Hi, I'm Iowa State men's basketball coach Larry
Eustachy. And if you're like me, you are always
looking for a good time when you're on the road.
"Plains" states? They don't have to be!
It doesn't matter if you're a frat guy or just an
adult who wants to party like one: Culled from a
season's worth of road trips subsidized by Iowa state
taxes, my handy Guide to Party Schools will have you
rocking out -- not to mention buzzing and groping --
all night long.
Here are my exclusive ratings -- from the Four-Beer Schools all the way down to the campuses to avoid:
Larry says: "Here's a story that sums it up: Last
season, I met this hottie at K-State at a party after
we lost and I was talking to her and I was like, 'What
are you doing here? Why aren't you going to KU? The
girls down there are much hotter. You belong there.'
Hope your frat-house game in Lawrence is that
effective, because you're gonna get stomped by 15 on
School: Northern Iowa
Larry says: "There's a reason I scheduled a game
at Northern: Recruiting. But when I say 'hot prospect,'
I ain't talking about power forwards."
Larry says: "Let me give you my special Lincoln 'uni,'
and maybe you'll have party success like me: red hat
-- always backwards -- with sunglasses perched on the
brim ... Eric Crouch No. 7 jersey ... plastic cup chained to a strap on your wrist."
Larry says: "Uh, anyone seen that photo of me with the
Bush twins? It was on the Internet somewhere ..."
Larry says: "Some might say there's an in-state
'rivalry' between us and Iowa, but whenever I go there
and hit Frat Row, I always find the guys (and gals!) there to be the
friendliest. Getting negged at the door? Just tell
'em: 'Larry sent me!'"
Larry says: "Alcohol's my thing, but to get higher
than a Trail Blazers' shootaround, my crunchy pals at
CU say Boulder gets the job done."
Larry says: "The best part about going to Mizzou --
Shout-Out to My Boy, Josh Kroenke! -- is that I get
all the Natty Light I can handle at those cheap,
School: Oklahoma State
Larry says: "On the topic of Natural Light, I've been
reading a lot of comments from fans mocking me for
making so much money, yet drinking the swill of choice
of poor frat dudes. I'll tell you what I tell my
recruits: 'I'm no beer snob, and I don't expect you to
School: Texas A&M
Larry says: "Two words: Dixie Chicken. 99-cent Lone
Stars -- yee ha! -- and rattlesnakes in a glass case,
just for atmosphere."
School: Kansas State
Larry says: "Like I said, the women are hotter at KU,
but let me tell you something: Those Kappa Sigs know
how to party! Woooo!"
Unrated: Unscheduled Last Season
School: Texas Tech
Larry says: "We didn't have the Red Raiders on the
road, but you can bet your Bobby it'll be a wild
Knight in Lubbock next year ... if there is a next
Larry says: "I'm always calling Kelvin [Sampson] and
saying, 'Hey, K-Dog, what's going on at the Delt house
this weekend?' He never returns my calls though."
Larry says: "A little smaller student body than the
big state schools, but you know what that means: A
fantastic students-to-barrail ratio!"
Schools Larry Wants to Schedule
Larry says: "Princeton Review's Top Party School for
2003. 'Nuff said."
The entire SEC
Larry says: "Have I blown my opportunity to get the
ISU president and AD to jump conferences? I mean, the
Big 12 is nice, but the SEC is the pro league of
hotties and partying!"
Schools to Avoid on Schedule
Larry says: "Two words: Dry campus."
Any service academy
Larry says: "Ditto."
Dan Shanoff is a columnist for Page 2. His "Daily
Quickie" commentary appears every weekday morning. The
opinions expressed about these college towns reflect a
parody of what Larry Eustachy might say, not the
author's actual opinions about them.