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Oh, joy.

The remaining members of the All-Star Game lineups were announced by the NHL's hockey operations department Wednesday and Thursday. Aside from tax day and annual dental checkups, we can't think of a more highly anticipated event on the NHL schedule.

And with all due respect to Keith Tkachuk, currently the NHL's 82nd-highest scorer; Mike Modano (95th); or Dustin Brown (96th) -- all of whom were named to the West squad Wednesday -- we'd rather come up with our own rosters for our own All-Star event.

ALL-COACHES/GMs LINEUP
We've found there are too few coaches and GMs at the All-Star Game. Given the way the YoungStars have treated their portion of the proceedings the past couple of years -- like a trip to the proctologist -- why not throw the old gaffers on the ice and let them have a twirl. It'd probably be a lot more compelling, and most of these guys wouldn't go in for the no-contact footsie drill that is the normal All-Star contest.

Western Conference
Goalie: Ken Holland, Detroit Red Wings
Given his track record, Holland is the first All-Star goalie in years to throw up a goose egg.

Goalie: John Davidson, St. Louis Blues
Given the Blues' luck, Davidson likely will suffer a season-ending injury while putting on equipment.

Defense: Randy Carlyle, Anaheim Ducks
Most likely to pull a Pete Rose in this event.

Defense: Doug Wilson, San Jose Sharks
Can expect to be taunted by opposing coaches/GMs about his team's inability to get past the second round of the playoffs.

Forward: Darryl Sutter, Calgary Flames
Look for an all-Sutter dust-up in the corner.

Forward: Doug Risebrough, Minnesota Wild
Between shifts, he'll work on trying to trade Marian Gaborik.

Forward: Jacques Lemaire, Minnesota Wild
Will insist his team play the trap. Might be beaten by his own teammates.

Eastern Conference
Goalie: Jim Rutherford, Carolina Hurricanes
Look for a long-awaited return of Rutherford's signature winged-wheel goalie mask.

Goalie: Garth Snow, New York Islanders
Signs himself to a 15-year deal during warm-ups.

Defense: Craig Hartsburgh, Ottawa Senators
He begins the game as the Senators' coach. Can't say whether his status will remain the same by the end of the game.

Defense: Claude Julien, Boston Bruins
Might send rising shot over the glass in direction of New Jersey GM and president Lou Lamoriello, just for fun.

Forward: John Anderson, Atlanta Thrashers
Will insist the pregame meal come from his famous hamburger stands in Toronto.

Forward: Guy Carbonneau, Montreal Canadiens
Looks out of place because no penalties are called at All-Star events and, hence, there is little use for a penalty-killing specialist.

Forward: Brent Sutter, New Jersey Devils
Leaves halfway through game, sending in brothers Rich and Ron as replacements. No one notices until all three appear for team picture.

Forward: Ron Francis, Carolina Hurricanes
Francis is an associate coach in Carolina, so he would have to wait until one of the other forwards got tired, or in a fight, before we'd send him over the boards.

Coaches
For All-Star coaches … hmm … I think we'd have to go with Don Cherry and Barry Melrose, just for fun.

THE NO-RESPECT LINEUP
Funny how some guys will never get their due no matter how well they play. Well, they can come to our All-Star festival any time, mostly because they'll appreciate it more than the big guys and won't blow off reporters forced to try to come up with stories from the gruel that is the regular All-Star event.

Tim Thomas, Boston Bruins
Seriously, the guy is at, or near, the top of most goaltending categories, and people still think he's some stiff who lucked out playing in Finland during the lockout. Get over it, will ya?

Brent Burns, Minnesota Wild
Plays forward, plays defense, plays for Jacques Lemaire. No wonder folks don't know what to make of him. Rest assured, the Canadian Olympic brain trust knows what to do -- put him on the list for Vancouver 2010.

Dennis Wideman, Boston Bruins
Zdeno Chara gets all the props in Boston, as well he should. But guess what? Wideman is the real deal. Analyst Pierre McGuire told us earlier this season that he thinks Wideman is the most improved defenseman in the NHL. Good enough for us.

Marc Savard, Boston Bruins
Hey, three Bruins players. What gives?

Patrick Marleau, San Jose Sharks
He's not named Thornton, Boyle, Blake or Nabokov, but Marleau is 13th in the NHL in scoring. Not bad for a guy who's been thrown under the bus pretty regularly the past three seasons.

Patrick Sharp, Chicago Blackhawks
On a team with a lot of high-profile players, Sharp might be the straw that stirs the Blackhawks' playoff drink. He's sixth in the league with 20 goals and has moved seamlessly from his favored position on the wing to center.

ALL-FREE AGENT LINEUP
We would keep this line all in one spot so reporters could ask about future plans and debate which teams these players might get traded to or sign with (if they don't re-sign with their current clubs). We also could invite GMs and agents to talk to them and spice up the rumor mill.

Tim Thomas, Boston Bruins
He'll be back in Boston. Mark our words.

Jay Bouwmeester, Florida Panthers
Looking for the first ticket out of hockey hell. If he could sign somewhere else at the All-Star break, we're pretty sure he would.

Mike Komisarek, Montreal Canadiens
GM Bob Gainey will have a lot of explaining to do if he can't get Komisarek under wraps.

Marian Hossa, Detroit Red Wings
The thinking is Hossa wants a Cup ring, then the big bucks. Hard to imagine Holland will have the money to lock up both Henrik Zetterberg and Hossa.

Daniel and Henrik Sedin, Vancouver Canucks (hey, can you tell them apart?)
Now that Mats Sundin is aboard, and at a relatively cost-effective salary, we figure the Sedins will stay in Vancouver. Plus, other GMs will always wonder whether they signed the right one if the two get split up like in "The Parent Trap."

Henrik Zetterberg, Detroit Red Wings
He's not going anywhere but to the bank with Mike Ilitch's money.

Marian Gaborik, Minnesota Wild
He's here as a replacement on the free-agent line in case someone signs while those guys are hanging around.

THE ALL-UNDERACHIEVER LINEUP
We actually could have put together an entire team of underachievers, but no sense being too mean to too many so early in the new year, is there?

Vesa Toskala, Toronto Maple Leafs
The toast of Toronto has a 3.27 goals-against average, which is good enough for 42nd among NHL netminders. His .884 save percentage puts him at No. 42, as well. No wonder they love him in Toronto, where they hope to land the first pick in the June draft.

Kari Lehtonen, Atlanta Thrashers
If we have to pull Toskala, which is entirely likely, we could go to Lehtonen, the franchise netminder in Atlanta who boasts a 3.39 goals-against average.

Wade Redden, New York Rangers
Redden's play might be slowly turning a corner in New York, but it's been pretty grisly through the first half of the season for the longtime Senator who is in the first year of a six-year, $39 million deal. What was Glen Sather thinking?

Michal Rozsival, New York Rangers
Notice a trend here? Four years, $20 million. Earth to Glen … Earth to Glen … come in Glen.

Radim Vrbata, Czech Republic
Vrbata might not be available for our All-Star festivities, given that he was so brutal in Tampa Bay that they asked him to go home to the Czech Republic for the rest of the season (which he agreed to do).

Miroslav Satan, Pittsburgh Penguins
Satan is on pace for his lowest goal output (24) in more than a decade. And he's playing with Sidney Crosby. Woof.

Jason Spezza, Ottawa Senators
The Senators' No. 1 center is on pace for about a 25-point decline in production from 2007-08. No wonder the Sens look more like a draft-lottery team than a playoff contender.

Every team needs a coach, and our choice is obvious, especially given that he's not doing too much these days: Sean Avery.

Scott Burnside covers the NHL for ESPN.com.