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The NASCAR Advice Columnist

4/22/2009
Dr. Racy charges by the hour. Getty Images

Feeling lost in the motorsports wilderness? Wondering why you can't seem to get your life together or figure out what spring rate to run this weekend at your local short track? Help is here my 5W30 covered brothers and sisters, because Dr. Racy Ryan, the Internet's only motorsports advice columnist, is back on the crankcase. A founding member of the Licensed Order Of Neurosis Experts Y'all (L.O.O.N.E.Y.), I am here to help you find more downforce for your emotional lives. Think of me as the love child of Dr. Joyce Brothers and Frank Cannonball Baker.

So without further ado, adieu, ahem…let's get on with the queries.

Dear Racy Ryan,
Tony Stewart's amazing success as a new driver/owner has inspired me to also take on a double life. I am debating over whether to go with lawyer/circus clown or wrestler/dog whisperer. How is Smoke making it work? And do you think I can pull either one of these off or am I just crazy?
Two-Faced in Two Egg, FL

Dear Two-Faced,
As far as you know, you are not crazy. Many people believed that Stewart was crazy for leaving the team with which he'd won two NASCAR titles to follow down the path of such disastrous legend-turned-bankrupt team owners such as Darrell Waltrip, Geoff Bodine and Bobby Allison. But strengthening the partnership with Hendrick Motorsports was a stroke of genius and the timing of all the economy-driven layoffs within the sport was well-timed for Tony, allowing him to cherry-pick some very talented people from the unemployment line. But keep in mind, Stewart's two lives are mutually beneficial, a blueprint that you should use as your guide. Pick two occupations that will support one another. I'm thinking accountant/televangelist or competitive eater/Waffle House cook.

Dear Racy Ryan,
Please save my marriage! My wife says that Dale Earnhardt is the greatest NASCAR driver of all time and I say that it is Jeff Gordon. She says that until one of us is proven right I am banished to the couch. I've been there since the Daytona 500 finished in February. Who is right?
Sofa Bed in Sleepy Eye, MN

Dear Sofa Bed,
Grab an extra pillow. Neither one of you is right. This is Richard Petty's kingdom. But if you need help going to sleep just watch a replay of February's California race or I could send over some recordings I have of my most recent interview with Robert Yates.

Dear Racy Ryan,
As a NASCAR traditionalist I am a little disturbed that next month's Darlington race will be sponsored by GoDaddy.com. Isn't that the same company that does those racy Super Bowl ads with Danica Patrick?
Attractive in Magnet, NE

Dear Attractive,
First, in these tough economic times any sponsorship is good sponsorship and I applaud the folks down at the Darlington Raceway for landing a deal when so many other tracks are being forced to go sponsor-free. I think that the GoDaddy folks were probably thinking that the track's nickname—The Lady In Black—would fit in well with their infamous bimbo-heavy ad campaigns. Man, are they going to be shocked when they get down there and realize that this Lady is a 59-year old redneck with sand in her shorts who likes to eat Goodyear Eagles for breakfast.

Dear Racy Ryan,
My brother-in-law is a giant Kyle Busch fan while I am a Dale Earnhardt Jr. supporter. As their rivalry has grown he has started going out of his way to agitate me. Just last week he took a Sharpie and changed the No. 88 window sticker on my car to make it look like an 18. Is this tension between those two drivers real or media-manufactured? And should I be the better man and do nothing or should I release my tension by retaliating?
Revenge in Montezuma, GA

Dear Revenge,
The tension between those two is very real. I was standing in the 88 pits at Darlington one year ago when Shrub rode by during the pre-race parade laps and extended the one-fingered salute their way. Interestingly enough, Busch's bullying tactics are straight out of the "How to be the Bad Guy" manual that was written by Dale Earnhardt Senior two decades ago. However, if both of those teams keep running as badly as they have over the last few weeks neither one of them has much ground to stand on when it comes to acting tough. As for you, you should definitely take the high road. And by high road I mean the one that takes you to the Home Depot to buy grass killer spray. Burning a giant brown 88 in the middle of his lawn should do the trick.

Dear Racy Ryan,
Last weekend my favorite driver, Mark Martin, won a Cup race at the age of 50 and 74-year-old James Hylton drove in the ARCA race at Rockingham. At 64 I'm right in the middle so I think I should try to do something to honor them. I think I am thinking about spending my pension fund money on a dirt late model so I can get my race on.
Young at Heart in Old Glory, TX

Dear Young,
I appreciate your enthusiasm, but keep in mind that Mark Martin is probably the most fit quinquagenarian on the face of the planet. He hasn't had a drink since he was a teenager and a body fat percentage so low that he looks like Skeletor. As for Hylton, he's racing in a second-division series with more than a half-century of driving experience. What I'm trying to say here is that before you slide into the cockpit you should read and heed all the warning labels that come on the back of your ED medication.

Dear Racy Ryan,
What's up with all the mistakes on pit road this year? At Phoenix guys were leaving loose lugnuts all over the place. I am such a race fan that their misfires are causing me to misfire with my husband, especially, um, behind pit wall at home…if you catch my drift.
Lost in Lover, PA

Dear Lost,
NASCAR has mandated slightly longer lug studs this year, the rods that the tires are hung on and pulled off during a pit stop. A fraction of an inch may not seem like much, but tire changers are all about rhythm…zing zing zing zing zing. Now they have to make those zings last a fraction a second longer than normal. If they don't, the tire stays loose. During night races they have the added issue of shadows cast over the work area. If you look closely some of the guys have started bolting small flashlights to their helmets. As for you and your man, maybe you should try that…wear a miner's light on your head during your, um, private time together for guidance. Also, try calling him a lug stud.

Dear Racy Ryan,
Once again I have to step in here and question your credentials. I've been talking to my fellow advice givers and counselors and none of us have ever heard of you. I can't help but believe you are doing more damage to these poor people seeking help than a drunk raccoon with a pair of pliers.
Phil in Hollywood, CA

Dear Phil,
Bring it on, you hack. If you have a problem with me I'll meet you out behind the Dr. Phil House with a lawn chair and a tire iron. Let's dance.

Alright folks, that'll do it for this edition of Dr. Racy Ryan, the Internet's only motorsports advice columnist. Keep those questions coming and, until next time, remember—it's not that other people don't like you, you don't like you.