Fantasy World: Picking the Worst

Picking the worst fantasy players is no easy task. But we tried.

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A great fantasy look: Daniel Murphy bunting.

There's a lot of downtime to fill during a 17-3 baseball game (like, for example, last Monday's drubbing of the Angels by the White Sox) so you have to come up with little games for yourselves. Intern Jason and myself decided to play a little of the ol' "the worst player in the majors" game. The rules were simple: The player had to be a starter (no injury replacements or recent minor league call-ups) and you could take defensive prowess into the equation. We concluded that Seattle shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt was that player, with the stipulation that we'd look up stats later to see if we were right. (We weren't; neither of us can justify spending money on an iPhone in this rickety economic climate.)

But real life skills work differently than fantasy life. Defense, for one, doesn't matter at all. And if a player is at least able to steal a base here and there despite only hitting .240, his worth is much higher in the Fantasy World than it is in real life. So let's go down the list, position by position, and name the worst players out there.

(Also to be noted: Just to make things a bit more uniform regarding playing time, I've only allowed played who have reached the 100 at-bat plateau this year to be considered.)

Worst Fantasy Catcher:
While Jason Kendall is a not-so-shocking contender for this spot (.217 without a single home run or stolen base), anyone who expected production from a guy who hit .265 with six total HRs over the past four seasons knows what they were getting in him. No, this award is going to Cubs backstop Geovany Soto, a preseason top-10 catcher (and thus pricey for some), who has raised his average to .214 after hitting .288 during the month of May. He also just collected his first home run of the year so, you know, things are looking up.

Worst Fantasy First Baseman:
While he had a memorable Memorial Day game (filling out the box score by going 4-for-4 with a HR, three RBIs, three runs and a stolen base), if you remove that flash-in-the-pan game out of his season stats, Giants first baseman Travis Ishikawa is hitting .219 with zero HRs,12 RBI, 10 runs and nary a stolen base even attempted. The position of first base, ladies and gentlemen, is usually reserved for someone with a capable bat. And this is just one more reason why I'd be shocked if the Dodgers don't win the NL West by 25 games.

Worst Fantasy Second Baseman:
Second base is, indeed, a sordid bunch. There's so many out there who drain certain categories (say Dan Uggla, who's hitting .200) but make it up for you in other ways (his eight HRs). Even Kaz Matsui and his .219 batting average has six SBs that even things out a bit. But there's one man who's been offering just about nothing to your team this year: Detroit's Placido Polanco. His average at .259 isn't awful, but zeros in the HR (Ed's Note: Yeah, he banged one out yesterday, of course.) and SB categories, and currently outside of the top-15 in runs and RBIs, and you start to wonder if the 80 percent of leagues that he's owned in need another owner next season.

Worst Fantasy Third Baseman:
When looking through the stenches at the hot corner, two names stand out: Josh Fields (.221 with two HRs) and Garrett Atkins (.190, three HRs). While Atkins has been the bigger disappointment -- he was a top-eight third baseman heading into the year -- so much of his awfulness has come from bad luck due to a low, low BABIP of .209; he's a good shot to turn it around. Fields, on the other hand, actually has a high BABIP of .313. So that's why we're giving the former Oklahoma State quarterback the nod here. Congrats.

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"Dude, you got MJ stats. Not NBA -- I'm talking Birmingham."

Worst Fantasy Shortstop:
Some might say it's not fair to pick on Nick Punto and his .193 average without a single home run over 119 at-bats, and that his four stolen bases more than make him a legitimate fantasy option. He shouldn't be singled out because he has the heart of a champion, whatever that means. These people, obviously, are idiots. The fact that Punto has lasted a nine full major league seasons while hitting .248 and slugging a not-so-powerful .324 should make us all ask one question: Just who, exactly, does he have horribly compromising photos of anyway?

Worst Fantasy Left Fielder:
While he's officially a first baseman now, since Daniel Murphy spent the first part of the year avoiding fly balls in left field, that's where he's getting slotted here. You can't just ignore a .248 hitter with only three home runs, especially if that player is on the team with the second largest payroll in baseball.

Worst Fantasy Center Fielder:
Although actual trades between teams have little to do with a player's fantasy worth, as an unabashed White Sox fan it's tough for me to bring up the next guy without cracking open the history books for a moment. Following the 2007 season, White Sox GM Ken Williams was ridiculed after the Diamondbacks Chris Young -- whom Williams had traded away two years before for, essentially, Javier Vazquez -- collected some Rookie of the Year votes by mashing 32 home runs and adding 27 stolen bases. (The trade looked even worse since the White Sox had a huge hole in center field they have yet to fill.) Flash forward to this year and the same Chris Young is currently hitting .177 with three home runs and four stolen bases. He's also whiffed 43 times, putting him in the top-20. I'm not saying Williams is the greatest GM ever -- any team that settles to start the season with DeWayne Wise in center field will always give me pause -- but let's give Williams his due this time: He was right. (And he also nabbed Carlos Quentin a year later.)

Worst Fantasy Right Fielder:
A once-perennial All Star, this has been a horrible way to (possibly) close out a career for Brian Giles. Currently hitting .175 with two home runs and a single stolen base, you can only wonder what the move to spacious Petco Park did to his legacy. Before Petco, he cranked out home runs at a rate of one every 16.65 plate appearances. Since the move, it's been every 38.7 plate appearances. He might still be alright as far as average goes -- his BABIP is a horrendously bad .187, which can only turn around -- but you can find outfielders like that on any waiver wire in any league.

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Players On My Team of the Week: Elvis Andrus, the supposedly all-defense, no-hit shortstop who had himself a fine week, hitting .364 with a HR and two SBs. Keep it up, Dollar Value Wonder!

How to Heckle One of My Players of the Week: "Hey Ian Kinsler, a 2-for-23 mini-slump is not the best way to repay someone naming you Fantasy Player of the First Quarter."

The Keyboard Cat Video of the Week: Easily my new favorite phenomenon, the "Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat" meme that's been making its way around the Internet has reached new heights with the introduction of Keyboard Gato.

Buy High: Getting wings, after Germany banned the energy drink-hybrid Red Bull Cola after tests showed that trace amounts of cocaine were mixed inside of the beverage. Really, they should have just banned it for tasting awful.

Sell Low: Future generations giving the thumbs up sign, after new research shows there's "reason to be concerned" that teenagers texting too much may lead to temporary or permanent damage to their thumbs.

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