Updated: April 25, 2006, 12:28 PM ET

Out There: Things I learned last year

A lot can be discerned over a 12-month period, even if you're
a stubborn, forgetful, over-the-hill nimrod, like the author

Print Share
sutton_keith By Keith "Catfish" Sutton
Special to ESPNOutdoors.com

You've heard the old saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." Well, that may be true; but some aged mutts like me are still able to learn a thing or two despite being disinclined to fetch or roll over.

I'm about to turn 50, and the parts of my body that ache everyday tell me that's definitely over the hill for me. Despite getting long in the tooth, however, I manage to absorb a few new tidbits of knowledge every year.

2005 was no exception. Consider these facts committed to memory during the 12 months just passed:

  • If your hunting buddy pulls up to a big mud hole in his new 4x4 pickup and states without hesitation, "That'll barely get the axles damp," then you should ask to exit the vehicle immediately, for he is certain to bury the truck so deep the doors won't open.

  • A fire-ant mound makes a very poor seat.

  • A nine-banded armadillo foraging in the dusky-dark deer woods makes exactly the same sounds as a grizzly bear.

  • The fine for shooting a nine-banded armadillo is $279.30, plus court costs.

  • If you have a hunting dog that exhibits a bad limp every other day, the problem can be simply resolved: Sell the dog on the day it doesn't limp.

  • A snake that falls from an overhead branch into your fishing boat should not be immediately interpreted as a sign to abandon ship. Check first to see how many snakes are in the water.

  • Noodling for catfish is best done in water with a scarcity of alligators.

    Keith Sutton
    Noodling for catfish is best done in water with a scarcity of alligators.
  • The best weeks to go hunting and fishing are those with a Friday in them.

  • Wearing a two-man cow costume designed especially for waterfowl hunters may help you get closer to the ducks on the farm pond you're hunting. But if you're the rear man in the cow suit, it is best to check the surrounding farmland for bulls before trying this ploy.

  • If you forgot to remove the bullet and powder from your muzzleloading rifle after your hunt, and you inadvertently put another load in on top of the first, when you pull the trigger there will be a very loud noise that will sound something like, "YOU NITWIT!"


  • Before selling them at your yard sale, it is best to check the value of the old wooden decoys you found in your grandpa's barn. Ditto old fishing lures.

  • If a guy in camp intends to use the phrase, "Get 'er done," more than 50 times in a single weekend, it is probably best he sleep with one eye open and not eat food prepared by other members of the party.

  • When you plan a fishing vacation, it is prudent to complete all your arrangements … then go a week earlier or a week later, because that is invariably when the fish will be biting.

    Keith Sutton
    Knowing how to quickly climb a tree is a handy thing when fishing from a wooded island in a fast-rising river.
  • Knowing how to quickly climb a tree is a handy thing when fishing from a wooded island in a fast-rising river.

  • Putting a lip-lock on a 40-pound blue catfish will damage your thumb no more and no less than smashing it with a 20-pound sledge hammer.

  • Riding an improperly installed climbing treestand from a height of 20 feet to ground level is not as much fun as the log ride at Six Flags.

  • A $699 GPS unit with dead batteries is worth less than a $2.99 compass.

  • If you really like your fancy new cell phone, with all its bells and whistles, and want to keep it for the duration of the two-year contract with your service provider, don't let it ring too often while enjoying the peace and quiet of a backcountry fishing excursion with your best friend.

  • You might be foolish betting $100 on the next round of skeet if your competitor is shooting a new Purdey and you're shooting Uncle Fred's squirrel gun.

  • If you never have as many rabbits as you'd like to eat, keep a few mealworms in your hunting-vest pocket. And when you're cleaning the cottontails, show the worms to your rabbit-hunting buddies and say, "These rabbits are full of warbles. I better take them home and dispose of them properly."

    Keith Sutton
    Any new deerstand that comes equipped with its own Sir Edmund Hillary Commemorative Everest Climbing Sling could be dangerous.
  • Any new deerstand that comes equipped with its own Sir Edmund Hillary Commemorative Everest Climbing Sling could be dangerous to hunt from.

  • The good thing about chiggers is … well, there is nothing good about chiggers. Likewise with ticks.

  • Never take as much bait as you think you will need when going fishing. Fish always bite best when bait is scarcest.

  • When the guy who missed the deer weighs more than 250 pounds and has tattoos of the grim reaper and a flaming skull, you might want to explain the tradition of cutting off a bad shot's shirttail before you take a knife to his favorite camo crewneck.


  • A beagle will eat anything, including a truck key accidentally dropped on the ground.

  • Any key eaten by a beagle is certain to be the original and not a spare, as the spare key is many miles away at your home sitting on the same table where you left your cell phone.

    Keith Sutton
    Beagles and truck keys don't mix well.
  • It takes approximately 7 hours and 32 minutes for a beagle to pass a truck key that it ate. At some point, while waiting for the key to pass, you will think seriously about strangling the beagle and retrieving the key using quicker means.

  • The severity of heartburn is directly proportional to the quantity of Vienna sausages, potted meat, sardines and/or Slim Jims consumed at a single setting.

  • Never stand next to the toughest-looking guy on the party boat when going saltwater fishing. He's the one person who will, without doubt, get very, very seasick.

  • Ivory-billed woodpeckers do taste like chicken.

    To contact Keith Sutton, email him at catfishdude@sbcglobal.net. His new book, "Out There Fishing" (Stoeger Publishing; $19.95), is available at www.catfishsutton.com.

    • ALSO SEE

    MORE OUTDOORS HEADLINES

    MOST SENT STORIES ON ESPN.COM

    Most Sent »