|And the nominees are ...|
By Jim Caple
Page 2 columnist
Hollywood announced the Oscar nominations Tuesday, and wouldn't you know it, the Academy still refuses to honor Shaquille O'Neal with a lifetime achievement award for a body of work that includes "Ka-Zaam," "Blue Chips," "Steel" and "Freddy Got Fingered."
Fortunately, Page 2 has its own list of Oscar nominations. They may not carry the cachet of the real thing, but we don't make you sit through four hours of Whoopi Goldberg, either.
BEST PICTURE: "About S---" a bitter ex-ballplayer threatens to rat out his friends -- Jose Canseco director, Jose Canseco producer; "Milwaukee" a musical farce about a man in a small-market Midwestern city trying to kill baseball teams -- Alan H. Selig director, Alan H. Selig producer; "Far From Seven," a drama about the Cincinnati Bengals offense -- Dick LeBeau director, Mike Brown producer; "My Big Fat Rear End," a romantic comedy about a Houston Rockets backup center -- Stanley Roberts director, Stanley Roberts producer; "Ours!," a depressing tale of a greedy NHL family illegally siphoning revenue from a cable station to fund a luxury lifestyle -- Michael Rigas director, John Rigas producer.
BEST DIRECTOR: Hootie Johnson for "Grumpy Old Men;" Mark Cuban for "Dairy Queens"; Scotty Bowman for "Slap Shot 3: One for the Tentacle"; Dusty Baker for "The Bad News Bears Fill up the Dugout"; Jon Gruden for "Child's Play VIII: Chucky Beats the Spread"
BEST ACTOR: Lance Armstrong in "Catch Me If You Can"; Barry Bonds in "A League of His Own"; Michael Vick in "Gone With the Wind"; Yao Ming in "Chinatown 3: Endorsement City"; LeBron James in "Fast Times at St. Mary's/St. Vincent's"
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Darren Baker in "Home (Plate) Alone"; Phil Mickelson in "Chasing Tiger, Hidden Lefty"; Mike Tyson in "Rocky VIII: Straight to Video"; the Rally Monkey in "King Kong 2002"; Patrick Ewing in "Austin Powers 3: Gold Club Member"
BEST ACTRESS: Serena Williams in "40-Love is a Many Splendored Thing"; Annika Sorenstam in "Woman of the Year"; Sarah Hughes in "Sixteen Candles and 116 Endorsement Deals"; Pat Summit in "The 800 Club"; Martha Burk in "Caddyshack VI: Girls Gone Wild"
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Michelle Kwan in "The Runaway Bridesmaid"; Venus Williams in "Sister Act"; Mia Hamm in "The Wedding Planner"; Jamie Sale in "David and Jamie and Anton and Elena"; Elin Nordrgen in "Sexy Swedish Nannies in Short Green Jackets"
BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS: Ken Caminiti in "The Un-Natural"; John Henry Williams and Ted Williams in "The Ice-Man Leaveth"; Jerry Jones in "Face-Off"
BEST ORGINAL SONG: Shaquille O'Neal for " 'Ching-Chong, Yang-Wah, Ah-So' Means I Love Backing You Up in the All-Star Game"; Mark Cuban for "Supercalifragilalistic-Scrumpdillyishus"; Pete Rose for "Lose Your Shirt"; The NFL Referees Chorus for "(Oops) I Missed It Again"
IRVING R. THALBERG LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: Michael Jordan. (But really, this is the last time we're giving this to him.)
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.