Are You For Real? Moore, Obomanu, Testaverde
Creatures on the prowl tonight
Features fair and foul tonight
They'll meet you there to howl tonight
At Disney's Halloween Treat
-- Theme song to 1982's Disney's "Halloween Treat"
Call us company men if you must, but Disney's "Halloween Treat" holds a special place in the animated hearts of Hector and Victor. You see, back in 1982, Hector and Victor made our small-screen debuts with cameos in the opening montage. If you look closely at the white ghosts flying out of the graves, you'll see a young Hec and Vic twisting and turning in the air. That was our one and only dalliance with fame.
So why do we bring this up? Besides the timely Halloween theme? Because this week, we have three players who can easily be compared to Halloween costumes. And since we are not women, who -- for whatever reason --- soundly refuse to tell people who they are going to be for Halloween this year, Hector and Victor wanted to give you a quick guide to making your own NFL Breakout Player costume. So get out scissors, some glue, and make sure those of you under the age of 18 get your parents' permission. And follow us to the land of arts and crafts
• One (1) New Orleans Saints jersey, which you earned after toiling in obscurity for two seasons.
• One (1) Toledo football T-shirt to wear under your costume.
• One (1) roll of paper towels.
• One (1) magic marker .
• Don a New Orleans Saints jersey
• Take the roll of paper towels and the magic marker. With the marker, write "Devery Henderson's starting" on it. You now have Devery Henderson's starting roll! Congratulations! Wear your Saints jersey with pride and be the envy of all your neighbors and friends.
So you have a costume now, Lance Moore, but we would be more clueless than a camper who wanders into the woods late at night after hearing the sounds of footsteps outdoors if we didn't ask: Are you for real?
Hector: I can think of few things as scary as the start to the Saints' 2007 season. It's truly something out of a Stephen King novel. And while Marques Colston has done just enough to prove his rookie year was not a fluke, Devery Henderson has been a bigger dog than Cujo. All of the people who look at the box scores and see the stats are going to jump all over David Patten. They'll think he is the key for the Saints as they take their first steps on the journey from the "Pet Sematary," back from the dead on their march back into playoff contention. But Drew Brees likes Moore a whole lot more, and eventually, he'll be the one giving secondaries the bigger nightmares.
Victor: I like the idea of Lance Moore, to a degree. But it's more of a domino effect idea for me than anything else. With Deuce McAllister gone, Reggie Bush has to become more of a tailback (as opposed to the tailback/flanker role he had when Deuce was healthy), so Brees is basically forced to spread the ball around to some new names. Moore got his chance from hard work, not an injury to a wide receiver, so I feel safe adding him to my team. Also, um boo!
• One (1) broken tree limb.
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• One (1) bat, to swing at anyone who makes low-brow jokes comparing your last name to Barack Obama's. Or anyone who continues your name with "Ginobili."
• Don the shiny new Seahawks jersey.
• Hold the broken limb in your hand and tell everyone you are here because of this injured Branch.
• Plug your nose as you make that pun.
• Be sure to carry a printout of the Week 6 Hector and Victor projection stating you'd have 62 yards and a touchdown (you had 72 and a touchdown).
We actually had a feeling you'd be for real, but we want to elaborate on why we felt that way. So commit an immoral act, get knocked unconscious by a cancer patient with a serious grudge, unwittingly get yourself trapped in a rusty device with sharp objects and a ticking timer, and sit back as we ponder, Ben Obomanu Are You For Real?
Hector: We've been sitting up at night, staring under our beds, waiting for the Obomanu to get us. Much like the legendary boogeymen, Matt Hasselbeck has been throwing the ball to nameless, shapeless receivers all season since Deion Branch and D.J. Hackett have been out. So what if his route-running skills are not refined? So what if he might soon disappear back into Mike Holmgren's closet, never to return? Once you've set your eyes upon the Obomanu, there's no going back. You'll know he's for real and you'll be unable to sleep at nights waiting, in terror, for his return.
Victor: If you say his name three times while looking into a mirror, he'll appear on your fantasy team and kill it! I don't think Obomanu has the staying power of Lance Moore, only because Hackett and Branch aren't out for the season, and there are so many more unknown names out there from which to choose (like Moore, or the Rams' Marques Hagans). If you're thinking short-term, he could prove to be a decent pickup, but if you're looking to sign him up all the way through "The New Nightmare," you may be feeling a little disappointed.
• One (1) cell phone, with real-time injury reports and a constant update of Stephania Bell's Injury blog (quarterbacks only) on display.
• One (1) white jersey, with stick-on letters that can spell out any name in the NFL.
• One (1) vinyl LP each of albums by Guster and P.M. Dawn.
• Check the paper on Halloween morning to see which team Vinny is playing for. Today it is Carolina; by then, it could be Arizona.
• Apply lettering and team name to jersey.
• Hold the LPs up at every house you visit, and tell them you hold obscure records (most consecutive years with a touchdown pass, oldest quarterback to win an NFL game).
Voila! You are now Vinny Testaverde, without all the obvious "grey wig" and "cane" jokes. Still, as entertaining (and lady-attracting) as it may be to hold up a P.M. Dawn LP on Halloween, Hector and Victor would be up the river without anyone to make us squeal like a pig if we didn't ask Vinny, "Sei vero?" ("Are You For Real?" in Italian).
Hector: When I was 8 years old, my father bought us a huge tub of candy corn for Halloween. We ate some, and it was delicious. But after a while, we got sick of it. We had barely made a dent in the tub when we stuffed it in the back of the pantry and forgot about it until the next year, when we pulled it back out, had a little more and then returned the tub to its home behind the cans of Campbell's Cheddar Cheese Soup that we had purchased by mistake thinking it was Chicken Noodle because of the "Ch". Year after year, the tub got less and less full, but when I left for college, it still had a few handfuls left. And it still tasted pretty much the same. That's Vinny Testaverde. Tasty for a day or two, then we shove what little is left back into the pantry. If there was no bye week for the Panthers, we'd probably grab another handful for old time's sake, but as it is, I think David Carr may have just eaten the last piece of candy corn.
Victor: There's an old-school horror director from Italy named Dario Argento. He's kind of lived on the fringe of mainstream for many years; readers of "Fangoria" know who he is, but the casual horror movie fan may not. Vinny Testaverde has pretty much become Dario Argento. You may threaten to pick up his film every Halloween, but you tend to go for the devil you know ("Hellraiser 2," Brian Griese) instead. Testaverde's problem is that he's not really a breakout candidate. Throw away the fact that David Carr will most likely take the quarterback job back and you still have Vinny Testaverde, 43-year-old quarterback who will not break out for a long run and probably will hover around the 200-yard mark with one or two touchdowns and one or two interceptions. Every week. It's just not as much fun. Especially with subtitles.
Hector: That's all for this week, kids. Stay safe. Wear white. And stay away from Vic's house: He eats all the chocolate he buys himself and is left giving out pennies and raisins.
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