What is your French Open IQ?
Dust clouds. Slip 'n' slide groundstrokes. Chair umpires speaking a language that is something different than English. Oh, and no g'days, Tony Award-winning actors or strawberries and cream.
Never mind the players: For the tennis fan, the French Open can be a disorienting affair. Are you prepared? Take our quiz and find out:
General Knowledge
1. The French Open is played on:
(a) Clay
(b) Red clay. And don't you mean Roland Garros?
(c) ESPN. Duh
2. Which of the following do you most associate with the words love and clay?
(a) Gustavo Kuerten drawing hearts in the dirt
(b) Steffi Graf double-bageling Natalia Zvereva
(c) Patrick Swayze in "Ghost"
3. Your preferred method of following tennis?
(a) Television, live scores via the Internet
(b) In person, preferably from some choice box seats
(c) BottomLine ticker during NFL draft combine reruns
4. John McEnroe is best when paired with:
(a) Ted Robinson or Mary Carillo
(b) To paraphrase Peter Fleming, anyone else
(c) No one, judging from McEnroe's CNBC show, "The Chair"
(a) Finally -- a way to beat Rafael Nadal playing serve-and-volley!
(b) Finally -- someone approximated the weight of Jimmy Connors' old T-2000s!
(c) Brian Scalabrine plays tennis?
Men's Tennis
6. Roger Federer is:
(a) Pretty great, but no longer a cybernetic tennis killing machine sent from the future to terminate Pete Sampras' records
(b) Better off when he runs around his backhand and avoids mononucleosis
(c) The guy who helps Tiger Woods shave
7. Which of the following played the biggest role in Federer's recent Madrid Open victory over rival Rafael Nadal?
(a) Service holds
(b) Novak Djokovic
(c) Madrid -- is that where they have models for ball girls?
8. How many consecutive matches did Nadal win on clay before losing to Federer?
(a) A lot
(b) Thirty-three, less than his previous 81-match clay court record
(c) In those shorts? No more than a half-dozen
9. An American man will win the French Open when:
(a) Federer and Nadal retire; clay replaced by DecoTurf
(b) Jaden Agassi hits his late teens
(c) Michael Phelps enters the draw
10. Novak Djokovic's best comic impression is of:
(a) Maria Sharapova, Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal
(b) A legitimately injured and/or ailing tennis player
(c) Hey, is there a reason he has to impersonate players who have won more than one major title?
Women's Tennis
(a) Looking a bit heavy and distracted
(b) Battling a sore knee and rusty strokes
(c) Somehow always on my television when I tune into Grand Slam finals
12. Who is the top-ranked player in women's tennis?
(a) Probably someone from Russia
(b) Dinara Safina
(c) What Serena said
13. Williams told reporters she entered the Madrid Open despite injury because she wanted to:
(a) Avoid a fine
(b) Avoid a $75,000 fine, enough to furnish a house she's currently remodeling
(c) Avoid Brett Ratner
14. When Safina recently told Tennis magazine, "There are some moments when you want to break all the rackets and send everything to hell," she sounded like:
(a) Her brother Marat
(b) Federer, in Miami
(c) Me, when the superfast serve doesn't work in Wii Tennis
15. Maria Sharapova is returning from:
(a) Injury
(b) A torn rotator cuff that could permanently weaken her serve, turning her into a slower Elena Dementieva
(c) Taking endless snapshots of her dog
16. Defending French Open champion Ana Ivanovic:
(a) Is not favored to repeat
(b) Belongs on a milk carton
(c) Plays doubles with Anna Kournikova in my recurring dream. Please let me sleep
Extra Credit
17. Now that Wimbledon has installed a Centre Court retractable roof, which of the following Grand Slam upgrades is most needed?
(a) Retractable roof at Philippe Chatrier
(b) Ski lifts to upper deck of Ashe Stadium
(c) Exploding balls!
18. According to the Sports Business Journal, the men's tour is developing a new television show hosted by former player Justin Gimelstob, who is best remembered for:
(a) Beats me
(b) I'm stumped
(c) Who?
19. A $15 million USTA youth development plan to "find the next Pete Sampras" seems like:
(a) A reasonable investment, given the scarcity of elite American talent
(b) A hit-or-miss affair, considering it does not include the annexation of Switzerland
(c) A waste, unless Simon Cowell is one of the judges
20. How much would you pay for a jar of terre battue, now on sale from the French Open's online store?
(a) Nothing, but I'd happily accept it as a gift
(b) Whatever it takes to put that baby next to my collection of Wimbledon towels
(c) Nothing, I need every cent I can spare to bid for Brett Favre's lawn trimmings on eBay
SCORING: For every "a" answer, award yourself two points; for every "b" answer, three points; for every "c" answer, one point. Tally score.
1-10: You're a tennis dilettante, just passing time until fantasy football preseason starts. Watch at your own peril; may Bud Collins have mercy on your ignorant soul. (Also note: Andre Agassi is retired, and has been for a while. Just so you know.)
11-21: Winner down the line! You follow the sport, perhaps closely, even if all those vowel-laden last names give you a headache. Enjoy the tournament.
21-30: You probably write a tennis blog. Old McEnroe footage makes you weep; your prize possession is a ball autographed by Fabrice Santoro, whom you once watched practice. You will find the French Open frustrating to watch, but only because you always argue with the television commentators.
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2.
