The World's Game (According to Us)

In a young man's game, Ryan Giggs gives the geezers hope.

Getty Images

"You like me! You really like me!"

There was a time when the only distinction between us and a world-class soccer player was a brilliant first touch and a garage full of Bentleys. But then -- we don't know how this happened! -- we realized all the great players were much younger than us. It's not like we at WGATU are geezers by most standards, but look at Arsenal, the tween team. The average age of their starting 11 against Villareal in the Champions League was 22-and-a-half. If we suddenly discovered a pill (er, training regimen) that gave us Kaka-like control and blazing speed, we still don't think we'd fit in the Arsenal locker room. We'd miss all the Twilight references.

That's why we were thrilled that Manchester United's Ryan Giggs was voted the best player of the year in England by his fellow players -- even the teenagers. Giggs is 35 years old, which is like 75 in soccer years, and he still goes from standing to breathlessly fast before you can think. He zigs this way with a smooth and powerful glide, then zags inside, and the defense is cut open. And he can score. Afterward, he probably watches Matlock.

But Giggs' award was not without controversy. When Manchester United play those cute little kids from Arsenal today in the Champions League, Giggs may not be included in the starting lineup. He's only started 12 league games this year, as United boss Sir Alex Ferguson tries to keep those old legs fresh. Critics think that isn't enough playing time to warrant a major award, and that the honor was a bit like Al Pacino's Oscar for Scent of a Woman -- a lifetime achievement award in disguise.

But we prefer to look on the bright side and agree with Giggs backers, like the group that's trying to get him knighted, or Gordon Taylor, who said, "Just like a good wine he gets better with age." So, in Giggs's honor, we put together a team of players over 33 years old who deserve special recognition.

Presenting the Bea Arthur 11:

• In goal, we'll have to go with Giggs's United teammate Edwin van der Sar (38) although we'd like to keep 37-year-old Brad Friedel on the bench just in case.
• Anchoring our defense is Paolo Maldini, the 40 year-old genius from AC Milan (the fountain of middle age) where he plays with over 30 stars like David Beckham and Clarence Seedorf.
• Gary Neville (34), Marco Materazzi (35) and Frankie Hejduk (34) round out our back four. Materazzi is there partly for his tattoos and his bad attitude (we can't have all nice guys), and Hejduk is on there just because he plays for the USA. (This is a biased list.) We left Fabio Cannavaro off, because last time we saw him play, he looked, well, old.
• In the midfield with Giggs, we'll put MLS's 2008 MVP Guillermo Schelotto along with Javier Zanetti, both 35-year-old Argentines, and Juninho, the best 34-year-old free-kick specialist in the world.
• Up top, we don't know. We may have to go with the Italian geriatrics, Felippo Inzaghi (35) and Alessandro Del Piero (34). Or can we put 37-year-old Dwight Yorke up there -- for old times' sake?

EXTRA TIME

• A guide to the Manchester United-Arsenal rivalry
• Australia launches viral campaign against itself (we think)
• Swine Flu shuts down Mexican soccer
• Green Street Hooligans 2: the live blog
• Ronaldo makes the goals of the week

Print Article . Email Article. Subscribe to The Magazine