ESPN The Magazine: Free to be himself
Editor's note: This article appears in the February 26 issue of ESPN The Magazine.
I've called John Amaechi a friend for more than five years, and I can tell you he is brilliant, introspective, complicated, brave, eloquent and generous beyond words. I can't imagine anyone I've met in sports being as qualified for anything as he is to be a spokesman for whatever he is passionate about. But I've never heard him the way I recently did, when the news broke that he is gay a few days before he was prepared for it to break. His breathing, not unlike the decision to come out, was heavy and labored -- as if he'd just finished running wind sprints. Terror -- it is so draining.
"I feel exhausted already," he said. "All this is about to happen, this complete unknown. I like structure. I've planned my entire life to this point. This wasn't in there. I'm in the vehicle, but I'm a passenger now. There is no driver. But I did choose to open the door and get in, and it's the right choice for a number of reasons. I'm sure that will become plain soon."
It just wasn't plain in the moment. What's the saying? Courage isn't the absence of fear but the ability to overcome it? Amaechi has never been so scared, which says plenty. Consider: When asked if he ever felt free in the NBA, he said, "Never. Just lonely and isolated and afraid." The biggest relief in his career? When he got the call that it was over. He felt, in his words, "the deepest and most profound of sighs -- every muscle in my body relaxing at once."
The mantle -- as the first openly gay NBA player -- fits him. In two decades in journalism, he's the smartest athlete I've known. He's an activist and a scholar and qualified to be a therapist. Amaechi wants to go on O'Reilly. I can't wait to see that.
There aren't many barriers left to break in sports. The only way an athlete can be Jackie Robinson today is by being an active male player in a team sport who is gay. Amaechi considered coming out during his playing days, but feared losing everything, from his livelihood to the respect of his teammates to his profoundly important work with children.
"The person who does it while he's active is going to have to be a quality player with a long-term contract," Amaechi said. "I left my dying mother, my home and everything I knew to pursue this highly unlikely career, and I couldn't risk all that by coming out during it. In six years, I went from fat bookworm to the NBA. People are going to try to diminish this by saying, 'He wasn't any good. Why should I listen to him?' But I was there, in the league. Somebody has to do this first and properly, and I'm going to attempt to do that. It's what any principled person of conscience would do when they're confident and ready."
Fear notwithstanding, Amaechi is all that -- confident, principled, a man of conscience. He turned down the chance to play with Shaq and Kobe and a six-year, $17 million contract (read: lifetime security) because staying for far less money with the Orlando team that discovered him was the right thing to do.
I talked to him again 12 hours after that initial fright, and he sounded confident, stronger, ready. Like himself, in other words.
"I'm back!" Amaechi kept saying, breathing so much easier.
John Amaechi's book "Man in the Middle" (ESPN Books) is now available at Amazon.com.
MORE NBA HEADLINES
- Sources: Woodson 'bracing' for the worst
- D'Antoni meets with Lakers brass, job intact
- Silver: Making NBA age limit 20 top priority
- Kupchak says Kobe, Lakers on same page
MOST SENT STORIES ON ESPN.COM
AMAECHI COMES OUT
ESPN THE MAGAZINE
• Amaechi book excerpt
• Le Batard: Amaechi set free
• 'I underestimated America'
• Amaechi in whirlwind
• Mavs owner: Amaechi a hero
• Weekend Dime: Hot topic
• Billy Bean: Thank you
• NBA Local: Player reaction
• NBA Local 2: More reaction
• Hardaway lashes out