Tale of the Tape: Yanks vs. Hogs
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

"Four young men experiment with internal combustion in a tiny wooden shed "

Rookie hazing, circa the Murderers Row era?

Try the official Harley Davidson website -- more specifically, an article on the birth of a combustible American institution which proudly celebrates it's 100th anniversary this year.

Of course, you can also describe the Yankees as 100 year old and highly combustible. And as far American institutions go, what's more patriotic than celebrating the chompin' wieners in the house that Ruth built? Nothing unless your chompin' road kill jerky and ripping down the freeway astride American steel. The New York Yankees and Harley Davidson, 100 years young. It's about time we see how they stack up in the Tale of the Tape

New York Yankees vs. Harley Davidson
Category  
New York Yankees
 
Harley Davidson
  Advantage
How to get your wife involved:   "So that's Derek Jeter "   "Wow, this seat is purring like a jungle cat "   Harley
We have them to thank for:   The luxury tax   Fat guys wearing black leather chaps   Yankees
Babes:   The greatest Yankee of all   The kind of gal you meet, marry and divorce, all in one day at the Sturgis Rally   Harley
H.O.G.:   David Wells   A registered trademark   Harley
Everyone is sick of seeing:   Buying your best free agents up and batting them eighth   Driving the lane divider to creep past you at a red light   Yankees
Proof that you can never have enough:   Pitching   Thunder between your legs   Harley
Sad:   Mattingly retires one year before a championship   A biker gang consisting of six middle-aged couples   Yankees
Cautionary tales:   Ed Whitson   Gary Busey   Yankees
Saddle bags:   Don Zimmer's jowls   Where you keep your gun   Yankees
Acts of treason:   Matsui riding a Suzuki   Mixing a Yankee cap with a confederate flag vest   Push
Uh-oh:   Steinbrenner just hacked into Torre's Blackberry   You just ate a bug at 90 MPH   Harley
Yes!:   Gouging cable subscribers since 2002   Paying stock dividends for over a decade   Harley
Could end the ride:   Revenue sharing   Oil cartels   Push
Expensive rivals that can't compete:   The Mets   The Segway   Push
Guzzlers:   The Mick   The Fatboy   Yankees
Happiness is ... :   A $300 million payroll   A warm 'taint   Hmmm, let's move on, shall we?
Possible side effects:   Dynastic numbness   Gravel pants   Yankees
A great excuse to sell ... :   Beer   Skin grafts   Yankees
Still trying to live down ... :   "Ball Four"   Men in bandanas, or, as I like to call them, "mandanas"   Yankees
Don't judge them all by:   Joe Pepitone at Sing Sing   The Hell's Angels at Altamont   Harley
100 years ago:   The Bronx was a nice neighborhood   Your head was your helmet   Yankees
Looking into the crystal ball:   "Ladies and gentlemen, your New Jersey Yankees!"   Autosuck technology linked to highway "mishaps"   Harley -- what a way to go.

So there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a centennial squeaker, the advantage goes to the Yankees, and a 200th anniversary rematch looks even less competitive: Harley will be too busy scrambling to find a new fuel source. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you: The numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.





YANKS VS. HOGS

ALSO SEE:


Nick Bakay Archive

Caple: Yanks for the memories

Merron: The Bronx bombs

Take the Yankee trivia quiz!





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