Story tellers

Updated: April 21, 2008, 5:11 PM ET

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By Jay Cronley
Special to ESPN.com
Archive

After the Derby, we will read a story like one of these.

Story A
LOUISVILLE -- Big Brown won the 134th Kentucky Derby easy as you please today, tickling chalk players to no end.

As speed carried with the class of a bottle of Dom Perignon, '70, Big Brown broke from the middle of the race track, was clear by six down the backside, and had the women waving their beige hats for joy during what amounted to a victory parade on home.

The 20-horse field was no problem, as Brown bagged it by simply outrunning prospective trouble.

The winner paid $4.

Tale of Ekati closed for second.

The Exacta was a paltry $24.

The fake dirt horses didn't do so well. The California contingent appeared to be chugging through the La Brea Tar Pits. Gayego closed well for 11th. Several horses fresh from superb Poly efforts were seen sneezing, as though allergic to natural dirt.

Everybody and his Dogg, including Snoop, seemed to have the even-money winner, even the TV handicappers. Those using the winner and All in their Exactas only lost $14.

Talk turned immediately to the possibility of a Triple Crown champion, which would go a long way in easing the real estate crisis and stock market decline. Some thought the impressive victory could go a long way toward saving horse racing, from what, who knows, because business is pretty good.

To cover all bases, it was hoped Big Brown could be bred before the Preakness.

Story B
LOUISVILLE -- In a move so powerful that it showed up on Doppler radar, Pyro swirled home from 20 or 25 lengths off the pace to win the Derby he trailed by so much early, margins could only be estimated.

They almost had to shake Pyro out of the gate.

His prep was on the Play Dough and he appeared to expect more of the same funny stuff beneath his feet here, as he peered around before taking up the chase.

The race set up beautifully for the late-running Pyro, with six across the track behind Big Brown early on. Big Brown set fractions so ridiculously fast, many speculated that his next race could be in Ruidoso.

California horses were pouty and seemed to want no part of the cool temperatures.

Pryo's move down the stretch resembled a series of figure-eights as he passed tiring horses from the nutty early pace.

A lead handicapper had the winner and said, "Eleven more of these and I'm even."

Pryo was the fourth choice and paid $18.

Some dog picked up second.

Value handicappers completely missed the winner. Value is defined in handicapping as an obvious loser with a tempting price.

Story C
LOUISVILLE -- Take that, nature lovers and Green Team players: Artificial dirt specialists turned thoroughbred handicapping into something resembling a Keeno game as horses with Poly careers ran 1-2-3 in the Derby.

Colonel John won and paid $14 for the win and keyed a $1,000 Exata and a $5,000 Tri.

Horses can and do stop on a dime on Poly. At most Poly tracks you can mark an X where the speed will quit and closers will swoop past. One of the best bets in the pari-mutuel wagering history has been playing a Poly speed horse moving to the authentic dirt. Here, the winning Poly stalking style paid off. After riding where the rubber met the hoof, the natural dirt seemed like a breath of fresh air to the winner.

Big Brown got caught in a drag race and tired and finished fifth.

Pyro closed 30 lengths and won a photo for fourth.

After the races, veteran Derby observers seemed interested in something easier, like trying to win the World Series of Poker.

Story D
LOUISVILLE -- When the Derby gate opened, the inside nine broke out, the outside nine broke in.

Two of them in the middle got away all right.

The speed quit.

The deep closers couldn't pass them all.

A horse nobody could see coming sat fifth on the rail all the way around and got lucky and won.

The winner had the dosage index of a member of the 20 Mule Team Borax train.

The winner paid $48.40, that little, because the owner probably put $100,000 on him to win.

Writer's note: Which seems most appropriate at the moment? Probably the last one.

Write to Jay at jaycronley@yahoo.com.