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People Much Better Than Me

9/4/2009

If it's true that New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter and "Friday Night Lights" actress Minka Kelly are planning a wedding, it marks the end of one of the greatest Valentino runs in sports history.

Not since Joe Namath has one athlete hung so many lip-biting beauties off his arm without ever getting a champagne bottle smashed over his head or a paternity suit hung on his door.

Therefore -- with apologies to Ms. Kelly -- we rank the losers in the epic and historic Get Jeter to the Altar Sweepstakes:

10. Jordana Brewster: Actress from The Fast and the Furious. Also an apt description of their relationship.

9. Joy Enriquez: pop singer and former 7th Heaven guest star. Interestingly, Enriquez was also once a back-up singer for Mariah Carey, who ranks --

8. Ms. Carey, Jeter's first as a pro.

7.Lara Dutta: 2000 Miss Universe and current Bollywood star. A few years back, Jeter let me open an entire locker full of his mail. The most interesting letter was from a different Miss Universe, who included a photo with not a lot of clothing and her cell number. When I told Jeter -- with astonishment -- that he was being pursued with vigor by a Miss Universe, he said, and I quote exactly: "No way, dude. I'm not going down that Miss Universe road again." I just stared, open-mouthed, at him. Has any man ever uttered that sentence before?

6. Gabrielle Union, actress. Turned out not to be true, but we include it here just to run her quote: "I'm linked to a lot of people," Union said at the time. "It'd be great to be dating Derek Jeter. As far as fake relationships go, I'm moving up."

5. Vanessa Minnillo: Former Miss Teen USA and long-time MTV host. Hot enough to melt gold fillings.

4. Adriana Lima: Victoria's Secret Model, Maybelline Girl, Brazilian Supermodel. Hard to imagine Jeter letting this one go, unless it was perhaps for --

3. Vida Guerra: Former Playboy model. Many magazines she appears in must be handled with oven mitts.

Tie, 2 and 1: The Two Jessicas -- Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel. Jeter is the only male to pull off the rare Jessica parlay. For that alone, he goes down in the Sealy Posturepedic Hall of Fame.

Derek Jeter's getting married?

Somewhere, a room service waiter weeps.

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