A wacky week of Gronk and Gronker
In case you were busy causing a power outage at the Superdome, here's the best of the email and gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
Winter of Gronk
Everyone’s favorite frat brother, Rob Gronkowski, wasted no time starting his now-annual offseason drunken, shirtless dancing tour. Arm injury be damned!
First stop (at least by Internet standards): Vegas! When the Patriots suggested a rehab plan for Gronk’s broken left forearm, we’re guessing that didn’t include clubbing in Las Vegas. Although there is a club called Rehab, so maybe he was just confused. We wouldn’t put it past him.
Of course, like every good shirtless dance number, it turned into to a total bro wrestling match, with the Patriots tight end fighting with his friend and landing directly on that injured left arm. Party foul!
One can only imagine Bill Belichick’s reaction when seeing this video.
Terrell Owens would pay to be back on this list (if he had any money left)
Forbes magazine released the results of its annual survey of most disliked American athletes this week. Fallen heroes Lance Armstrong, Manti Te’o and Tiger Woods topped the list. While the top three all have made headlines for their well-documented scandals, the No. 4 athlete is just, well, plain disliked. Of course we’re talking about Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. A man who has never met a scowl he didn’t like.
In news that probably won’t help him get off this list any time soon, Cutler’s fiancée, Kristin Cavallari (who almost undoubtedly would make the “most disliked reality stars” list), told E! News that Cutler proposed to her via text message. Hmm. We don’t remember that moment in any fairy tale or romantic comedy, but we must have missed it.
After she accepted his proposal (we’re guessing it went something like, “OMG! Totes! ILU!”), Cutler channeled his inner Prince Charming by sending the ring in the mail. And who says romance is dead?
We would say more on this topic but we’ve watched enough of “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills” to be absolutely terrified of the wrath of Cavallari. #TeamLC
You thought your Tuesday night was wild?
And our next contestant on “You Make Millions of Dollars, Couldn’t You Call for a Cab?” is … Todd Helton!
The Rockies first baseman was arrested on charges of DUI and reckless driving early Wednesday morning near his home in Thornton, Colo. According to the police report, a witness saw Helton strike a median while driving his truck and then park the truck at a nearby gas station. And like everyone would do immediately after getting into a minor accident, Helton went inside and bought lottery tickets. Police found the 39-year-old stumbling outside the gas station, reeking of booze and clutching the tickets. While Helton denied hitting the median, he did tell the officers that he had consumed “two Igloo cups of red wine.” Stay classy!
Moral of the story: When you’re having one of those days where all you want to do is chug wine from an Igloo cup and buy hoards of lottery tickets, just make sure you have a friend drive you.
Football players are just like us!
In the one day a year in which fax machines return to all their 1990s glory, virtually all of the ESPN 150 players sent letters of intent to their schools of choice on National Signing Day. Well, almost all of them. Running back Alex Collins of South Plantation (Fla.) had verbally committed to Arkansas in a televised press conference on Monday and, by all accounts, was planning to make it official on Wednesday. But, as is the case with many high school students’ plans, his mom said no. His mother, Andrea McDonald, refused to sign the papers because she would like him to go Miami so he can come home whenever she needs him.
Angered by his mom’s public betrayal, Collins’ older brother told the Miami Herald that Alex had been holed up in his room. To summarize: a high school student and his mother are fighting about his future and said high school student responds by hiding in his room. Basically Alex Collins is EVERY HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT ON THE PLANET.
In further evidence that high school football stars are, in fact, actual high school students, Collins pulled the classic “if Mom says no, ask Dad” move and got his father to sign the papers on Thursday. We’re glad we won’t be attending that family dinner tonight.
Does this make Joe Flacco Batman?
We’ve heard a number of theories as to why the power went out at the Superdome early in the second half of the Super Bowl. And while we’re partial to the whole thing being a part of Beyonce and the Illumanti’s plan for complete global domination, the gang at College Humor offers a slightly different rationale.
Bane (the “The Dark Knight Rises” villain) admits his role in the blackout . And brings up some very interesting questions while he’s at it. What exactly DOES Danica Patrick have to do with domain names?
This sure beats an alarm clock
By now everyone has seen the video of the trick-shot toddler. But that was so Monday! We’ve moved on to a new favorite baby. Gangnam-style, um, style!