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Friday, February 15, 2013
A wacky week of Gronk and Gronker

By D'Arcy Maine

In case you were busy causing a power outage at the Superdome, here's the best of the email and gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.

Winter of Gronk

Everyones favorite frat brother, Rob Gronkowski, wasted no time starting his now-annual offseason drunken, shirtless dancing tour. Arm injury be damned!

First stop (at least by Internet standards): Vegas! When the Patriots suggested a rehab plan for Gronks broken left forearm, were guessing that didnt include clubbing in Las Vegas. Although there is a club called Rehab, so maybe he was just confused. We wouldnt put it past him.

Of course, like every good shirtless dance number, it turned into to a total bro wrestling match, with the Patriots tight end fighting with his friend and landing directly on that injured left arm. Party foul!

One can only imagine Bill Belichicks reaction when seeing this video.

Terrell Owens would pay to be back on this list (if he had any money left)

Forbes magazine released the results of its annual survey of most disliked American athletes this week. Fallen heroes Lance Armstrong, Manti Teo and Tiger Woods topped the list. While the top three all have made headlines for their well-documented scandals, the No. 4 athlete is just, well, plain disliked. Of course were talking about Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. A man who has never met a scowl he didnt like.

In news that probably wont help him get off this list any time soon, Cutlers fiancée, Kristin Cavallari (who almost undoubtedly would make the most disliked reality stars list), told E! News that Cutler proposed to her via text message. Hmm. We dont remember that moment in any fairy tale or romantic comedy, but we must have missed it.

After she accepted his proposal (were guessing it went something like, OMG! Totes! ILU!), Cutler channeled his inner Prince Charming by sending the ring in the mail. And who says romance is dead?

We would say more on this topic but weve watched enough of Laguna Beach and The Hills to be absolutely terrified of the wrath of Cavallari. #TeamLC

You thought your Tuesday night was wild?

And our next contestant on You Make Millions of Dollars, Couldnt You Call for a Cab? is & Todd Helton!

The Rockies first baseman was arrested on charges of DUI and reckless driving early Wednesday morning near his home in Thornton, Colo. According to the police report, a witness saw Helton strike a median while driving his truck and then park the truck at a nearby gas station. And like everyone would do immediately after getting into a minor accident, Helton went inside and bought lottery tickets. Police found the 39-year-old stumbling outside the gas station, reeking of booze and clutching the tickets. While Helton denied hitting the median, he did tell the officers that he had consumed two Igloo cups of red wine. Stay classy!

Moral of the story: When youre having one of those days where all you want to do is chug wine from an Igloo cup and buy hoards of lottery tickets, just make sure you have a friend drive you.

Football players are just like us!

In the one day a year in which fax machines return to all their 1990s glory, virtually all of the ESPN 150 players sent letters of intent to their schools of choice on National Signing Day. Well, almost all of them. Running back Alex Collins of South Plantation (Fla.) had verbally committed to Arkansas in a televised press conference on Monday and, by all accounts, was planning to make it official on Wednesday. But, as is the case with many high school students plans, his mom said no. His mother, Andrea McDonald, refused to sign the papers because she would like him to go Miami so he can come home whenever she needs him.

Angered by his moms public betrayal, Collins older brother told the Miami Herald that Alex had been holed up in his room. To summarize: a high school student and his mother are fighting about his future and said high school student responds by hiding in his room. Basically Alex Collins is EVERY HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT ON THE PLANET.

In further evidence that high school football stars are, in fact, actual high school students, Collins pulled the classic if Mom says no, ask Dad move and got his father to sign the papers on Thursday. Were glad we wont be attending that family dinner tonight.

Does this make Joe Flacco Batman?

Weve heard a number of theories as to why the power went out at the Superdome early in the second half of the Super Bowl. And while were partial to the whole thing being a part of Beyonce and the Illumantis plan for complete global domination, the gang at College Humor offers a slightly different rationale.

Bane (the The Dark Knight Rises villain) admits his role in the blackout . And brings up some very interesting questions while hes at it. What exactly DOES Danica Patrick have to do with domain names?

This sure beats an alarm clock

By now everyone has seen the video of the trick-shot toddler. But that was so Monday! Weve moved on to a new favorite baby. Gangnam-style, um, style!