The Magazine Editor's Blog: Wherein I Become a Tight Ends Coach

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Did we mention Terry Metcalf can fly?

Some days it all comes together. Like this past Tuesday. We did our radio show on Sirius (Channel 121), with Generalisimo Sarah Turcotte filling in for my boss and co-host, Gary Hoenig. (Sarah thinks "College Hoops Editor" is too limiting a title given all she does for The Magazine. She might be right.) Anyway, we have a segment on the show called "Mystery Guest," and this past Tuesday I quickly realized that Erik The Engineer/Producer had lined up a great athlete for us to talk to and guess his or her identity. In fact, it only took me eight questions to realize that I was speaking with Terry Metcalf, a Cardinals running back from back in the day and, in my opinion, one of the five most exciting NFL players ever.

I was kind of giddy for a second—No. 21 was one of my childhood heroes—but I rallied, and we had a decent interview, although I'd hate to hear the playback since I think there's a good chance I sounded like a 7th grade girl on TRL (may it rest in peace). Anyway, the best part was yet to come. I knew that Metcalf had taught kindergarten after retiring—How sweet is that?—but he told us on the air that he was now the football coach for Renton High School in Seattle. It was at that point that I had the first of two inspired ideas for the day.

First, I asked Metcalf if I could spend a week coaching his tight ends next season. I don't know why I picked tight ends, except that I might know a little about the position and I'm positive it's the area where I can do the least harm. Whatever. For some reason, Coach agreed. Yes, that's right, Terry Metcalf says I get to be an assistant coach for a week at Renton High next year. (Go Indians!) But that's not where the serendipity ends. Back at the office, we had a visit from Dustin Keller, tight end for the Jets (and Badass!). (I'm sure you can see where this is headed.) And that's when I had my second inspired idea of the day. I told Justin about my opportunity next year, and he agreed to let us fly him out to Seattle and spend a day with "my tight ends," teaching them the finer points of the position. (Somebody has to.) Now, I know what you're thinking right about now: None of this is going to happen. And I realize my enthusiasm might have blinded me from considering all the many obstacles to my plan. But I can assess the likelihood of all this happening with some sense of realism:

Likelihood of me actually getting to coach the Renton High Indians tight ends for a week next season: 51%
Likelihood of Dustin Keller flying out to help me: 27%
Likelihood of me getting to do something with the Renton High tight ends for a week next season: 92%
Likelihood of getting some NFL tight end to fly out to help me: 77%

See? I'm no fool. I'm just a frustrated/wannabe high school position coach. And if this doesn't make for compelling video on espnthemag.com, I don't know what will.

Now on to my list of THE 27 BEST SPORTS IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW, ACCORDING TO ME. It's a whopper of a ranking, though much less important than another list I keep: BEST CURRENT ATHLETE SPORTS-NAME ANAGRAMS (Top 3: "Numbers Atrophy " for Stephon Marbury, "Nerdy Icy Boss" for Sidney Crosby; and "Big Stern Rebel Hero" for Ben Roethlisberger). Anyway, here's this week's update, for Jim "Shake" Otis:

THE 27 BEST SPORTS IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW, ACCORDING TO ME:

1. NFL¹
2. College football
3. College Basketball
4. NBA²
5. High school football (Washington State)
6. Mixed Martial Arts³
7. NHL⁴
8. Surfing⁵
9. MLB (Hot Stove League!)
10. Soccer
11. Touch football
12. Wheelchair rugby
13. Tennis (men's)
14. Yoga
15. Cheese rolling⁶
16. Field hockey
17. Rugby
18. Speed skating
19. Metallic silhouette shooting⁷
20. Tabletop football
21. Tennis (women's)
22. Boxing
23. NASCAR (Sprint Cup)⁸
24. Bowling
25. Arena Football⁹
26. Golf (PGA/LPGA)
27. WNBA

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1. My Cardinals may be the first-ever team that finishes 8-8 but still locks up their division with a month left in the season. Is this a great country or what?

2. I generally don't think it's good for sports when one or two or three teams are so obviously better than the rest, but the Celtics-Lakers-Cavs seasons are, so far, pretty compelling theater. (Geographical balance and stars!) And Chris Paul rocks.

3. The more I read about this sport the more I like it.

4. And falling. (The Blues suck again, so what can I tell you?)

5. Kelly Slater came by the office, and the radio show, recently. Nothing gets a sport into my Top 10 quicker!

6. Because they're rolling cheese!

7. Because guns don't kill people—people who don't use guns solely for sport kill people.

8. A strange Silly Season for my favorite motor sport. Strange times for cars and trucks in general, of course.

9. Wow.

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