CARDED

Courtesy Vuguru

On Sept. 20, Topps launched a web series, Back on Topps (backontopps.com), starring Randy and Jason Sklar as Leif and Leyland Topps (above, with Baron Davis) long-lost heirs who return to run the family card business. Our favorite twins couldn't tell us what to expect from the show, but they did reveal what not to.

STAR-SPANGLED BALLER
In this episode, the Topps Bros. want to feature Josh Howard in a Texas stars set but can't afford the bad press brought on by his "unpatriotic" actions. To scare him straight, they force the Mav to watch, Clockwork Orange-style, a loop of Carl Lewis singing the national anthem. But he won't cave until Roseanne, in a special guest appearance, burps on him.

SMELLY CUB
Leif and Leyland pitch their board on a set of scratch-and-sniff cards. Alas, the line "If you haven't smelled Carlos Zambrano, you haven't lived" is too controversial for all parties involved.

BABY'S GOT BACKNE
The L's are hard at work on a "Ladies of the Steroid Era" set that includes Marion Jones and Liudmyla Blonska. The drama builds to a last-act crescendo when Debbie Clemens forces the boys to repeatedly inject her buttocks with "bee pollen" throughout her photo shoot.

KINGS OF CON
The twins try to bribe Adam Jones to change his name to Dig Dug Jones, in an effort to market a Topps Dig Dug arcade game. The idea infuriates Jones, who goes after the brothers on Jonathan Casillas' moped, thereby violating the conditions of his league suspension. He is forced to sit out the rest of 2008, and the Cowboys end up losing to the Jets in the Super Bowl.

THE LAST LAUGH
Big fans of Billy Crystal's debut with the Yanks, Ley and Le convince the Cubs to sign Jim Belushi to a one-day contract for a special Comedians in Sports set. It all goes south when Belushi insists on playing, then promptly bobbles a double-play ball. Two runs score, and the Cubs lose and are eliminated from playoff contention. Chicago sues the two Toppses for meddling. Belushi is featured instead in a Game-Changers set.

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