Stage-Setting: NFL Predictions

Who will win the AFC and NFC? Head to the sound stage!

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"Ravens don't win, I'm dropping the DVD release of The Wire. Yeah. I said it."

In the next few days, a lot of professionals will be analyzing the upcoming double-dose of NFL action by using such time-tested guidelines as "statistics," "past performance" and "study of actual game film." But as we've seen with the insane amount of upsets so far, these tend to do no better than throwing darts at a map. So instead, we're going to approach the prediction spectrum from a different angle, one that surely can't miss: By rating them based on what films and TV shows have been set there!

Arizona Cardinals (Phoenix, AZ) VS. Philadelphia Eagles (Philadelphia, PA)

Philadelphia

• Pretty much all film discussion about Philly begins and ends with that small-time boxer from Rockys I through Balboa.

• Producers and directors have used the charm of the city's name in their titles as well: Philadelphia, The Philadelphia Story, The Philadelphia Experiment and, most recently, in the funniest show on television, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

• Speaking of television, Philadelphia has a long history of being featured on the small screen. Preteen boys first decided that cooties were worth the risk by watching Topanga on Boy Meets World. Adults finally found a group they could relate to in Thirtysomething. Most historically, the Fresh Prince made his residence in West Philadelphia—you know, just chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool—before he was forced to become a fish out of water in Bel Air.

• Unfortunately, much of the above positives are countered by the fact that Philly is also the site of everything ever done by M. Night Shyamalan.

Phoenix

• The city's outskirts are where the main action is: The classic 1980 Kurt Russell satire Used Cars was shot in Mesa. Much of the weirdness of Raising Arizona was filmed in Tempe. The titular character of the show Alice worked as a waitress at a Mel's Diner on a main road into the city.

• Currently, the Patricia Arquette-speaking-to-the-dead show Medium utilizes Phoenix proper.

• The city's best production claim may be that it's included in one of the greatest movies of all time. Phoenix was where Marion Crane held her bank job before stealing some money and taking an ill-advised trip into California, stopping for just one short night at a motel run by Norman Bates. That's right, Psycho.

PREDICTION: So which is more important: Being in a bunch of quality productions, or having a small role in one of the greatest movies of all time? That's kind of like saying who's better, Don Cheadle or Lee Ving? We're going to have to go with the former in this case.

Eagles 27, Cardinals 17

Pittsburgh Steelers (Pittsburgh, PA) VS. Baltimore Ravens (Baltimore, MD)

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Then Bill Murray drove him off a cliff.

Pittsburgh

• For a city founded on the grueling manual labor of the country's steel workers, it's a surprise to find out that some of the great comedies have been set there. Kingpin was shot all around Pittsburgh except, obviously, the big climax in Reno. The great sports comedy Slap Shot was filmed there, as was the original 1951-version of Angels in the Outfield, before Disney moved the franchise to southern California. Most recently, Zack and Miri made a film with adult themes in the area.

• And, of course, weatherman Phil Conners broadcasted from a Pittsburgh TV station before making that fateful trip 84 miles north to Punxsutawney in Groundhog Day.

• Television-wise, Pittsburgh was both the fictional home to Mr. Belvedere and where Mister Rogers' Neighborhood was filmed. Although, no matter how hard you try, you'd be hard-pressed to locate the Neighborhood of Make-Believe in the city.

• If comedy's not your thing, then how about the city of Pittsburgh being overrun with zombies in George Romero's Land of the Dead?

• But Pittsburgh also provided something for the ladies with full-frontal nudity by Bruce Willis, who played a Pittsburgh police officer in Striking Distance.

Baltimore

• David Simon has recently taken over the city of Baltimore with his combo platter of Homicide: Life on the Street, The Corner and, most recently and amazingly, The Wire. But there was a long tradition of utilizing Baltimore's inherent weirdness before hoppers started roaming the corners of Bodymore, Murderland; this is where Edgar Allen Poe died after all.

• Hannibal Lecter ran his own psychiatric practice in the city before his hunger got the best of him (and his patients). If he didn't lose his license for culinary indiscretions, he might have even been working in the Baltimore mental hospital taking care of Brad Pitt's character in Twelve Monkeys ...

• ... or really any character created by John Waters, who sets every one of his films there.

• Non-sociopath-wise, the city was also the setting for the Kevin Bacon/Elizabeth Perkins romantic comedy He Said, She Said—which found both leads working as reporters for the Baltimore Sun—and the TV show Roc, where Charles S. Dutton worked in the city's sanitation department.

• And since this is apparently the Year of Mickey Rourke, you can't forget that the classic film Diner took place here.

• Unfortunately, much of the above greatness is overruled by the fact that both Step Up and Step Up 2: The Streets called Baltimore home.

PREDICTION: As wide-ranging and weird as the productions by David Simon and John Waters have been, it's hard to argue with full-frontal nudity by Bruce Willis.

Pittsburgh 17, Baltimore 14

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