Commentary

2008: Weight control, dancin', biceps and ... ahem, Lindsay Lohan

Ever wonder about your favorite driver's resolutions for the New Year? Wonder no more. David Newton takes an upside-down look at 2008.

Originally Published: December 30, 2007
By David Newton | ESPN.com

CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- New Year's resolutions are a lot like NASCAR's rule book.

[+] EnlargeTony Stewart
AP Photo/Paul ConnorsTony Stewart give up milkshakes and hot dogs for sushi and sake? Fat chance.

Always changing.

Seldom taken seriously.

Just kidding. Many people take New Year's resolutions very seriously. At worst, according to what the experts agree is the most popular resolution, they are a great excuse to go on a diet.

Look what they did for Tony Stewart.

Again, kidding. Stewart's diet had nothing to do with a resolution so he didn't technically break one. Maybe this year, now that he's shown his physique has more to do with a love for milkshakes than trying to improve the handling of his car, he'll make it official with a toast.

Then when he gets ticked off at NASCAR for throwing fake debris cautions, he can refer to his mid-section as proof things can change.

Or not.

Ever wonder what your favorite driver's resolution might be? Since most are circling the globe, or at least the North Carolina foothills, we can't get that information for you right now.

But we can take a stab at what each driver might vow to do heading into 2008. Let's do it NASCAR style by taking the top 35 in owners' points from last season. The rest are on their own.

1. Jimmie Johnson -- Learn to dance like Helio Castroneves so he doesn't get overshadowed during next year's appearance on "Good Morning America.''

2. Jeff Gordon -- Hire Colin Farrell and Lindsay Lohan to teach drivers how to show their personality and wild side without being fined by NASCAR or showing private parts.

3. Clint Bowyer -- Close Jack Daniels lemonade stand at his Welcome, N.C., go-kart track during weekly neighborhood races with kids.

4. Matt Kenseth -- Hire a trainer, get to a gym and work on upper-body strength for the rematch with Carl Edwards.

5. Kyle Busch -- Develop profile for Match.com or just call Central Casting and request a NASCAR wife.

6. Tony Stewart -- Give up hot dogs and milkshakes for sushi and sake to keep new manufacturer happy.

7. Kurt Busch -- Be first driver to sign up for Jeff Gordon's class with Colin Farrell and Lindsay Lohan.

8. Jeff Burton -- Get owner Richard Childress to build a two-seater race car so brother Ward can join him in a race.

9. Carl Edwards -- Buy complete DVD collection of "The Andy Griffith Show" and "Leave It to Beaver."

10. Kevin Harvick -- Start wearing dresses to driver introductions so NASCAR officials can differentiate him his wife, DeLana.

[+] EnlargeDario Franchitti and Ashley Judd
AP Photo/Michael ConroyDoes Ashley Judd (Mrs. Dario Franchitti) have a friend in mind for Reed Sorenson?

11. Martin Truex Jr. -- Take team owner Teresa Earnhardt on an "off the record" bow hunting trip -- see Teresa's "off the record" media party during banquet week in New York City -- and tell her he'll sign a long-term extension for 50 percent of DEI.

12. Denny Hamlin -- Invite neighbor/team owner Joe Gibbs to his famous house parties to ease the stress from his day job as coach of the Washington Redskins.

13. Ryan Newman -- Give his points to new Penske Racing teammate Sam Hornish Jr. in return for his Indianapolis 500 trophy. Or at least make more races than Hornish.

14. Greg Biffle -- Take his three boxers -- Foster, Gracie and Savannah -- to visit Michael Vick once a month in prison.

15. Casey Mears -- Buy billboard on Papa Joe Hendrick Way so owner and Hendrick Motorsports teammates remember his name.

16. Dale Earnhardt Jr. -- Create rehab center for hyped-up Junior fans who drink as much AMP and Mountain Dew as they used to Budweiser. Invite stepmother Teresa (once she returns from hunting trip with Truex) over for a get-to-know-you dinner.

17. Mark Martin -- Get a hearing aid so he can hear all the boos of Dale Jr. fans when he is introduced as the driver of the No. 8 and then tell the media how much the support means to him.

18. Jamie McMurray -- Start charity foundation for drivers who win a Cup race once every five years.

19. Bobby Labonte -- Get hair extensions so he can have a ponytail so nobody will notice when teammate Kyle Petty takes over his ride to guarantee a spot in the field.

20. Kasey Kahne -- Provide case of Budweiser to track security officials after shoving them.

21. Juan Pablo Montoya -- Lobby NASCAR to race only on road courses.

22. J.J. Yeley -- Convince other drivers that DLP doesn't stand for "Don't Let Pass."

23. Reed Sorenson -- Have Dario Franchitti's wife, Ashley Judd, introduce him to some of her friends.

24. David Ragan -- Install GPS system in race car to help him find his way around the track.

25. Tony Raines -- Get a job as a taxi driver in New York City so he knows -- the only way he will -- how those who make the Chase feel when they drive around Times Square.

26. David Stremme -- Date Paris Hilton until an owner will give him a ride.

27. Elliott Sadler -- Start shooting for top-10 finishes instead of furry animals in the woods.

28. Robby Gordon -- Follow sponsor Jim Beam's slogan and "Drive Responsibly."

29. Paul Menard -- Change last name so Tony Stewart stops picking on him for being a daddy's boy.

30. Ricky Rudd -- Stay retired longer than Mark Martin.

31. Jeff Green -- Build brick wall in driveway at home so he has something to hit on Sundays.

32. David Gilliland -- Get bucket hat, red shirt to go with Gilligan nickname.

33. Johnny Sauter -- Become the recipient of Jamie McMurray Foundation's first donation.

34. Dave Blaney -- Thank Michael Waltrip and Dale Jarrett for making him the top Toyota driver in 2007.

35. Kyle Petty -- Spend more time hosting "Tradin' Paint" rather than actually trading paint.

David Newton covers NASCAR for ESPN.com. He can be reached at dnewtonespn@aol.com.

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ESPN Carolina Panthers reporter