The World's Game (According to Us)

It's time to hand out the awards.

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We also crumble in the presence of Ronaldo.

When soccer fans reflect on 2008, we're sure the first thing they'll remember fondly is the birth of The World's Game (According to Us), where each week we feature the sideshows and carnival rides surrounding the greatest show on earth, global soccer. But after us, what were the highlights of the soccer-playing year? We give out our 2008 awards, WGATU style.

Player of the Year: Cristiano Ronaldo
Yeah, yeah, Messi might be a better dribbler, but we're not giving Ronny our award because of his fancy moves, his 42 goals, or because he led Manchester United to the double. We're giving it to him because he "played" with the fans and media all summer while sunning himself in Southern California. The fact that the "Will Ronaldo go to Madrid?" story still has legs is a testament to Ronaldo's ability as a player on and off the field. Plus, he's pretty good at soccer. Just watch.

Honorable Mention: The other Ronaldo
Recovering from a knee injury, the Brazilian Fenomeno reportedly took up with three transvestites before he realized he'd made a mistake. Maybe that actually makes him a pretty lousy "player," but we couldn't resist mentioning it.

Most Entertaining Manager of the Year: Diego Maradona
Sure, Joe Kinnear's outbursts are fun, and Roy Keane was a trip, but there is only one stomach-stapling, Castro-loving global icon in charge of a major national soccer team.

Soccer Nation of the Year: Spain
Somehow Spain managed to combine free-flowing, attacking soccer with success on the international stage, winning Euro 2008 in style. But Spain also gets this award because we love to read the operatic tales of La Liga by great journalists like Sid Lowe and Phil Ball. They have a lot to work with: the rabid headlines in the sports papers, the Real Madrid merry-go-round, and the wild culture of Spanish fans.

Only in Spain could Lowe begin a column: "You can ditch your Real Madrid shirt, bin your official Real Madrid cheese and pour your Real Madrid Rioja down the sink. It was probably just a repackaged carton of Don Simón anyway. You can drop your Madrid bullfighter's cape and run screaming for the safety of the callejón, or leave your Madrid surfboard forever buried in the sand. As for that infuriating plastic air horn thing: you can stick that, too. And while you're at it you might as well give up on collecting tokens for the Real Madrid toasted sandwich maker with its ingenious non-stick, bread-branding panels. In fact, you can give up on Real Madrid altogether. (You can give up on Real Madrid!) At least you can if you believe Bernd Schuster."

Honorable mention (or the "if it moves, throw money at it" award): The United Arab Emirates
Even though some folks think Becks is a terrorism target every time he steps into the Middle East, it's no surprise that he and his Milanese teammates are hanging out in Dubai. They've built a whole spots city there, and will host the next two Club World Cups. Meanwhile in Abu Dhabi, the group that took over Manchester City is plotting world domination. Who will they bring in next? Cesc Fabregas? Fernando Torres? Kaka?

Harlequin Love Story of the Year: Jose Mourinho and Didier Drogba
When Chelsea striker Didier Drogba published his autobiography earlier this year, the Financial Times called it a "cheap romantic novel" for its loving portrayal of former Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho. The player and coach are still constantly linked, but sadly, Mourinho says, they won't be reunited at Inter Milan. Still, the man formerly known as the Special One reminisces about their relationship: "I remember every moment we spent together: from when I wanted him at Chelsea and he first arrived at Stamford Bridge, to the Cup Final at Wembley when he hugged me before his team-mates, seeking me out like crazy in the locker room."

Most Disturbing Ad of the Year: Nicolas Anelka S&M for Puma
Back when we wrote about the new pink soccer shoe phenomenon, we missed the weirdest ad for the rosy cleats, the one in which Nicolas Anelka gets tied to a chair by a bikini-clad model. Only in France.

Superstitious Team of the Year: Modena
They brought in a Monk to perform an exorcism on the dressing room. Apparently, the Monk was a fan, but God wasn't.

Uniform of the Year: West Ham United
After West Ham's shirt sponsor was hit by the financial collapse, the team briefly wore no logo on the front of their uniforms. No logo. Nothing. How quaint.

Goals of the Year
We're hoping 101 Great Goals will put up some compilations. In the meantime, check out the goals of Euro 2008 and of the MLS seasons.

EXTRA TIME

•Becks canned by Pepsi

•Fans return stolen Rolex

•Soccer stars fight over model in Chilean bar

•La Liga quotes of the Year

•Qatar to bid for WorldCup

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