Updated: November 6, 2007, 3:12 PM ET
A bunch of stuff that happened on the PGA Tour in '07
Yup, this is another one of those columns. You know, the kind of smarmy, know-it-all season review that labels each item that occurred during the year with a specific award to note its consequence.
The good news, dear reader? I'm not narcissistic enough to call 'em the Sobies, nor cheesy enough to call 'em the Golfies. So let's steal a page from legendary golfer Homer J. Simpson (hey, he did wear Tom Kite's spikes) when summarizing this piece: "It's just a bunch of stuff that happened." With the 2007 PGA Tour season in the books, here are a few traditional and, uh, not-so-traditional accolades: The Player of the Year Award is presented to the player who had the best season (duh!). And the nominees are … • Tiger Woods. For winning seven events, including the PGA Championship, and $10,867,052 in only 16 starts this season.• Tiger Woods. For winning the first-ever FedEx Cup Championship, including victories at two of the four playoff events.
• Tiger Woods. Just for being, you know, Tiger Woods.
And the winner is …
Tiger Woods. Didn't see that one coming, did you?
The POYNT Award (Player of the Year, Not Tiger) is presented to the player not named Tiger (or Eldrick) who boasted the best season. And the nominees are … • Phil Mickelson. He didn't claim a major, but Lefty did win the Players and two other titles, all while undergoing swing changes.
• Zach Johnson. His breakout season featured a fearless march through Augusta National en route to the green jacket.
• Nobody. In order to be the best, you have to beat the best. And the winner is … Nobody. Until the PGA Tour starts excluding certain No. 1-ranked players from its postseason awards, there should be no trophy for a runner-up finish, even in a make-believe award land such as this. But there is consolation for Mickelson and Johnson. Although neither wins the award, each will receive this t-shirt as a, uh, second prize.
The Best YouTube Moment Award is presented to the video clip that never gets old, no matter how many times you keep clicking. And the nominees are … • Woody Austin. Trying to blast a submerged ball onto the green at the Presidents Cup, Austin fell backward into the water hazard. The good news? He forever erased the clip of him repeatedly hitting himself in the head with his putter as the top Woody Austin video on the Internet.
• Sergio Garcia. After missing a short putt on the 13th hole at Doral, Garcia expectorated into the hole. On second thought, maybe this should be up for Worst YouTube Moment instead.
• Ian Woosnam. Yeah, I know. This clip was from last year's Ryder Cup, so technically it's not in the running. But if you can watch it without having to wipe any laughter-induced spittle from your computer monitor, I'll buy you a Guinness.
And the winner is …
Woody Austin. Dude swung. Fell backward. Into the water. Once this happened, everyone else was just playing for second place. Congrats, Aquaman.
The Invisible Man Award is presented to the least recognizable PGA Tour champion of 2007. And the nominees are … • Mark Wilson. Great story. Longtime journeyman pro finally battles his way to the winner's circle at the Honda Classic, even assessing himself a 2-stroke penalty along the way after hearing his caddie offer up club selection advice to a playing partner. Let's just say the Monday morning playoff finish didn't help his Q rating much, though.
• Brian Bateman. During his win at the Buick Open, we learned that Bateman loves to cook. But if this guy walked into your kitchen right now, would you have any idea who he is?
• George McNeill. It made for nice "Long Shot Pays Out in Vegas" headlines when last year's Q-school medalist won the Frys.com Open last month. An even bigger long shot? That anyone in Vegas actually noticed. And the winner is …
Brian Bateman. True story: During the Tour Championship, a half-dozen golf writers were eating lunch together (yeah, big surprise, I know) and someone mentioned the Buick Open. When one of them asked, "Who won that tourney this year?" it took five minutes and a handful of, "Uh, Tiger?" guesses before the correct answer could be given. And this was only two months removed from the event.
The Milk Carton Award is presented to the player who had a surprisingly solid season … whether anyone noticed or not. And the nominees are … • John Rollins. He had two runner-up finishes, four top-10s and 13 top-25s in 29 total starts, finishing 24th on the money list.
• Brett Wetterich. One year after making a meteoric leap that led to inclusion on the Ryder Cup team, he was edged out of two wins only because of big names at Doral and TPC-Boston.
• Heath Slocum. The two-time champ has become the least-known member of the Milton Mafia, with buddies Boo and Bubba getting most of the ink. But Slocum had six top-10s of his own, jumping into the top 30 on the money list last week.
And the winner is …
John Rollins. Money talks, and Rollins' cash-made-per-exposure-given rate could be the lowest on tour.
The David Duval Award is presented to the player with a recognizable face but undistinguishable game. • Todd Hamilton. In 28 starts, the former British Open champ had a top finish of T-37, but at least he can take heart in the fact that his mentee, fellow U. of Oklahoma product Anthony Kim, looks like the real deal.
• John Daly. The man you love to love had almost as many WDs (six) as made cuts (nine), finishing 188th on the money list.
• Craig Perks. Oh, poor Craig Perks. The guy who shocked the golf world by winning the 2002 Players didn't make a single cut this season. He was inside the number at Disney last week but played his final five holes Friday in 3-over and missed the weekend once again.
And the winner is …
John Daly. Do the words "wasted talent" mean anything? We all know the dude can hit the ball a country mile, and if you ask any PGA Tour vet, he'll tell you Daly has one of the best short games around. So why the poor results? Everyone claims it's his unstable home life and lack of work ethic. Who am I to argue?
The America's Next Top Golfer Award is presented to the young U.S. player who showed the most growth during the season. And the nominees are … • Nick Watney. The Fresno kid won the Zurich Classic in April … then didn't card another top-10 until the final week of the season. Still, he took a big step toward stardom in the Big Easy.
• Hunter Mahan. Passionate and fiery on the course, shy and aloof off of it, Mahan won the Travelers in a playoff and was named to the Presidents Cup squad. He'll be a U.S. international team regular for the next decade.
• Sean O'Hair. We all remember the two balls he rinsed at 17 in the final round of the Players, but you have to like the moxie of a guy who wants to aim at the flagstick with a tourney title on the line.
And the winner is …
Hunter Mahan. He has been a dominating presence at every level in which he has played -- from AJGA through college -- and now he's coming into his own in the big leagues, too.
The WhAcKeD oUt StAt Award is presented to the player who posted the most head-scratching numbers. And the nominees are … • Jeff Gove. After leading the tour in greens in regulation for much of the season, he finished third behind Woods and John Senden at 70.17 percent. Yet Gove still needed a T-15 finish in the final week just to squeak into the top 150.
• Ernie Els. If the seasons of top players were judged by more than wins alone, Els would have owned a solid campaign. Although he never found the victory circle on this side of the pond, he finished second on tour in scoring average at 69.29 (a stroke-and-a-half behind Woods).
• Davis Love III. Talk all you'd like about injuries and age catching up to DL3, who finished 96th on the money list. But the truth is, nobody's gonna win much cash as the 195th-ranked putter out of 196.
And the winner is …
Davis Love III. Am I wrong, or did this guy used to be one of the better rock-rollers on tour?
The Here's What I Really Think About The FedEx Cup Award is presented to the player who showed his true colors when asked about the PGA Tour's inaugural playoff format. And the nominees are … • Vijay Singh. "There's so much going on about FedEx Cup," he said after the very first round of the very first tournament of the season, the Mercedes-Benz Championship. "I'm tired of listening to it, you know? It's nothing else but the FedEx Cup."
• Boo Weekley. "I don't know nothing about the FedEx Cup," he said, although it more spoke to his down-home demeanor than sounded like a disparaging remark about the system. "I never was good at math."
• Tiger Woods. He didn't have to say anything. His actions spoke volumes. After a season-long promotional campaign titled, "Never Been Kissed," and despite being prompted by commissioner Tim Finchem after his win at the Tour Championship, Woods still has yet to smooch the oversized trophy. Well, in public, at least. And the winner is … Tiger Woods. Like the guy doesn't have enough hardware already? Now he wins an award for his role in winning another award. Don't worry, Tiger. Budget constraints -- or maybe just a lack of motivation -- prevent us from sending an actual trophy, so no need to dis the kiss this time around.
The Most Appropriate Gift Award is presented to those who presented others with a gift from the heart. And the nominees are … • Barbara Nicklaus and the Presidents Cup WAGs. After Austin took a tumble into the water, Jack's wife led the charge by purchasing scuba goggles and snorkel for the newly dubbed Aquaman.
• The Mickelson family. A longtime pingpong rival of Tiger, Phil and his fam gave the Woods clan a miniature table and paddles for daughter Sam when she was born.
• Rich Beem. There's a good chance you remember Beem's third-round ace at the Nissan Open, which resulted in a prize of -- what else? -- a free Nissan. Rather than keeping it, Beem held his own lottery, putting the names of his caddie Billy Heim, his mother, his mother-in-law, the maid, a charity and a cash option all into a hat, from which his 20-month-old daughter chose a winner. It was only fitting that the guy who pulled the club also pulled the Altima coupe. And the winner is … Barbara Nicklaus and the Presidents Cup WAGs. Truth be told, the gag gifts for Austin might not have been their best prank of the week. They reportedly gave Mahan, the only player on the team without a significant other, a blow-up doll to accompany him to team meals during the event.
The Biggest Loser Award is presented to the 2007 tournament champion who best helps make the case for those who believe golf is not a sport. And the nominees are … • Angel Cabrera. While a certain player wearing what appeared to be red body paint applied to his chiseled torso chased Cabrera on the U.S. Open leaderboard, the burly Argentine simply chain-smoked his way to victory.
• Mark Calcavecchia. One of the tour's best quotes was emotional after winning the PODS Championship. Later in the year, he was just plain hilarious, discussing Woods' need for rest before the Tour Championship. "Tiger is tired after two weeks," he said. "I've got him by 80 pounds and 17 years. How do you think I'm doing after eight out of nine? He could run from here to downtown. I couldn't run out of a burning house."
• Charley Hoffman. At 6 feet, 200 pounds, the Bob Hope Classic champion isn't nearly as beefy as his competitors in this category, but he isn't exactly a Ben Hogan doppelganger, either. With floppy blond hair flowing from beneath his cap, Hoffman more closely resembles Harry Dunne than a topflight golfer.
And the winner is …
Angel Cabrera. His magical run through Oakmont even led to some (apparently) serious discussions among pundits about whether nicotine is a performance-enhancing drug in golf because of its calming effects. Silly debate. If it gave any edge at all, every player would be puffing away.
The Foot In Mouth Award is presented to the player who either spoke without thinking or -- even worse, considering the comments -- spoke after thinking. And the nominees are … • Rory Sabbatini. After playing in the final pairing with Woods at Wachovia -- and losing -- Sabbatini said, "He struggled out there. He had to battle for that win. And I think that made me realize, you know, he is, I'd say, as beatable as ever."
• Woody Austin. Ripping a page from Sabbatini's book, Austin said of Woods' record-tying second-round 63 at the PGA Championship, "I went over his round and over my round, and I outplayed him from tee to green."
• Sergio Garcia. He lost the British Open in a playoff to Padraig Harrington and seemed to blame not himself, not his opponent, but … a higher power? "I should write a book on how to not miss a shot in the playoff and shoot 1-over," he said. "It's not the first time, unfortunately … I'm playing against a lot of guys out there, more than the field."
And the winner is …
Sergio Garcia. Hey, at least Sabbatini and Austin have a point, skewed as it might be. But Garcia's constant whining about not getting any breaks is truly award-winning stuff.
Congratulations to all the winners. Until next time, remember: It's all just a bunch of stuff that happened. Jason Sobel is ESPN.com's golf editor. He can be reached at Jason.Sobel@espn3.com.
