Reel time with a hoodlum hillbilly
Editor's Column
By Matt VincentMy favorite weekly shouting match on television is called Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO.
It's not that I agree with everything Maher says. Far from it. After all, Maher is part of the Hollywood crowd that believes all outdoorsmen are hoodlum hillbillies who kill little animals for no good reason and inflict great pain on fish just for the fun of it. Guilty as charged, Bubba.
Maher was also the host of a television show on ABC called Politically Incorrect, which, ironically, was canceled because Maher was too politically incorrect. And wrong. But never mind that.
I like the current format of Maher's HBO show because it allows people to speak in layman's language and address current issues without having to walk the tight rope above social sensitivities. In case you haven't seen the show, Maher concludes each weekly installment with a segment called "New Rules."
If Maher was an avid sportsman — and that's stretching the boundaries of Beverly Hills to the limit — here's how he might conclude his show with New Rules for the Sporting Crowd.
New Rule: No more wanton killing and blood lust. To make outdoor activities more palatable to our nonconsumptive friends and neighbors and to increase social acceptance, we need to fudge the facts about the end game. We no longer "kill" fish. Rather, we thin them out through a humane process known as selective harvest. And, yes, that deer you pounded with that .54? It was "harvested" for nutritional sustenance, and then promptly tossed into the back of a pickup truck for public display and proof that you're doing your best to cull the herds on the highway at night.
New Rule: Truth in advertising. Most companies roll out "new" products every year, and outdoor writers and publications help perpetuate the myth. The truth? With some notable exceptions, year after year, new fishing products emerge from the same molds, from the same machinery, from the same factories and from the same tiny, bleeding hands in the Third World. You never hear a fisherman discussing the attributes of the '05 model compared to the '03 model. Why? Because they're basically the same fishing lure. Only the package changed. And even the different color is irrelevant after the finish pops off, having suffered repeated encounters with riprap. (I'm kidding about the child labor violations in foreign countries. Seriously.)
New Rule: It's not a world championship just because you say so. Earlier this year, BassFan, a popular Internet fishing site, staged what it called the "Top Gun World Championship," pitting top pros from the BASS circuit against pros from the FLW circuit. Never mind the overlap. The good news? BASS Times will hold the "Reel World Championship" at an undisclosed lake in Kansas next year. Stay tuned! (Souvenir T-shirts are available through credit card purchase on the Internet.)
New Rule: It ain't NASCAR. Bass fishermen do not drive at 200 miles per hour in a perpetual left-hand turn. Bass tournaments do not attract 200,000 spectators to the shoreline on a weekly basis. Yes, there's room for market growth, but quit trying to get a chicken to swim like a duck.
New Rule: Stop hiding your disappointment. When George W. Bush was elected to the White House, sportsmen across America had high hopes. Many of us thought, "Hey, cool! Here's a guy who will finally champion outdoor sports, someone who's not afraid to display his passion for hunting and fishing with the occasional photo op." Not happening. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, we were also hoping his interest in hunting and fishing would translate into executive action through legislation and conservation laws, kind of like a modern Teddy Roosevelt. Hey, who's running in '08? Hopefully not another goose hunter who windsurfs in his spare time. No more pandering for the outdoor vote unless you mean it.
New Rule: Quit fishing in chat rooms. That's a job better left to sexually frustrated perverts and child molesters. The best way to enjoy this sport is to get outside and do a little selective harvest. Don't spend every waking hour on a computer pondering the future of bass fishing with other self-professed experts. It makes for entertaining reading on occasion, but you're missing the boat.
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