Berry: Love/Hate for Week 1
When I got to the Worldwide Leader, I was told I was allowed to have subscriptions to three magazines. One of the ones I chose was "Us Weekly" and it was precisely for headlines like this one from the Aug. 20 edition:
My Twisted Night with Brit: Topless, drunk and lonely, Spears seduces a college student in a hotel pool as Kevin rushes to save his boys.
Five quick thoughts about this headline, which might be as great a headline as I've ever seen:
- I appreciate the detail, but can we all agree that the word "seduce" is redundant. Once you have "college student" and "topless, drunk and lonely" can't we all do the math?
- Why the insinuation that the loneliness is related to her being drunk and topless? Why couldn't someone just be lonely, and then also drunk and topless? Why must the drunk go with an emotional state instead of a state of undress?
- That's not a twisted night my friends, that's a great night. Or, if you are Britney Spears, it's a Wednesday.
- Here's how fantastic this headline is: If you saw this headline as a rental choice in your hotel, you'd probably plunk down the seven bucks.
- Somehow, K-Fed has exceeded expectations and is now the respectable one.
And that's what this column is all about. Expectations. Specifically, expectations for players going into Week 1 of the NFL season. I've done this column for five years now and it's the most popular thing I write. Which speaks to how good it is. Or, more than likely, the poor quality of everything else I write.
Basically, players I love this week are guys I think exceed certain statistical benchmarks. Guys I hate I feel will fall short. It's that simple.
Those benchmarks are 225 yards and two touchdowns for quarterbacks (or 17 fantasy points in ESPN standard scoring); 100 yards or a touchdown plus 40 yards rushing and receiving (or 10 points) for running backs and wide receivers; 60 yards or a touchdown for tight ends; and eight points for kickers and defenses.
It's basically just my twist on a start 'em, sit 'em column. Everyone in the universe has one of these and while they are a necessary evil, they all sort of run together. So, that's a way of saying that what I do is sometimes give a stat and sometimes I just make a joke. But trust that I've done the research. Or don't. You'll see.
Oh, one last thing. I don't use obvious names that you'll be starting no matter what, like Peyton Manning, or guys you would never start in a million years, like Kelley Washington.
Every Colt and Saint you can find: Looking forward to the game, not looking forward to the inevitable "Archie Manning pride of the Saints, but his son is the QB and remember his other son is a QB and isn't this a great family and is Archie torn?" piece. I'm a little over the Manning family, you know?
Alge Crumpler, TE, Falcons: If you're gonna beat the Vikings, it won't be with the run.
Chester Taylor, RB, Vikings: All we've heard about in the preseason is Adrian Peterson. That changes after this game.
DeShaun Foster, RB, Panthers: Last year, no team gave up more rushing touchdowns than the Rams.
Isaac Bruce, WR, Rams: Two first names. Always a crowd pleaser. Unlike this joke.
Travis Henry, RB, Broncos: Think he's pumped to be back in Buffalo? Me too.
Damon Huard, QB, Chiefs: If you're gonna go down, go down in blaze of glory. Super Rock God Jon Bon Jovi taught me that.
Jacoby Jones, WR, Texans: When I was younger, I'm pretty sure I had a pizza party at Jacoby Jones. (I decided I would rather take heat for reusing a joke I liked than think of a new one.)
Ahman Green, Andre Johnson and Matt Schaub, Texans: Well I'll be damned. I'm a Texans fan this year.
Ladell Betts, RB, Redskins: Bet on Betts! (Ah, yes, there you are, old friend. The overly used, obvious pun. Friend to TMR you are, yes.)
Chris Cooley, TE, Redskins: Playing Cooley is Cool! (Ah, yes, I see tired pun brought his kid brother, bland alliteration.)
David Martin, TE, Dolphins: See Bruce, Isaac.
Tom Brady, QB, Patriots: Now playing for two.
Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis, WRs, Eagles: I'll tell you what's brotherly love. The Packers' secondary if you own one of these guys.
Brandon Jackson, RB, Packers: The Eagles gave up over 130 yards a game on the ground last year.
Every Steeler you can find: You know who is not good? Cleveland is not good.
Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor, RBs, Jaguars: The long Titans season begins Sunday.
Josh McCown, LaMont Jordan and Ronald Curry, Raiders: Let's hear it for your 2007 Oakland Raiders!
Carnell Williams, RB, Buccaneers: If nothing else, I need a new reason to renew my hate.
Marion Barber III and Julius Jones, RBs, Cowboys: N-n-n-n-nineteen. The Giants gave up 19 rushing touchdowns last year.
Mark Clayton and Todd Heap, Ravens: Are you ready for some football? Some "Monday Night Football"? Against a team that has no secondary?
All Cardinals and 49ers: And yes, that includes Edgerrin James. Sigh.
Warrick Dunn and Jerious Norwood, RBs, Falcons: Vikings were No. 1 against the run last year.
Jay Cutler, QB, Broncos: I'm actually very high on Cutler this year, but don't like the matchup against the Bills, who are better against the pass than you think, and I expect Mike Shanahan to run Henry quite a bit.
Trent Green, QB, Dolphins: I hear what you are saying. TMR, you say, how is hating Trent Green this week any different from normal hate of Trent Green? To which I say: Because it's a new uniform. I've never hated him in teal before!
Thomas Jones, RB, Jets: Make no mistake, I really like Jones this year. I just think he's banged up a bit, the Patriots are really good against the run (even without Richard Seymour and Rodney Harrison) and I bet they tell the Jets to try to beat them through the air.
Chad Pennington, QB, Jets: That said, I'm not all that crazy about Chad either.
Brett Favre, QB, Packers: For once, the postgame news conference tears will be about his performance.
Pick a Brown, any Brown: See: Steelers, every one you can find.
Vince Young, QB, Titans: In his first game against the Jaguars last year, he had only 163 yards passing and three interceptions. In his second game? Only 85 yards passing and he had only one touchdown in the two games combined.
The rest of the Titans: As Vince goes, so go the Titans.
Cedric Benson, RB, Bears: I hate him, period. And playing the Chargers doesn't help.
Rex Grossman and Bernard Berrian, Bears: Yeah, this is not a good matchup.
Philip Rivers and Vincent Jackson, Chargers: You gotta start LT and Gates, but I don't see a lot of scoring in this one.
Tatum Bell and T.J. Duckett, RBs, Lions: In other news, the sun came up this morning.
Shaun Alexander, RB, Seahawks: You gotta start him if you have him, of course, but I don't think he has a great game against a better-than-you-think Bucs run defense. Avoid him in salary-cap games.
Eli Manning, QB, Giants: In fairness to Tiki, he owned Eli on his fantasy team last year.
And there you go. Love/hate for Week 1. We'll be up every Thursday during the regular season. Good luck this year!
