ESPN.com - Golf - US OPEN 2003 Columnist

Sunday, June 15

Olympia Fields gets even in a hurry
By Olympia Fields Country Club
(As told to Gene Wojciechowski, ESPN The Magazine)

OLYMPIA FIELDS, Ill. -- Hi, my name is Olympia Fields, the much-maligned site of this year's U.S. Open, and I'd simply like to say, "You can kiss my big, bentgrass butt."

All week long I've had to listen to the critics: My greens are too soft ... My rough is too short ... I'm unmemorable.


	Nick Price was 9-under at one point; when Olympia Fields got done, he was even.

Davis Love III will remember me. He came here as the PGA Tour's leading money winner, but he didn't leave that way. DL3 went 76-75 (that's 11-over par) and didn't come within a 5-wood of making the cut. Same goes for defending PGA champion Rich Beem, who went all AARP numbers on me (74-76).

And don't know if you noticed, but I tricked Tiger, didn't I? The solar system's best player couldn't even break par, which happens about as often as a topless woman making a beeline toward Jim Furyk. It was Woods' worst-ever Open finish as a pro. So take that.

I also left some serious bruise marks on Phil Mickelson. Lefty pulled out of our spacious parking lot with a 9-over-par next to his name. And Vijay Singh, who's only ranked No. 4 in the world, needed mouth-to-club by the time he left here. See what I did to him? I let ol' Veej dive to 9-under Saturday before reeling him in. He bogeyed six of his last nine holes, eight of his last 11, and 12 of his last 21. Maybe Mrs. Singh should have told him to skip me instead of the Colonial.

David Duval couldn't do any better than 10-over. Sergio Garcia finished at 5-over -- and he played well. And sure, Furyk tied the Open record with a four-round total of 272, but he didn't break the thing here, did he?

Look, it wasn't my fault the USGA gave my rough a buzzcut earlier in the week. I was growing the stuff just fine before they decided to fire up the John Deeres. And since when is it my fault that we had more rain in May than Manilla, or that it turned cooler than a pint of Ben & Jerry's in mid-June? I mean, geez, give a green a break.

But like Tiger himself said Sunday, "Not even the USGA can control Mother Nature.''

True, that.

Not memorable, eh? I've got the Sistine Chapel of clock towers. I've got streakers. I've got 10,000 people a day taking the train to my place. When's the last time you saw that?

No, I don't have an Amen Corner, a Hogan's Alley, a Horrible Horseshoe. Golf writers don't need to be revived by ammonium carbonate capsules after seeing the place. Nobody confuses me with Pine Valley. But my three finishing holes kicked a little Tour rear Sunday. Furyk went from 10-under to 8. Masters champ Mike Weir went from 3-under to 1. Nick Price went from 2-under to even. And I'm kind of fond of No. 5, No. 9 and No. 12, too.

"A very fair golf course,'' Tiger said.

"I like it,'' said my new best buddy Kenny Perry, who finished tied for third. "I like golf courses where you're not miserable for 18 holes.''

I'm not out to embarrass you. I don't lift weights like Bethpage Black. I'm no Waterworld. I have exactly one lake and one creek. That's it. You want gimmicks, go see Pete Dye.

And while we're at it, I didn't appreciate all those W.C. Fields cracks, or that you can't spell Olympia Fields without using lymp (get it?). Ask pro Ryan Dillon how easy I was. He can tell you all about his 81-80 on Saturday and Sunday.

Leaderboards don't lie, buddy. You know how many red numbers were on mine by Sunday's end? Four: Furyk (-8), Stephen Leaney (-5), Perry (-1) and Weir (-1). That's only three more than big, bad Bethpage had last year when the USGA stretched the par-4s to the length of a LaGuardia runway and grew the rough higher than sugar cane.

Know how many sub-par finishers you had at Augusta last year? Seventeen. And seven more this year. The PGA Championship at Hazeltine? Eight. The British Open at storied Muirfield? Twenty seven.

Look, if I have to wait another 75 years for a U.S. Open I'll blow my weather warning horn until Furyk grows hair. I've earned another one of these things. So has Chicago.

So whattya say -- kiss and make up?

Gene Wojciechowski is a senior writer at ESPN The Magazine