The crazy, the wacky ...
Mitch Williams is among the nuttier players to ever lace 'em up and put on a big-league uniform.
By Tim KurkjianThey make us laugh, they make us cry, they inform, they entertain and they never, ever tell us they're taking it one game at a time.
They are baseball's characters, and they've been around forever. We haven't, however, so we're picking our top 10 characters only from the last 25 years, meaning there will be no mention of Mark Fidyrch, Bo Belinsky, Casey Stengel, Bill Lee or Duke Sims, who had the distinction of being able to throw up on command.
Mitch Williams: He once said he pitched "like my hair was on fire.'' Indeed. Williams finished his career with more walks (544) than hits allowed (537), which is virtually impossible to do. In his first big-league camp in 1985, Williams threw his first batting practice to Ranger hitters. His first pitch missed the cage, and hit the tire on the side of the cage. Williams said his brother, Bruce, was even wilder than him. "When we were teenagers,'' Williams once said, "mothers from our neighborhood would run into the streets screaming, 'kids, get inside the house quickly, the Williams boys are playing catch!' ''
Earl Weaver: The Orioles' Hall of Fame manager was so funny, so smart, so playful and so rough all at the same time. Many years ago, one of Weaver's outfielders, Pat Kelly, decided that he was going to begin studying for the ministry and stated to Weaver, "Earl, I'm going to walk with the Lord.'' To which, Weaver said, "I'd rather you walked with the bases loaded.''
Andy Van Slyke: The game's best quote for a decade. On fans who throw debris, including coins, at players during a game: "They hate us because we make so much money, then they throw money at us. It doesn't make sense. Throw me your W-2, throw me your electric bill.'' On the official scoring of a play in which the ball hit the helmet, which had fallen off of the runner, Kirk Gibson, ricocheted to the second baseman, who threw to third base for the out. "Score that 7 1/8th-4-5.'' And, in a word association game with a writer in the early '90s, when given the name Fay Vincent, Van Slyke said "Mr. Potato Head.''
Mike Flanagan: In 1980, the most clever player of his generation created the stages of Cy for pitchers. He was Cy Young, Jim Palmer was Cy Old, Steve Stone was Cy Present, Storm Davis was Cy Future, an injured pitcher was Cybex and a washed-up one was Cyonara. In 1987, after being traded to the Blue Jays, Flanagan was given a team rental car, all the new Blue Jay players got one. "This was Phil Niekro's car,'' Flanagan said of the aging pitcher who had just been released. "I found his teeth in the glove compartment.''
Larry Andersen: The funniest man in baseball history. So many stories, always self-deprecating. On his pathetic attempts as a hitter, he said "I believe if I go 2-for-2, I should be hitting 2.000. That's only fair. That way, if I make an out, I'd only drop to 1.500.''
Oil Can Boyd: Funny, emotional, harmless and always in the news. It was The Can who, after a game in Cleveland was postponed due to fog, said "that's what happens when you build a ballpark next to an ocean.'' In spring training one year, Boyd couldn't leave camp without re-paying a video rental store for unreturned films, including several adult movies. In the greatest line of all time, a noted statistician called it, "The Can Film Festival."
Kent Hrbek: The most human baseball player ever, he went to the postseason galas because the beer was free. He was big, funny and marvelous. Upon first meeting the White Sox's diminutive Craig Grebeck, who wore No. 14 as did Hrbek, Hrbek told him "you should put a slash between the 1 and 4 and you'd be 1/4th.'' In retirement, and while sitting around the fire during a camping trip, Van Slyke said Hrbek played a tape recording of his best farts.
Brady Anderson: Always unpredictable, he was told in his rookie year that he had more extra-base hits than any leadoff hitter in the league. "I floss more than any leadoff hitter,'' he said. Upon meeting O.J. Simpson (before being acquitted of murder) for the first time, Anderson said, "O.J., loved you in Towering Inferno.'' In the middle of a season, Anderson was confronted in a restaurant by a guy claiming to be a former high school sprint champion. He challenged Anderson to a race. Anderson, who had played in a big-league game that day, went to the parking lot, took off his shirt, raced the guy three times and, as Anderson said, "blew his doors off.''
Jim Deshaies: A left-hander with a tremendous sense of humor, he was always joking about how terrible a hitter he was. He was from Massena, N.Y., hometown of Otis The Drunk from The Andy Griffith Show. At an Astros game one night, Deshaies was honored before the game by the local chapter of the Andy Griffith Fan Club. "They were all there, a Barney impersonator, Aunt Bea, everyone,'' Deshaies said. "I liked the show, but I couldn't tell you every line from the episode when Ernest T. Bass threw a rock through the window.''
Charlie Hough: One of the best guys, and, on certain days, as wobbly as the pitch he threw. When asked if the new technique of throwing a football before games helped the Rangers pitchers, Hough said "I don't know, but we lead the league in third-down conversions.''
Tim Kurkjian is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine and a regular contributor to Baseball Tonight. E-mail tim.kurkjian@espnmag.com.
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