Super Bowl vs. Lingerie Bowl
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

So let me get this straight: When halftime rolls around this Sunday, I can keep it where it is and watch Boomer Esiasion's neck engorge every time Deion takes center stage, or I can plunk down my $19.95 and do some engorgin' of my own, thanks to the first annual Lingerie Bowl? I think that's what they call a no-brainer.

On to the bigger question: Now that we've got two football games this Sunday, which one's gonna be the most entertaining? Two stifling defenses that have the over/under inching lower every day, or the shadowy promise of two scantily-clad models cat-fighting for a tipped ball? The cultural magnitude of the Super Bowl makes it a heavy favorite, but that's why they play the games, my friends. The Super Bowl versus the Lingerie Bowl, let's see how they stack up at the tale of the tape ...

Super Bowl vs. Lingerie Bowl
Category  
Super Bowl
 
Lingerie Bowl
  Advantage
Trenches:   Where the game is won or lost.   Where the thong goes.   Lingerie
Genius at work:   Belichick's defensive game plan.   Whoever invented those little snaps on the bottom of a teddy.   Lingerie Bowl
Guaranteed to provide:   Yet another reason for eight franchises to remember why they fired their coach.   A persistent tingle in your swimsuit area.   Lingerie Bowl
Lifespan:   Two weeks of hype, two hours of commercials, 12 minutes of actual football.   Watch it, record on TiVo, burn to DVD, hide from wife ...   Lingerie -- it's the gift that keeps on giving.
Most outrageous media day questions:   How long have you been a black quarterback?   Could you two make out for us?   Lingerie Bowl
Playing hurt:   Turf burns   Rug burns   Push, and pass the ointment.
Player distractions:   Getting tickets for everyone in your family.   The way the left tackle telegraphs pass plays by licking her lips.   Lingerie Bowl
Red zone:   The area between the 20-yard line and the endzone.   I'm not even going there.   Push
Trash talk:   This is when the big dawgs come out to play!   Your boyfriend called me this morning.   Push
Line of scrimmage:   Where each play starts.   The border of that tattoo on her lumbar region.   Push -- both are fraught with possibilities.
The spoils of war:   The Vince Lombardi Trophy   A special cameo on "Girls Gone Wild."   Super Bowl
Preferred viewer venue:   A party with 97 of your closest friends.   Alone, in a dark room.   Super Bowl
This is the first Super Bowl Sunday to feature:   A retractable stadium roof.   Two quarterbacks, zero tight spirals.   Super Bowl
What the MVP gets to say:   "I'm going to Disneyland"   "I'm puttin' on my pants!"   Hmmm
Reason to huddle under the replay hood:   A call merits reversal   Visible nipple   Push
How the head coaches motivate their troops:   Belichick tries to smile.   LT lets his players handcuff him to a hotel radiator.   Push
38:   The over under.   The safety's cup size.   Lingerie Bowl
Magic moments:   A game-winning drive with time running out.   The snap from center.   Push
When it's over:   You feel tired, creepy, and depressed.   You feel tired, creepy, and depressed.   Push

So there you have it, it's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a drop-the-Levitra stunner, the advantage goes to the Lingerie Bowl ... unless they run long and keep me from getting back to the game in time to track my third-quarter prop bets. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. His book, "Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape," will be available from Hyperion/ESPN Books on May 1. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.





TALE OF THE TAPE

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