The All-Important Gift Guide: BCS-Bound Programs

What do you buy for the team that already has a heckuva shwag bag?

Getty Images

Pete Carroll could use one of these.

Wondering what to get your team before that big BCS matchup? Don't worry. We're here to give you the most useful gift guide for all ten teams headed to the big money bowls.

Florida Gators: Car Parachute
You know, one of those parachutes that pop out of a race car when it's trying to slow down. Without that parachute, every race would end with an EMT chauffeur. That's not exactly an impossibility at a Gators practice. Urban Meyer made it known that he's a fan of racing his players in the spring game, and with all the reported sub 4.4 40 times on that team, you can never be too careful. Hey, if you're fast, stopping can be hard.

Oklahoma Sooners: Cleatus the Fox Sports Linebacker
It's tough to win games, or at least it's supposed to be, when your defensive leader and star middle linebacker gets knocked out for the season. It's tougher still when your backup gets banged up too. That's why this gift is so perfect. You know he's limber and in shape because all he ever does is jump up and down and stretch during the highlights. He can't have any wear and tear since he's never played in an actual game. And even better, he's got no knee issues because he's made of metal. Just make sure to stuff some WD-40 in Bob Stoops' stocking.

Alabama Crimson Tide: Smilex
After about a hundred postgame interviews starting with the same question: "Are you happy about this?" Nick Saban has to be getting tired of justifying his emotions. No one ever asked Jack Nicholson's Joker if he was cheery. Why? Because of that winning smile. The Joker then proceeded to spread his joy whether it was wanted or not through his chemical cosmetic component Smilex. If the Nicktator applied a less than lethal squirt midway through the fourth quarter, he'd be ear-to-ear in time for the cameras, and he wouldn't have to deal with the media questioning how he feels about winning.

Utah Utes: Dan Mullen
He hasn't started coaching the Mississippi State Bulldogs just yet, so here's your window, Utah fans. The last time the Utes knocked off their opponent in a BCS game, Mullen was the quarterbacks coach. And since it will likely take a Tebow-like effort from Brian Johnson to beat Alabama, it's just good gift-giving etiquette to stick Mullen (whose quarterback was the only one to beat 'Bama this year) under the tree. Just make sure you cut some air holes in the box. Dan Mullen might be an offensive god, but he still needs oxygen.

Getty Images

"Where's Saban?"

Texas Longhorns: Can of Stickum
This is obvious. Even though the Longhorns still have a valid argument that they belong in Miami, not Tempe, this would have ended all speculation and taken the BCS computers out of the mix. No one in Austin, or Norman, or Lubbock has forgotten about the play that came before Michael Crabtree's legendary catch and run for the winning score. If freshman safety Blake Gideon hadn't dropped this interception, the Longhorns would be sitting at number one, and on their way to face the Gators. Some Stickum would have made it nearly impossible to muff such an easy pick. Hey it worked for that kid in Little Giants.

Ohio State Buckeyes: An Appointment with Lacuna, Inc
Lacuna is the company that erased Jim Carrey's memories in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. There are too many players on this team who suffered through the last two trips to the BCS to hope that they simply forget about the past on their own. Focusing on recent history could be devastating to the Buckeyes. The solution: hire a hypnotherapist to erase those painful memories. Give the freshmen the day off and sit down with all the upper classmen until 79-38 is nothing more than the number of sweater vests Jim Tressel owns. That reminds us: don't get them sweater vests again.

USC Trojans: A Delorean
Not just any Delorean, but the most famous Delorean of all: the Back to the Future Delorean. With Doc and Marty's technology the Trojans could travel back to September and try that Oregon State game again. With the way their defense has gelled since, the outcome might be different, and Carroll would be riding in style through the streets of South Beach.

Penn State Nittany Lions: Ear Horn
JoePa has done a hell of a job coaching from up in the booth, but with all that "new-fangled" audio technology he could use a throwback to simpler times. With this svelte and stylish ear horn, Paterno could hear the on-field calls during the game and be ready for the New Years sock hop later that night. Plus, if he held it against the wall there's a chance he could catch some of USC's play calls.

Cincinnati Bearcats: A Moat
Somehow the University of Cincinnati held on to Brian Kelly without a circular pool of water to keep money-wielding suitors at bay. Don't expect such lucky results in 2009. A moat would be the perfect fix. Notre Dame is rumored to be eyeing Kelly for their next experiment, and the Leprechaun would have a hard time swimming up to the gates of Cinci with those stubby legs. If you want to go all out, put the coach in a tower, buy a dragon and install a drawbridge.

Virginia Tech Hokies: The "Instant Freeplay Pennant" from EA Sports NCAA Football 2008
If you're not familiar with the greatest video game series of all time, some versions allowed you to earn pennants that would unlock cheats to give your team an advantage. The fifth down that accompanies the Instant Freeplay pennant would be a welcome gift for the Hokies. VT's defense has played well down the stretch, like always, but the offense has been pretty darn frustrating. Getting that extra chance to pick up a first down could be just what the Hokies need to get by a feisty Cincinnati squad. Of course, if you can't afford it, freshman running back Darren Evans should score some points considering he has 593 rushing yards in the last five games.

Print Article . Email Article. Subscribe to The Magazine