- Mike Suchan, Outdoors
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Like they know what Bigfoot sounds like
The most humorous aspect of the recent purported bigfoot sighting, this one last weekend in the Kiamichi Mountains of southeastern Oklahoma complete with 15-inch footprint, is that they heard it.
D.W. Lee, who runs the Mid-America Bigfoot Research Center, claims to have heard the "vocalizations" of the ultra-elusive creature. This story in the Tulsa World hey, I worked there at one time and thought it was a reputable newspaper has Lee saying it was the tell-tale mocking calls of Bigfoot.
Now how the heck do they know what Bigfoot sounds like? Who was it mocking? Do they have recordings of these mockings?
Noted Bigfoot exterminator Dandy Don Barone is sure to get a kick out of it, maybe even some work.
"I'm at a funeral for christ's sake," Barone responded," ... but I will go chase him if you want."
Nice try, DB. No one will send you Honobia, which if Googled, is there but has no populace to sal-ute!. It falls under the Class Code U6, which everyone knows is "a populated place that is not a census designated or incorporated place having an official federally recognized name."
Nice, and how convenient. Of course, the eastern Oklahoma sight will host the 2009 Honobia Oklahoma Bigfoot Festival at the Kiamichi Mountain Mission Camp Grounds this October.
Coincidence. I think not. Just super sneaky marketing.
"Hey, let's put out a Bigfoot sighting in time to work some more visitors up for the big Bigfoot Fest."
"Yeah, I'll print up 5 more of dem der Sasquatch T-shirts." (Hey, I would like one of those).
"That ought to do it."
It is kinda neat to have some mythical critter wander our nation's woods, but do the believers really want to know how to find one?
Just open a hunting season on them, complete with bounty.
P.S. I really just like the Tulsa World's report because of the comments on the bottom.
Hurricaneharry's post: "If Bigfoot is in Oklahoma, I bet he votes Republican and posts on this board."
Of course the reponse from Bigfoot1, who makes you believe he is really a Bigfoot because his icon is the famous Bigfoot photo, disputes that assertion: "I do post here some, but I'm fairly liberal by inclination."
It is to laugh. A liberal Bigfoot! Ha!
Fool me once ...
Not moving nor making a sound should have tipped off police in Warren, Mich., pop. 138,247, sal-ute!
A man had called in that a huge 150-pound cat, presumably a cougar, was holed up in the Detroit suburb. Police rushed to the scene and, looking into the sewer pipe, saw the silhouette of a ready-to-pounce big cat. They backed off, consulted animal control, then took decisive action.
Now a report of a big cat loose in a residential area should be thoroughly checked, especially after there were 338 reported cougar sightings in the state last year. While one agency says there appears to be a breeding population, the Michigan Department of Natural Resources says there's no proof tracks, scat, fur nor carcass that cougars are even in the Lower Penisula.
Being sure, a sergeant made the order to taser the suspect. Tasers, a techonology some say is overused by some law enforcement, utilize compressed nitrogen to shoot two probes that deliver 50,000 volts to immobilize targets.
When this tase didn't faze, the cops began to wonder what up. Only then did they notice the subject wasn't alive.
Turns out it was a life-size stuffed panther, the kind one might win by spending $55 trying to throw a ring over a bottle at a carnival. How embarrassing Not me wasting my money, the cops, the cops.
The Warren Commish says it was an expensive prank and put a blemish on the department, yet he insists his officers showed good judgment.
The comments on this Macomb Daily article show some residents' disgust and some support but think what could have happened if there had been a live cougar in town.
The prankster should be persecuted and billed for the call and overtime required, or maybe just go a round with a live cat.
It's raining moose
You don't hear this every day. A motorist on a road in Clinton, Maine pop. 3,340, sal-ute! called the town office last week reporting "a moose just fell out of the sky."
Seems the 500-pound yearling bull was on I-95 and, apparently frightened by traffic, jumped over a guardrail and fell 18 feet to its death. That had to have been some sight for the driver on Hinckley Road, who was reported as being "pretty excited about it."
Can you imagine the person's eyes, just driving along and seeing a moose come flying down? Can you imagine the poor moose's eyes when it realized its landing zone was way farther down than it had expected?
The poor critter was hauled away by a passing wrecker. Read the entire report in this Bangor Daily News report.
Going at the Geyser
You always hear of running water giving one the urge to go.
A faucet, a babbling brook, the ocean. A geyser?
Sure, why not. That might explain why several were cited by the National Park Service for urinating near Old Faithful in Yellowstone National Park.
A viewer of a live park webcast alerted officials, who in turn ran down the six workers of a park concessionare. The males who were cited for going off the trail into a thermal area, illegal since they could break through the fragile crusts in some areas.
They'll have to explain themselves before a federal magistrate. Good luck.
Here's the complete article in the Billings Gazette.
Too much, reely
Corny, clever or confusing, the top 10 lists of most popular and most humorous boat names, as compiled by BoatU.S., hit the waves this week.
The editors even offer possible explanations as to how the name choice reveals the owner's personality, passion or experiences.
Untie the lines, aweigh we go! A-ha.
Example 1 from BoatU.S.: "Seas the Day: While this boat owner may feel they have no control over their declining retirement account, they are completely in charge while boating and intend to get the most out of their boating lifestyle."
Wow. How do they get all that out of someone trying to make a clever spin on the word 'sea.' Trying.
Here's the BoatU.S. lists, but we've come up with some of our own.
Let's start with the variations on "sea" used in boat names and what we think.
Sea Vu Play. French boat or children's book with main character named Vu.
A Fishin Sea. One bedroom boat with galley and a view.
3 Sea Sons. Trio of brothers whose father was sailor share boat.
Luna sea. Either boat used only at night or payments too high.
Sea-Clusion. Boat has overbite.
Sea-licious. Maybe edible boat, but probably just ridiculous.
Sea-duction. A player's ploy.
Sea ya. Fast boat or sub with periscope.
Seanile. For cruising river in Egypt or more retirees they can't recall.
Tip Sea. Alcoholics.
Legasea. Sure thing to get into frat.
X2Sea. Druggies or players, or both.
Egg-Sta-Sea. Fry cook.
Nausea. Me on a boat.
Pol i Sea. Polly's boat or one bought with insurance claim.
SeaNick Route. Nick likes to stay close to land and sight-see.
Vitamin Sea. GNC sailsman. Ha, right back at ya.
Sea-Fare Afishonado. Fish and double entendre lover.
Priva-Sea. Rich guy owns ocean, or boat with mirrored windows.
Pana Sea-A. Yes, good. Like it. Fits. You pass.
These do not.
Sir Docks-A-Lot. Huh?
Miss Behaving. A little cliche.
Waken It Easy. Not on ears.
Kist My Stern. Or my grits, right Flo.
A Little Dinghy. We believe you for naming it that.
Any use of "Nauti" or "buoy," or any combination of two. Make up your own, it's fun.
There's some other cliche names for anglers' boat, of course utilizing "reel." Some are bad, some not, but all are reely cheesy:
Reel Therapy; Reel Laxed; Reel Nuts; Reely Mine; Reel Busy; Reel Impression; Reel Deal; Reel Estate; Reel Wild.
There's names for those who know they spent too much: Moby Debt; Playin S Payin; Miss Mymoney; Debt-icated.
Here's one for a boat that never leaves the slip: Shore Thing.
For the Kevin Costner fan: Dances with Waves.
The drunks: Ship Faced.
The fast boats: Blew Bayou or Blew By Ya.
One for the totally hen-pecked: Mama Said Yes.
And finally, another good one, but it's a thinker: Hell Froze Over.
About the author: Mike Suchan has been editor at ESPNOutdoors.com the past three years. He's worked in journalism for 25 years, winning state and regional awards. Email him here.
Digress: Like they know what Bigfoot sounds like