ESPN

I get a lot of requests: "I need some help with my team," "Can you help me get a job at ESPN?" and, of course, "Put your ID away, sir, we know you're legal."

Alternate jokes I considered there: "Stop staring," "You recommended so and so," "Why don't you quit, moron?" and "Seriously, stop staring."

I tend to ignore most of them. But I got a note from Bill Simmons on Thursday that I wanted to take up.

The Sports Guy: We had our last trading deadline for our AL league today.

Huge scandal as the first-place team was basically given Brandon Moss for Jack Hannahan and a second-round reserve pick (the picks after everyone has filled their roster from the auction, totally meaningless). This led to three straight hours of angry emails and message board posts from guys in their 30s who were supposed to be working. High comedy.

Anyway, I argued that Hannahan is having the single worst season by a non-shortstop or non-catcher this decade ... and he's 28. And since he's playing every day, he's a zero-category guy who actually hurts you in OBP or BA, which makes him worse than having a dead guy as your third baseman. This made me think I'd like to see a list of the hitters with the worst fantasy value this season. I am convinced Hannahan is not only No. 1 in 2008 but this decade.

I demand that you settle the Hannahan Debate in your column.

P.S.: it's a keeper league, Moss was $7 and gone after this season, but the $7 makes him valuable because we have a $325 cap and 24 starter spots (expands to $350 and 25 on Sept. 1). Hannahan was $5 and obviously not a keeper unless it was a Bizarro League.

First, I was thrilled to finally get a note from Bill that didn't include him reminding me that my Lakers got waxed by his rent-a-Celtics. He hides it pretty well, but turns out he's a fairly big Boston fan. Anyways, I thought this was a good question. Is Jack Hannahan the worst non-shortstop or catcher fantasy player of this decade?

Let's look. First, in order to properly gauge him in history we need to use projected stats: Right now, he's on pace to finish the year with a .226 batting average in 484 at bats. He'll wind up with 52 runs scored, seven home runs, 52 RBIs and three steals.

I took into account value -- where a guy was likely drafted or his price in an auction that year -- and at-bats played a factor. Bill is correct -- the more at-bats from a guy with a terrible batting average actually hurts you. So having a negative effect on a team is a big part of this exercise.

OK, so, starting from 2000 on, here's my list of the top five worst offensive fantasy seasons of the past decade (excluding those cut short by major injuries and anyone who played shortstop or catcher).

5. Vinny Castilla, 2000, Devil Rays: OK, folks expected a dropoff when he left Coors, but not like this: After hitting .275 with 33 homers and 102 RBIs for Colorado the previous year, Castilla hit just .221 with six homers and 42 RBIs in 331 at-bats for Tampa Bay. If only they'd dropped the "Devil" sooner.

4. David Bell, 2005, Phillies: Coming off a 20-homer season, Bell was never known for a high batting average. But you figured he would at least hit above the Mendoza Line. But 297 at-bats later, you were wrong. A .197 average and only four home runs, 37 RBIs and 32 runs scored with, naturally, zero steals.

3. Peter Bergeron, 2001, Expos: Man, how folks loved Bergeron as a fantasy sleeper. I was one of them. Until that season, when he had 375 at-bats of a .211 batting average. He did manage to steal 10 bases, but only three home runs, 16 RBIs and 53 runs scored were pretty brutal for anyone, especially a leadoff hitter who was always compared to Brett Butler. (The Dodger, not the crazy comedian.)

2. Steve Finley, 2005, Dodgers: Wow, 2005 was a well-represented season. Coming off a resurgent year in which he hit 36 home runs, Finley managed only 12 the next season while still getting an astounding 406 at-bats despite a brutal .222 batting average. He had 41 runs scored, 54 RBIs and eight steals, but a lot of folks liked him that season. Well, at the beginning of the season. Afterwards? Not so much.

But after combining draft position, expectations and production, it gives me great pleasure to award the worst Offensive Fantasy Player (non SS, C or major injury) of the past decade to …

Mike Lowell, 2005, Marlins: Now a member of Bill's beloved Red Sox, Lowell was coming off three straight seasons of 20 plus home runs when he hit .236 in 500, yes, 500 at-bats. Only eight home runs, 56 RBIs, 56 runs and four steals. Just a horrific return on your investment.

OK, so Hannahan's not the worst this decade. What about this season? And I still say no.

Hannahan's numbers as of Friday: a .226 average with five home runs, 36 RBIs, 36 runs scored and two steals in 332 at-bats. Bad, but not as bad as my nominee, Andruw Jones of the Dodgers. A .164 average in 201 at-bats, Jones has only three home runs and 14 RBIs this season. He has 21 runs scored and no steals. Yes, he missed time due to injury, but the deciding factor to me here is that Jones was actually drafted in leagues. (And, um, might have been recommended by a certain fantasy analyst as being due for a bounce-back year. Yeesh.)

Always looking for that extra piece of fantasy insight? We've got you covered. ESPN Fantasy experts Matthew Berry and Nate Ravitz provide you with all the fantasy strategy you'll need: Listen to the Fantasy Focus Podcast

Fantasy sports is all about value. And Hannahan didn't cost as much, either in trade or on draft day, as Jones did. I will say than Hannahan does win the award in AL-only leagues, beating out Jose Vidro, who is so bad that the Mariners released him. You know how terrible you have to be for the Mariners to say "go away"? And he still had more home runs, RBIs and a higher average in fewer at-bats this season than Hannahan.

All that said, Bill, while I appreciate your sentiments about the trade (As Bill posted on the league's message board "You should have just announced, 'I'm trading my second reserve pick and the bowel movement I had this morning for Brandon Moss.'") I have to say … Good for the guy. Rip-off trades are part of the game. It takes two to tango and the art of negotiation is a skill just as important as player evaluation. No one yelled when Mitch Kupchak got Pau Gasol for a bag of magic beans. The guy getting Hannahan paid his money, he gets to coach his team how he wants. Even if that means dealing for Hannahan. You guys shouldn't be mad at the trade but mad at yourself for not getting to this guy first.

By the way, our own AJ Mass deals with the scenarios and many others just like it in his terrific weekly column The Commish's Court. Check it out. And as the ESPN trade deadline passes on Friday, the way to improve your team is going to be through the waiver wire. So if you have a Jack Hannahan on YOUR team, maybe you can find a replacement here …

A fairly light week other than closers (as you'll see), but here are some players who have recently seen an increase in value and might be available in your league. ESPN standard league ownership percentages in parentheses.

Ty Wigginton, 2B/3B, Astros (17 percent): Nothing interesting or sexy here, just boring production. With three home runs, seven RBIs and a .409 average over his past eight games, he's getting hot.

Jesus Flores, C, Nationals (7 percent): Quietly having a nice little season and is a top-five fantasy catcher over the past month. Since the All-Star break, Flores has three home runs and 14 RBIs with a .296 average in 16 games.

Frank Thomas, DH, A's (12 percent): Traditionally a big second-half guy (career .304 hitter), the Big Hurt has four home runs and 16 RBIs in 32 games with the A's this season while hitting .287. He's struggled recently, but I expect him to turn it on soon.

Lastings Milledge, OF, Nationals (30 percent): Four home runs, nine RBIs, a steal and a .325 average in his past 10 games, Milledge is finally healthy and hitting in the middle of the lineup.

Clayton Kershaw, P, Dodgers (23 percent): Hard to recommend a pitcher in this section because guys that I've mentioned previously like Jeremy Guthrie and Jorge Campillo are still available. But it's worth noting that Kershaw is 2-0 with a 0.47 ERA in his past three starts. That's not a typo. He has 15 strikeouts and six walks over 19 innings against such teams as the Cardinals and Diamondbacks. Oh, and I'm not buying Jeff Karstens yet. In case you were wondering why he isn't listed.

Pedro Martinez, P, Mets (35 percent): No, he's no longer "Pedro," but that doesn't mean he can't be useful. He has a 3.05 ERA over his past 20 2/3 innings with 17 strikeouts.

Because the intro was so long and I want to rank all the pseudo-closers here, I'll just quickly give you a paragraph of random thoughts …

I'm not listing Adam Wainwright anywhere else in this column, but he's coming back soon and will be great for you whether he starts or closes. He needs to be owned in every league. … Wladimir Balentien and Jeremy Reed are interesting guys on the Mariners for those in deep leagues, as is Luis Montanez of the Orioles. … I want no part of the returning Brad Penny. … Here's a weird little stat for you: At home this season, San Diego's Cha Seung Baek is 0-5 with a 6.96 ERA. But on the road, he is 4-0 with a 2.81 ERA. He also has a 24 strikeouts and just seven walks in 32 innings away from Petco.

For a more detailed look at closers and closing options, check out Tristan Cockroft's Relief Efforts from Wednesday.

In the meantime, here's how I rank the closers and pseudo-closers:

1. Eddie Guardado, P, Rangers (90 percent): Has done it before and has most "security."
2. Rafael Perez, P, Indians (34 percent): Masa Kobayashi has an ERA over 13 during his past seven appearances. Just saying.
3. Fernando Rodney, P, Tigers (24 percent): Four scoreless innings in a row now and his save on Thursday put him in the lead for "least crappy Tigers guy" right now.
4. Matt Capps, P, Pirates (73 percent): Already rehabbing. He'll have the gig back in a week and a half.
5. Chris Perez, P, Cardinals (8 percent): Even with the Wainwright news, I put him here because he can actually pitch, regardless of role. In other words, he won't hurt you elsewhere if you pick him and throw in there. Perez has 46 saves over the past two years in the minors.
6. Eddie Kunz, P, Mets (13 percent): Slightly ahead of Aaron Heilman and Duaner Sanchez (in that order) in the Mets bullpen, he did have 27 saves for Double-A Binghamton this year.

Others receiving votes: If you're still desperate and scrounging, it's worth noting that J.J. Putz has been pretty bad lately and Brandon Morrow is a starter in Triple-A now. Maybe Mark Lowe gets another shot? Takashi Saito (44 percent) has started playing catch as well.

See you guys next week.

Matthew Berry -- The Talented Mr. Roto -- is ESPN's senior director of fantasy. He was just as surprised as you to find out it's a real job. He is a multiple award winner from the Fantasy Sports Writers Association, including a Writer of the Year award. He is also the creator of RotoPass.com, a Web site that combines a bunch of well known fantasy sites, including ESPN Insider, for one low price.

Cyberstalk the TMR | Be his Cyberfriend