Commentary

A 'South Park' comedy of errors

Originally Published: November 10, 2010
By Mark Schlabach | ESPN.com

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The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:


"I can't die.
I've experienced death countless times.
Sometimes, I see a bright light.
Sometimes, I see heaven or hell.
But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed wearing my same old clothes.
The worst part? No one even remembers me dying."


-- Kenny, in "South Park"

Former Colorado coach Dan Hawkins probably felt like South Park's oft-whacked character on many Sunday mornings.

Hawkins' five-year tenure in Boulder opened with a 19-10 loss to FCS foe Montana State in the 2006 opener. It ended when he was fired on Tuesday, three days after the Buffaloes blew a 28-point lead in the fourth quarter of a 52-45 loss to Kansas, the biggest collapse in the 121-year history of the program. Hawkins had a 19-39 record at Colorado.

Sadly, "Hawk Love" never made its way onto "South Park," which was created by Colorado alumni Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

At least Hawkins ends his Colorado career in the Bottom 10, along with nine other comical teams. There will be plenty of humor in this week's Pillow Fight of the Week, which pits Wyoming against UNLV in Las Vegas.

With apologies to "South Park" and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10:

ESPN.com's Bottom 10
  RANK TEAM '10 RECORD COMMENT
1. Akron 0-10 "Kenny:" Like the poor mute who was killed in every episode, the Zips have been eliminated in every one of their games in 2010.
2. Western Kentucky 1-8 "Stan:" Stan frequently puked on his girlfriend, Wendy. The Hilltoppers have probably vomited more than a few times while losing 28 of their last 29 games.
3. Memphis 1-8 "Kyle:" At this point, the Tigers might want to cross-breed an elephant with a pot-bellied pig to correct their deficiencies, just like Kyle did.
4. UNLV 1-8 "Tweek Tweak:" The Rebels played like jittery, caffeine-addicted elementary students in last week's 55-7 loss at BYU, where there wasn't a cup of coffee anywhere around.
5. Colorado 3-6 "Cartman:" The Buffaloes thought they'd hired an evil mastermind, but instead got a guy who picked on the weak and weary. "Go play intramurals, brother!"
6. Minnesota 1-9 "Mr. McCormick:" Like Kenny's unemployed father, former Gophers coach Tim Brewster is still collecting checks even though he no longer has a job.
7. Washington State 1-9 "Chef:" Like the character voiced by Isaac Hayes, Cougars coach Paul Wulff has probably offered his players a few pearls of wisdom. "Boy, what the fudge are you doing?"
8. San Jose State 1-8 "Mr. Garrison:" The Spartans sometimes seem as conflicted as the South Park boys' teacher. Some weeks the Spartans look better than an FCS team; other weeks they look worse.
9. North Texas 2-7 "Captain Hindsight:" Mr. Obvious might have told the not-so-Mean Green they should have never hired a high school coach.
10. Wyoming 2-8 "Butters:" Butters became Cartman's temporary sidekick after Kenny died. The Cowboys are probably only a temporary Bottom 10 team after losing to New Mexico; they'll be here until the Lobos lose again.

Waiting list: New Mexico State (2-7), Buffalo (2-7), Western Michigan (3-6), Illinois' defense, Michigan's defense, East Carolina's defense, Vanderbilt (2-7), Wake Forest (2-7), Tulane (3-6), Louisiana-Lafayette (2-7), Oklahoma on the road, Texas on the road and at home, Rice (2-7), Bowling Green (2-7), Florida International (3-5), Colorado State (3-7).

Mark Schlabach covers college football for ESPN.com.

Mark Schlabach | email

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