then, in no particular order:

(A) Bill Cowher
As an integral part of his trademark scowl, the Cowher 'Stache is an American institution. It hugs the small isthmus between his nose and upper lip, nearing bursting at the seams, an apt symbol of a man whose own energy explodes out on a regular basis.
EXPERT OPINION: "Very neatly manicured, which is a positive thing. It has an Italian flair to it because you can see above the lip. This is the sign of a good coach."

(B) Romeo Crennel
Just as the man is seemingly on the hot seat every year, Crennel's mustache straddles the line between ordinary and extraordinary. An extra inch on each side and he'd fit right in with the villains in kung-fu movies by sporting a full-blown Fu Manchu. With this season already a lost cause, there's no reason Crennel shouldn't commit all the way.
EXPERT OPINION: "Although it's neatly manicured, it extends beyond the end of the lip on either side, which is sloppy. I'd assume the coach isn't too good."

(C) Dennis Green
One of the classic mustaches of the past decade, the Green 'Stache is seen here extending below the lips, obviously a mistake. We can only assume that after seeing this mishap, Green berated his razor for letting his soul patch off the hook!
EXPERT OPINION: "The mustache looks fake, like someone glued it on."

(D) Dave Wannstedt
Seen here in its natural state of "confused grimace", the Wannie 'Stache acts as a mirror to his famous frown dimple, which hangs just beneath his lower lip. This hypnotic combination of hair and facial creases creates a vortex that lures owners or athletic directors into continually hiring him, despite his obvious mediocrity.
EXPERT OPINION: "What is that thing on top of his lip? He needs to call the exterminators because it does not belong on a human. Are you sure it's not a photo of a bulldog?"

(E) Andy Reid
Probably the thickest 'stache of the list, Reid's hair growth acts not only as a way to keep his upper lip warm in the bitter Philadelphia cold, but also can sponge up enough of Donovan McNabb's Chunky Soup to keep Reid fed for weeks.
EXPERT OPINION: "Slightly tapered beyond the lip, it appears as if it hasn't been modified in color. But it doesn't show strength. Overall, it's too fluffy."

Even Brad is full stache now.

(F) Mike Holmgren
Our man of the hour, Holmgren is as respected as he is because of this facial modification. Just look at the perfect symmetry, the slight salt-and-pepper coloring, the ideal curvature. Squint hard enough, and you can see a sunrise. Turn it on it's side, and it's a half-moon. It is, in essence, the Alpha and Omega of mustaches.
EXPERT OPINION: "Not as manicured and a little rough, it overall looks very natural. The sign of a rough and tumble style of coaching."

(G) Art Shell
There's a lot going on here: he's got some salt-and-pepper, a slight hang over either end of the mouth, and, most importantly, a full-on soul patch. But all of that is static in the way of the important find—the always-annoying slight gap in the middle, known in some 'stache circles as the "Reverse Hitler".
EXPERT OPINION: "What do you call that? A soul patch? I'm not opposed to it, but it looks like he's a wannabe."

(H) Tony Dungy
The Dungy 'Stache is a throwback to the 70s, a thin stretch of hair that straddles the lip like a caterpillar, yet leaves enough room above his nose to allow Dungy room for nostril exercises. A classic in every sense of the word.
EXPERT OPINION: "He drew that in. It's not real. Or it's just starting to come in so he's using dye. Probably a coach for Detroit. I don't even know if their coach has a mustache, but it's got to be Detroit."

(I) Mike Ditka
One of the most famous mustaches in NFL history, the Ditka is seen here in all of its glory, curved above Da Coach's open mouth as it delivers a roar, no doubt filled with a string of profanities. Hovering like a furry Angel of Death, anyone who sees the Ditka 'Stache in this pose is no doubt wishing they were somewhere else.
EXPERT OPINION: "He just doesn't care. He's got it up there just because he doesn't like to shave. Now, that doesn't mean he's a bad coach. He's just concerned more about the game than facial hair."

(J). Jeff Fisher
The classic near-Walrus look, Fisher has demanded respect since he first started sprouting this ample facial hair, by which to say, since the day he was born. (Rumor has it, Fisher shaved for the first time while he was still in the womb!)
EXPERT OPINION: "Thick in the middle and tapers down. I don't think he can talk underneath it. It comes out 'nom-nom-nom' because he can't get words through. That said, he looks like a disciplinarian."

(K) Brad Childress
One of the newest 'staches on the block, Childress burst onto the head coaching scene two years ago with this doozy. Reminiscent of the classic "Ric Romero", this ample piece completely hides the upper lip while leaving the lower lip uninhibited, even when the mouth is closed. Anyone shocked by the Vikings' success this year obviously hasn't paid close enough attention to this brilliant job.
EXPERT OPINION: "That's a good-looking mustache, been around for awhile, he knows how to trim it. He'd probably let it go further, but has an image to maintain."

(L) Herm Edwards
This aberration is less of a mustache than it is an accident. A thin wisp of hair, when Edwards finally comes around to his senses and shaves it off, odds are no one's going to notice the difference.
EXPERT OPINION: "It looks like he's trying to hide something. He doesn't want to be recognized."

There you have it. The best and the rest. Got a nomination for a top stache? Let us know at editor.espnmag@gmail.com.

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