Fantasy World: Beat the Bye

How to prepare during your bye week.

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She was outside working in the snow. You can surely get some air on a bye week.

(Author's Note: I'm writing this column in a rage after DeAngelo Williams ruined my playoff chances with that cute 36-yard scamper to close out the Monday night game. As such, be forewarned to take any negativity with a grain of salt and any positivity with extreme skepticism.)

Congratulations! You got one of the top seeds in your fantasy playoffs! Unfortunately, in certain cases, this means you have to deal with the horrors of getting a first round bye in your fantasy playoffs, leaving you with absolutely no reason to either (a) live; or (b) watch this week's slate of games. Lucky for you, you have a sick, twisted mind at your disposal that won't stand for such inactivity. Here's a few suggestions to keep your brain active during this brief hiatus.

Mini-Fantasy Season!
This one's the most obvious, which means I can't ignore it. The concept is simple: The two of you who are on a bye get together (via email, phone or carrier pigeon, anything but face-to-face contact) and do a quick 8- or 9-round draft, depending on how many players you want to start. The two teams will go head-to-head this upcoming week, with standard scoring rules applying and the loser buys the winner a steak dinner. (If you're a vegan, you have to still eat the steak, hopefully teaching you a lesson about gambling, you degenerate!) If you want to add some other fun rules like not being able to draft any players already on your team, choosing players who have names that start with the same letter as yours, or playing with hilarious bizarro rules, feel free. I'm sure you could figure those out amongst yourselves.

Re-read the "Twilight" Series
Just in case you missed some of the deep themes of the series the first time through. Kidding. Unless you're 12, there's no reason to ever pick up these novels. Ever.

Spend Some Quality Time With The Family
By which I mean, watch football with your family without your laptop on your lap. This will accomplish two things: (a) give you a counterargument when your significant other complains about not having enough family time; (b) if you're a man, give your sperm a chance to live without the (allegedly) detrimental effect the laptop heat has on your reproductive facilities.

Watch a Game In Person
If you're like me, when Sunday rolls around you lock yourself up in your bunker (or in my case since I'm poor, my neighbor's bunker) and watch every play of every single game, blinking maybe twice an hour. Since your fantasy team doesn't need you this week to give them your praise or curse-enhanced inspiration, why not head over to your local NFL stadium and watch a game like a real human being? If you can't find tickets online, or if this economy has you in a bind, then head to the park anyway and take in the joy of tailgating. Trust me, it'll be nice get outside for the first time in six months. Speaking of …

Go Outside
If you don't live within driving distance of an NFL team (say, LA), that doesn't excuse you from heading outside and getting some rays. Take your dog for a walk. Take the kids out to the park. If you reside in a cold climate, get out and build a snow fort. Just get outside. You need your Vitamin D, after all. You don't want rickets, do you?

Start Scouting For Next Week
Hopefully, by this point in the column we've gotten rid of all the riff-raff that might actually take those silly suggestions to heart. You and I both know there really is no option other than breaking down game film and scouting match-ups for the upcoming week. This is it, after all. A false step here and you might as well pack up your TV for the winter until fantasy baseball season starts back up.

(Stupid DeAngelo Williams …)

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Player on My Team of the Week: Le'Ron McClain with his 61-yard day and a touchdown. While those aren't staggering numbers, I'm putting him here solely because he made me look like a genius. All week, I was struggling to decide between him and Lions RB Kevin Smith, so Saturday night I headed out to the bar, stumbled home and let the alcohol in my body decide for me. It chose McClain. Thanks, drunken self!

How to Heckle One of My Players of the Week: "Hey Vincent Jackson, if you're going to have a career day in the future, can you let me know ahead of time so I don't leave you on my bench?"

The Longest Yard Award of the Week: T.J. Peeler of Broad Run High School, who got to the one-yard line in the Virginia state championship when he put the ball down and started celebrating, the snow on the field obscuring the fact he hadn't crossed the goal line just yet.

Buy High: Bat Boy, after the Weekly World News revealed that they're in talks to buy the Tribune after their recent Chapter 11 claim. And who did the News send in to handle the negotiations? Their alien contingent, naturally.

Sell Low: The terrorists winning, after it was revealed the 9/11 attacks were a big reason why Tom Hanks and Robert Zemekis stopped production of a Forrest Gump sequel.

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