|Dancing with Destiny|
By Jeff Merron
Page 2 staff
We already know plenty about Alabama coach Mike Price. We know, for example, that he was 83-77 at Washington State and had an overall 129-121 record in his long coaching career before he was named the Crimson Tide's head coach in December.
We know he was born in Denver. We know he has three grown children. And we know he is 56 years old.
But we don't know much about his "Destiny." Only, so far, that he spent a couple of hundred bucks on her at a Pensacola strip club.
The Page 2 Brain Trust charged this writer to "find out everything you can about Destiny," and in a few hours, the research was complete. It was not difficult. Google had 3,090,000 references to the woman.
Actually, her offspring is more famous than she is, even after the latest scandal.
Destiny, it turns out, has a very popular child -- with the most popular "destiny" Web site on the Net, according to Google. And Destiny's Child, like Destiny herself, is closely connected to the sports world, having performed before a jeering Philly crowd at halftime of Game 4 of the 2001 NBA Finals.
Still, Destiny's Child is immensely successful. Which leads to the question, why is Destiny doing lap dances for $200 bucks a pop?
Well, to make that kind of dough just for showing her goodies, she must be built. Perhaps it's just that, as Sigmund Freud so famously wrote, "Anatomy is destiny."
And what was Price doing in the strip club that night? It surely was no accident, if you believe the author Harriet Rosenstein, who said, "Destiny is something men select." Price, a goal-oriented coach who clearly knows how to get what he wants, seems to have done just that.
Indeed, completely fictional sources have told Page 2 that during the evening in Pensacola, Price quoted Williams Jennings Bryan, repeating over and over, "Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice."
But more about the woman. Dozens of songs have been written about her. Among them:
She's also inspired a number of bands, including at least four named, without adornment, "Destiny." Considering her strong musical background, we thought it best to make wild guesses at some other aspects of Destiny's background and character by studying the names of other bands named after her.
Without giving it much thought, we propose that "One Destiny" suggests that Price's Destiny has a sense of the absurd -- clearly, if there was only one destiny, there wouldn't be so many destinies. "Two for Destiny" hints that if she's a drinking woman, she doesn't like to wait for the next one. "People of Destiny" clearly indicates that she has a strong following of some sort, and "Jesters of Destiny" must have gotten together solely to amuse her.
"Destiny's Tots" -- put them together with "Destiny's Children" and you've got one family-oriented woman. (Makes us wonder if Price and Destiny spent their evening comparing notes about Pampers and pre-schools.) And she apparently is always trying to improve herself, as exemplified by "New Divine Destiny."
Now, at this point we should make it abundantly clear that we could be entirely mistaken about Price's Destiny. At this point in our research, the evidence leads us to believe only that she is:
A well-built mother of very successful child entertainers who drinks 'em two at a time, has a great sense of humor, probably reads lots of self-help books, and has some kind of religious following.
So we had to find out more. We went to see what others had said about Destiny. Immediately, we found out that we weren't the only ones looking for answers. For example, Kain, in the blockbuster 1999 hit "Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver," asked, with a hint of desperation, "Destiny is a game, is it not?"
If Kain wasn't sure, would anyone be? The short answer is: yes. For example:
Other things we know about Destiny, from our sports heritage, is that there have been hundreds, if not more, "teams of destiny." Red Auerbach called Larry Bird, way back in 1981, a "player of destiny. " And just about every team in every sport (ignoring that nattering nabob of negativism, Bud Selig) likes to believe "we control our own destiny." Did Price know how much this woman gets around?
And did he know this? That there is a "Mr. Destiny" -- a 1990 baseball-related flick starring James Belushi, Linda Hamilton, Michael Caine, Jon Lovitz, Rene Russo, and Courteney Cox?
In the end, we had to give up. For all we know about Coach Price, we're ultimately ignorant on the subject of Destiny. Or, if we may be permitted to end with a final quote, from the great playwright Samuel Beckett: "What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes."