ESPN Golf

This column started in my mind when I saw the first FedEx Cup commercial. I decided I had to write it when I saw that Tiger Woods wouldn't play in the first event, which starts Thursday.

But the first commercial, that's where the lunacy begins. You've seen it. It shows the likes of Palmer and Nicklaus, then today's players, because nothing makes me think Ben Hogan like Adam Scott. History is watching, it breathlessly tells us.

Now, I rarely get angry about anything with sports. But two things make me spit out my ham biscuit in the morning:

1. When golf announcers talk over the caddie, telling us what the player and caddie are talking about when we could actually be hearing them talk about it.

2. When people insult our intelligence by insinuating that tradition can be shortcut with a (not-so) clever ad campaign. Put another way: Don't tell me when something matters. When it matters, I'll know.

This commercial, and everything that followed, tapped into No. 2. My first instinct was to vomit. My second was to suggest that the PGA Tour acquire a new ad agency.

Look, golf is a languid sport. It is one of small, personal glories. It is made for individual events, not season-ending titles. How many people know how a green jacket is won? How many people know how the Vardon Trophy is won? Both were established at about the same time. History has a funny way of deciding on its own what is important.

The majors are the high points in the golf year. There is no drama in sports like Sunday at a major. But there is other drama, too. With each tournament essentially its own play, on any Sunday, Tommy from Byhalia can be the best in the world. That might be the most fun thing about golf, watching some no-name win a tournament named after a lawn mower company, hearing the announcer say, "Tommy has been on tour for 19 years and this is his first win," and seeing Tommy hug his wife and his teenaged kids and weep right there upon sight of a big, tacky golden lawn implement atop an even tackier granite base. That is sports. That is real. That is drama.

Of course, the FedEx Cup doesn't change that. That is not why it's so ridiculous. The ridiculous thing is that the PGA Tour seems to not quite understand what makes golf special. It also seems to actually believe that greatness is simply the result of a marketing campaign and not something that develops over time. There are moments when I wonder where the people come from who run our sports leagues. Watching that commercial was one of those moments. I mean, they looked at those ads, and at the aggressive plan of promotion, high-fived their co-workers and said, "This is a great idea."

The constant barrage has turned the event into a joke, which validates my faith in SportsNation; people were savvy enough to understand that if a league was spending this much time and money overhyping something, then clearly there must be serious issues with its legitimacy.

All year, announcers have talked about it on television -- I can assure you they are required to mention it -- until the public reaction has been one of eye-rolling rather than anticipation. The PGA Tour took its own idea and then, out of insecurity or idiocy, seriously damaged it with a marketing/promotion campaign. History is made on the back nine at Augusta. History is Arnie inching up a fairway. History isn't a points system copied from NASCAR. One day it might be. But it isn't now.

That might be the saddest part. The FedEx Cup could be a very cool idea, but the playoff hasn't had a chance because the tour can't get out of its own way. Imagine if the tour had used the following marketing campaign. How jacked would you be?

(Cut to Tiger Woods on a private jet. He's wearing a flowered shirt. Jimmy Buffett plays in the background. No, wait. This is Tiger. Jimmy Buffett is actually on the plane, singing "Margaritaville" and simultaneously working Tiger's blender.)

BUFFETT: "Would you like salt, Mr. Woods?"
WOODS: "Yes, please. Not too much, though."

(Woods' phone rings. It's commish Tim Finchem. Cut to split screen. Finchem is in an overly formal double-breasted suit behind an aircraft carrier of a desk. Tiger is on a Gulfstream.)

FINCHEM: "Tiger?"
WOODS: "Yes, Tim?"
FINCHEM: "Listen, I know the majors are over and you're heading to some private archipelago."
WOODS: "Yes."
FINCHEM: "Well, we're doing something new to spice up the end of the year. It's a new idea but we're really excited about it. We're offering $10 million. The best players in the world. You guys are competitors. Want some more competition?"

(Tiger smiles and THEN whistles "Eye of the Tiger." Cut to the pilot. It's Arnold Palmer. His wings have Frank the driver cover in the middle.)

PALMER: "This is N1TW requesting a change of course. New destination: Westchester, N.Y. The Barclays."

Then a voice-over. (It's Palmer's voice, with the faint whooshing of jet engines in the background.)

"Coming soon. The FedEx Cup. Golf's newest challenge. Will it be historic? Time will tell. Will it be exciting? You bet your ass."

Now that's a commercial -- or it would be after the professional copywriters got done with it. If that had been the tone -- Historic? Someday. Exciting? Damn straight! -- the golf world might be jazzed about this newest scheme. If they had told the truth, people might have bought it.

Instead, the playoff is set to begin this week and the world's best player isn't there, apparently not that concerned with history watching him, and the players who are there are answering questions about the legitimacy of the event.

There is no magic. Just marketing.

Wright Thompson is a senior writer for ESPN.com and ESPN The Magazine. He can be reached at wrightespn@gmail.com.