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"This here meeting of the Swamp Gas Corners Bass Club will come to order!" President Crusty Popodopolous commanded. "Let's have the treasurer's report first."

Mouse Mozzarella, the club's financial wizard, rose and announced gravely, "I'm sorry to report that our treasury is just about empty. If we're gonna make it through the year, we has to come up with some funds pronto!"

"I told you that no-good Crusty was embezzlin' money from the treasury!" Harry whispered. "The stock market is tankin' and the economy's goin' south, yet he shows up at our last tournament with a brand new $60,000 bass rig!"

"Does the treasurer have any suggestions for solving our financial crisis?" Crusty wondered.

"Some sort of fundraiser would seem to be in order," Mouse replied.

"My ol' lady's knittin' club held a bake sale last year and ended up in a lawsuit when somebody tried to bite into one of her biscuits and broke his jaw," Harry chortled.

"How about a raffle?" Timmy Tipp suggested. "The Moose Lodge in Onion City raffled off a Cadillac and took in 150 grand from the ticket sales!"

"We could raffle off Crusty's new bass boat!" Harry allowed. "Surely our beloved president wouldn't mind donating his rig to help out the club." "That gives me an idea — why don't we raffle off a fishin' trip with our 2008 points champions?" Crusty brightened. "I'll throw in the use of my boat for the outing!" Now that sounded like a great idea, except for one minor detail: The 2008 points champions was me 'n' Harry!

"Are you kiddin' me?" Wilbur Wangle laughed. "Ain't nobody in their right minds would buy a raffle ticket to go fishin' with them two polecats!"

"Oh yeah?" Harry snorted. "Well, what if we don't want to waste a perfectly good Saturday takin' some shmuck that's almost as clueless as you is, on a fishin' trip?"

"Calm down, Harry!" I jumped in. "We'd be glad to come to the Bass Club's rescue by donatin' our services for a day."

"All right, then it's a done deal!" Crusty announced with a whack of his gavel. "Mouse and me will handle the ticket sales ourselves! Now, let's move on to the next order of business."

"But — but —" Harry stammered.

"Don't worry, hopefully it won't be as awful as you think," I reassured him.

On Saturday afternoon, me 'n' Harry drove out to the Swill-Mart, where Crusty and Mouse had set up a card table near the entrance and was peddlin' raffle tickets under a sign that read "Win a Fishing Trip for 2 with the Swamp Gas Corners Bass Club's 2008 Champions! Only $1 a ticket! "

"Hey, how come that sign don't have our names or pictures on it?" Harry grumbled.

"Maybe they don't want to scare folks away!" I laughed.

"Howdy boys!" Crusty waved. "Wanna buy a raffle ticket?"

"You sold any yet?" I wondered.

"Business has been brisk," he allowed. "We sold over 750 tickets this morning! Turns out Swill-Mart's having a store-wide sale of its size XXXL and above men's and women's fashions, and nearly every fat person in the state's been waddlin' by here!"

"I'll take 25 tickets!" a man as big as a haystack panted as he handed Crusty a fistful of dollars.

"Charlie, this fundraisin' fishin' trip is turnin' into a nightmare!" Harry whined. "Even Crusty's oversized bass rig couldn't hold two people the size of that guy!"

The raffle turned out to be a roaring success! In a single weekend the bass club took in nearly four grand in ticket sales. The prize drawing was scheduled for the following Saturday morning at Dingleberry Park on the shores of Belly Button Bayou, with the lucky winner and his/her friend to immediately hop into Crusty's boat with me 'n' Harry and take off for a fun-filled day on the lake!

On the day of the big drawing, all of us bass clubbers showed up at the park at daybreak to set up a makeshift stage, shine up Crusty's bass rig and deal with the TV crew that Crusty had tipped off about the event. By 7:30 a huge crowd had gathered. I say "huge crowd" because most of the onlookers was size XXXL or bigger! Many of them was clutchin' cheap spincast outfits in their chubby hands that they'd purchased at Swill-Mart in anticipation of winnin' the fishin' trip.

"How long is this here outing supposed to last?" complained Harry's old lady, Maybelline. "I got a long list of chores for you to tackle as soon as you get home!"

"In your dreams!" Harry replied. "It'll be enough of a chore to take two of these overstuffed amateurs fishin'!"

My bride, Zepha, had stopped by as well. "Is the drawing promptly at 8 o'clock?" she wondered. She had to be at the beauty shop by 8:15 for her monthly beehive lamination.

At 8 a.m. sharp, Crusty stepped up to the stage and announced through a bullhorn, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Swamp Gas Corners Bass Club's grand prize drawing for the free fishing trip for two! At this time I'd like to introduce our 2008 champions, Harry and Charlie! (APPLAUSE) They'll be taking the winners on an exciting bass fishing excursion in this beautiful new bass rig! (APPLAUSE) Boys, I expect you to be careful with my new boat, hear? No running into stumps, and try to keep the speed down to 80 miles an hour!"

"That rig won't go 8 miles an hour with two of them aboard!" Harry said glumly.

"And now for the drawing!" Crusty announced as he reached his hand into a big cardboard box containing all the raffle tickets. The crowd pressed forward. "The winner of the bass fishing trip for two is … LOLITA LOVE!"

There was a squeal of delight from the back of the crowd. The mass of humanity separated and a blonde bombshell clad in hot pants and a bikini top bounced up to the stage, bringing with her a brunette who was equally stacked!

"Looks like our luck is about to improve!" I whistled. "Them two babes has got more curves than a tow sack fulla doorknobs!"

"Congratulations, Miss Love — or may I call you Lolita?" Crusty oozed. "And who is your lovely companion?"

"I'm Carmen Crave," the brunette replied, battin' her eyelashes. "And I'd like to invite everyone in the crowd out to see Lolita and me perform at Vito's House of Exotic Dancing in Onion City!"

Lolita threw her arms around a shell-shocked Harry and cooed, "I'm so looking forward to having a big, strong man like you bait my hook!"

Carmen planted a big sloppy kiss on my cheek and gushed, "Why, you're just about the cutest thing I've ever seen! I'm sure we'll have all kinds of fun in that big ol' boat!"

"Get away from our husbands, you floozies!!! " Maybelline 'n' Zepha hollered as they stormed the stage and commenced to pummeling Lolita 'n' Carmen with their purses! I pulled Harry out of harm's way as the melee escalated into the catfight of the century.

"But what about us takin' Lolita 'n' Carmen fishin'?" Harry wondered with disappointment as the TV cameras recorded the melee. "After all, they did win the raffle."

"Once our ol' ladies get done puttin' a major-league whoopin' on 'em, the only place them babes will be goin' is to the emergency room!" I replied. "In the meantime, you 'n' me might as well back Crusty's boat into the bayou and go fishin'!"

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